Valarie

“If you work in a hospital, you can’t easily fake call in sick to work. Oh, you’re sick? Well why don’t you come in to work and we’ll have a look at it.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.”
― Steven Wright

“He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

“You can tell a lot about a person's character by how they do life's menial tasks. For example, I saw my neighbor washing dishes, and I could immediately tell that he was an adulterer by the way my wife's naked body glistened through his kitchen window.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.