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“Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.”
Larry the Cable Guy

George Carlin
“It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.”
George Carlin

Steven Wright
“The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”
Steven Wright

Christopher Moore
“May the IRS find that you deduct your pet sheep as an entertainment expense.”
Christopher Moore, Practical Demonkeeping

Steven Wright
“If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?”
Steven Wright

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