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“He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

“I want to be the first and second man to dance on the moon. No, I won’t moonwalk. But I will Cha Cha—with my clone.”
― Jarod Kintz, Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life

“I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.

“You just tell me when and where, and not only will I not be there, but I’ll also be late.”
― Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.