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David Sedaris
“Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.”
― David Sedaris

David Sedaris
“When a hurricane damaged my father's house, my brother rushed over with a gas grill, three coolers of beer, and an enormous Fuck-It Bucket - a plastic pail filled with jawbreakers and bite-size candy bars. ("When shit brings you down, just say 'fuck it,' and eat yourself some motherfucking candy.")”
― David Sedaris

David Sedaris
“If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.”
― David Sedaris, Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays

Eleanor Roosevelt
“A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong it is until it's in hot water.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt

David Sedaris
“All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I'm afraid that when all is said and done the police are right: it all comes down to fingerprints.”
― David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

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