Jacoblightning3

“Now,” said the announcer, “without further ado, let’s… oh no! Help! No! Stop! ARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!” “Well that’s the weirdest announcement I’ve ever heard,” said Carl. “Something’s wrong,” said Dave.”
― Dave Villager, Dave the Villager 28: An Unofficial Minecraft Book

“The four of them left their room and went down the corridor to see Derek Cool. Larry, Barry and Gary were already awake, dressed and reading comic books, but Derek was still fast asleep. “Yo, we tried to wake him, but we couldn’t,” said Larry. “Wake up, Derek,” said Dave, shaking Derek Cool’s shoulder. “I’m cool,” Derek muttered in his sleep. “I’m cool, I’m cool…” “Let me try,” said Carl. He slithered up onto the bed, then began slapping Derek Cool across the face with his little creeper legs. “Wake up, you idiot!” Carl bellowed. “Wake up, wake up, wake up!!!” “What’s going on?!” said Derek. “Who’s slapping me?” “I think he’s awake now, Carl,” said Dave. “You can stop slapping him now.” “I have to be sure,” said Carl, giving Derek some more slaps. “Waaa!” yelled Derek. “Get off, get off!” “I think he’s starting to stir,” said Carl. “I’ll give him a few more slaps, just to make one-hundred percent sure.”
― Dave Villager, Dave the Villager 28: An Unofficial Minecraft Book

“Hi! Has this ever happened to you? You’ve just finished the latest Dave the Villager book, and all you want to do is talk about it. Will Dave recover from the latest cliffhanger? Will Robo-Steve ever come back for good? Will we really have to wait until Book 50 to see the enderdragon??? So you go and see your friends at school, but all they want to talk about is Surfer Villager. “The Surfer Villager books are great,” they tell you. “You should check them out!” “Don’t talk to me about Surfer Villager!” you yell at them. “The Dave the Villager books are the only books I’ve ever read, and they’re the only books I ever will read! Dave Villager is the greatest author of all time!” “Wait,” they say, “isn’t Dave Villager the character, not the author?” “No, you morons,” you scream, “Dave Villager is the author, and Dave the Villager is the character!” “That’s very confusing,” they reply. “No it’s not!” you bellow, spraying them with spittle. “Is the author’s surname really Villager?” they ask. “Come to think of it, is his first name really Dave?” “Is Dr Block really a doctor?!” you roar. “I DON’T THINK SO!!!” “He might be,” they say. “SHUT UP!!!” you exclaim. And then you run home crying. When you get home, your Aunt Mavis gives you a big hug. “What’s the matter, dear?” Aunt Mavis asks. “Those idiots at school don’t know anything about Dave the Villager,” you sob, wiping the tears from your eyes. “All I want to do is find someone I can discuss my favorite books with. I want to discuss the mythology of the Old People, and whether it’s remained consistent throughout all 28 books! I want to debate whether or not Dave could have prevented the destruction of the mirror universe in Book 20! I want someone to read my Boggo fanfiction!” “Oh, I don’t know about any of that,” says Aunt Mavis. “I haven’t read any unofficial Minecraft fiction in years. I used to read Diary of an Angry Alex, but when the books stopped I was devastated. I vowed never to read any Minecraft books ever again. And that’s a promise I will keep until the day I die. Now I only read Roblox novels.”
― Dave Villager, Dave the Villager 28: An Unofficial Minecraft Book

“I think Cluckles 2.0 is telling us that he’s able to kick some serious butt,” said Carl.  “Affirmative,” said Cluckles 2.0. “Although my kicking attack is not just limited to butts.”
― Dave Villager, Dave the Villager 28: An Unofficial Minecraft Book