David Hilton

“I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want

“Last year I built a Courage Machine, but I thought it might be noisy and was too afraid to turn it on. So I coated it with glue, covered it with cat hair, mounted it on my wall, and started claiming it was an exotic animal I killed on a Safari in Africa. I'd like to believe people believe me, on account of it being so strange that it has to be true.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

“To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“I’m not courageous. In fact, when I shadow box I wear boxing gloves that are outfitted with flashlights.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale