Valarie

“You can tell a lot about a person's character by how they do life's menial tasks. For example, I saw my neighbor washing dishes, and I could immediately tell that he was an adulterer by the way my wife's naked body glistened through his kitchen window.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

“Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

“If you work in a hospital, you can’t easily fake call in sick to work. Oh, you’re sick? Well why don’t you come in to work and we’ll have a look at it.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“I’m always the last in love by exactly one person.”
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.