Mooretc

“It's amazing--my parents call everything a discussion. If I were standing across the street, firing a bazooka at my mother, while my father was launching mortar back at me, and Jeffery was charging down the driveway with a grenade in his teeth, my parents would say we should stop having this public "discussion".”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, Drums, Girls & Dangerous Pie

“Steven, I look like a raccoon.
You do NOT look like a raccoon.
Actually, he looked like some deranged anteater, but I didn’t figure that would be the thing to tell him.
Yes, I do. Oh, no. What if I stay this way forever?
You’re not going to stay that way forever, Jeffy. People get black eyes all the time. If they never got better, the streets would be crowded with raccoon people. Soon the raccoon people would find each other and breed.
I was on a roll here.
The preschools would fill up with strange ring-eyed children. Soon the raccoons would be taking over our streets, stealing from our garbage cans, leaving eerie tails of Dinty Moore beef stew cams in their wakes. Gangs of them would haunt the malls, buying up all the black-and-gray-striped sportswear. THE RIVERS WOULD RISE! THE VALLEYS WOULD RUN WITH…
Steven you’re joking, right?”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, Drums, Girls & Dangerous Pie

“(Yes teenage boys who are fine always cry on their mothers’ shoulders until they leave a snot trail.)”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, Drums, Girls & Dangerous Pie

“Steven, I know I phrased that as a question, but it was really a command.
Yes, but mine is…ummm…private.
Private, Steven?
Yes, Miss Palma.
PRIVATE Steven?
Again with the capital letters?”
― Jordan Sonnenblick, Drums, Girls & Dangerous Pie