Rachel

“I hate people who sneak into first class to use the bathroom. I’m sitting there, in 4F, sipping Cristal and admiring my new line of jewelry for QVC, and suddenly, busting through the curtain and rushing toward the bathroom is some doughy soccer mom holding her crotch and yelling, “Emergency, emergency!” No, it’s not!!! Opening the main hatch and pushing you out at thirty thousand feet for disturbing me is an emergency.”
― Joan Rivers, I Hate Everyone...Starting with Me

“It's obvious that women are smarter than men. Think about it - diamonds are a girl's best friend; man's best friend is a dog.”
― Joan Rivers

“I hate Hollywood fund-raisers. I am so bored going to a twenty-five million dollar house to hear a mogul say, “Good news, everyone. Tonight we’ve raised almost twelve thousand dollars!” You paid your gay hustler more than that, you cheap thing. Why not spare all of us the canapés, small talk and crème brûlée and just write a damn check?”
― Joan Rivers, I Hate Everyone...Starting with Me

“Oh, glorious, glorious caffeine and sugar. I can make it through anything as long as I have enough of those two”
― Kiersten White, The Chaos of Stars