Mary

“Ms. Wormwood: Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did?
Calvin: No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty.
Ms. Wormwood: See me after class, Calvin.
Calvin: [retrospectively] I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.”
― Bill Watterson

“Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.”
― Bill Watterson

“I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient's friends.”
― Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes

“Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?”
― Bill Watterson