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"But I feared more the death of others. I did not want to lose them and I worried about them while they were alive. Sometimes I think that I concerned myself so much with the possibility of their loss that I never truly took pleasure in the fact of their existence. It was part of my nature. Even with Raphael. He was the blood in my veins. The sweat on my brow. Without him I am less than I once was." WTF