Kath Carter

“He shut his eyes and grabbed the hair at the back of his head. The pain had not eased. It had just intensified.”
― Jacqueline Francis

“March 22, 2014

I have found the truth in the lies I told myself. I thought I could run from this woman, but she continues to chase me. In my mind, my heart, she’s always there. An entire bottle of whiskey can’t drown out her voice. I wake up each morning hoping it will finally be the day that I get over her. But then night falls and memories of her begin to torture me until sleep is no longer an option. Each night I fall into this abyss of nothingness, feeling only the emptiness of not having her beside me.

I have found the truth in the lies I told myself. I slept with another woman, all the while wishing it was her and I still went through with it.
What a fool I was. I still long to feel the satisfaction I was supposed to have felt that night. I still long to feel the freedom I’d hoped to gain from seeking refuge in the arms of another woman. But I’ll never be free of her. It will take an eternity to break out of these shackles.

For one month, ONE month I couldn’t keep my dick in my pants and yet for two years I haven’t even so much as looked at another woman. I’ve remained completely faithful to a memory. Devoted to her smile.

Committed to her ever-changing green eyes. I have read through the past entries in this journal and I noticed that I have never used her name. As if inking it would somehow solidify the feelings I think I’ve always felt.

I have found the truth in the lies I told myself. I do love her.
Love is this painful.”
― Jacqueline Francis

“I don’t love her!” he shouted. His voice echoed through his empty apartment. He stood and toppled his coffee table, its glass top shattering as it hit the floor. He kicked the sofa several times then went on a full rampage through his lavish apartment. Every ornament got a taste of his wrath. Curtains were ripped off the railings. Paintings were hit off the wall. Vases were flung across the room. Nothing was exempt from this riotous frenzy. Loud banging. Damaged furniture. Cracked glass. Everything that was whole and complete needed to be destroyed. Everything needed to feel the same way he did.
Broken… Shattered…
“I don’t love her.” He collapsed hopelessly into the mess he created, not caring about the jagged pieces of glass that pierced his skin. “I don’t love her.” He shut his eyes but the tears streamed down his cheeks regardless. “Love isn’t this painful.”
― Jacqueline Francis - The Journal

“I’ve noticed. What’s up with you these days?”
Adrian returned the sandwich to the box as he debated over what to tell her. One thing he had never done, was lie to Ricky and he was not going to start now. “I…uh…I have an infection,” he finally conceded – it was a half-truth, right? “It seems to be eating at my brain.”
― Jacqueline Francis