Alana

“What started as a longing to be loved and seen for my physical beauty digressed into the warped belief that the illness itself was what drew the attention I so craved. I towed the line between longing for perfection and longing for pity. Using my body as a signaling flag, oscillating between peacocking in times where I felt beautiful, and waving distress calls in the depths of my sickness.

I never used my words, and I didn’t know how to. I used my body.”
― Rachel Havekost, Where the River Flows: A memoir of loss, love & life with an Eating Disorder

“It was torture to be starving and not being able to eat. All I could think about was my face and my chewing and how much food was on my fork when I brought it to my mouth. Eating in front of people was like stripping and standing there naked for everyone to judge. My mind was in a constant state of panic wondering if I looked like a pig when I was eating, or if I was chewing too loud. Or worse, what if I ate too much and everyone saw what my mom always saw: a fat sob that could do with losing a few meals? The thought always left me in cold chills.”
― Airicka Phoenix, The Voyeur Next Door

“I miss that feeling of connection.
Knowing he was out there somewhere thinking about me at the same time I was thinking about him.”
― Ranata Suzuki

“There is an ocean of silence between us… and I am drowning in it.”
― Ranata Suzuki