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“In the end, I will become the ghost I always feared. When the fire I kindled in my mind reaches my heart, I will start turning everyone I meet to ashes. So, I speak less and less, withdrawing more and more from the outside world. I navigate a realm that seems devoid of other human beings. I have become isolated in my mind, knowing that I will no longer encounter others, even in my thoughts. I love the solitude, so far below, so far away from life...”
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“Stuck in a blue, melancholic haze. I've known you for six years, intimately for four, and yet I still don’t know who I’m in love with. There’s nothing harder than saying goodbye to someone who broke your heart but whom you still undeniably love.”
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“My existence came to a halt one afternoon long ago, a day like any other, when I realized that nothing was true. Yet, my life continued when it should have ended, in a space that no longer exists, in a decade that slipped away so quickly, with a revelation that altered everything but changed nothing. I have no desire to converse; I have no words left. You want me to stay in touch, so I will wait for you at the end of every blind alley, under the solitary streetlamps of a city that will never be ours. After all, you will not come...those lives whose truths vanished into an eternal vault beyond our reach will never see the sun.”
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“We want to be seen and understood as we truly are, but I also long to remain veiled and unknown. Behind every aspect of our being lies the unspoken possibility of being different from how we present ourselves to others. This is true for me. Why does this distance exist between us? It’s a gap that can't be measured in kilometers or years; it is an emotional and spiritual divide that separates our hearts and minds. I have become someone who avoids personal interaction, and this makes me hesitant to see you again. I worry about the harsh things we might say to each other, which is why I am so cautious about contacting you as often as I should.”
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“There are tears that blind us and tears that open our eyes. I don't need these eyes; they're too blind to see. But just because I am blind and unable to perceive beauty doesn't mean it doesn't exist. We often don't realize how much of our joy and interest in life comes through our eyes until we have to live without them. Part of that joy is that our eyes can choose where to look, but our minds can't always choose what to think or remember. Over time, our consciousness becomes steeped in the salt of our tears, and we slowly grow sad and lose hope. Perhaps one day, far from now, I will believe again, and when that day comes, I will write to you and see if you respond.”
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John’s 2024 Year in Books
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