Mars > Recent Status Updates

"You're an idiot," I hear myself saying. Stop. "And you're the worst kind of idiot because you have no idea that you're an idiot."

-

HAHAHAHA SHE’S FED UP

Oh.. this js where the heavy parts start…

My mother had a baby, and her mother had a baby, and her mother had a baby. Every woman in my family before me lived to have a baby—just so that baby could grow up to have another baby. If I don't have a baby, then all of those women reproduced just so that I could exist. I am the final product. I am the final baby.

I felt incredibly sad and aware of how strange it was to feel so sad in such a bright, pleasant setting.

I felt like I was never in the moment I was in. I was always looking back, or worried about the future.

He laughs and repeats, "I wish I were dead. I wish I were dead."
I shove him in the corner. He keeps repeating, "I wish I were dead”.
I punch him. “Stop saying that!”

-

I SAY DASURVVV MABUNTOL

"You know, you haven't replied to any of my texts since Christmas”, I confront him.
He rolls his eyes, now tripping to take off his other shoe.
"I thought you were dead," I tell him.
He snorts. "I wish I were dead."
I feel intense anger boil in my
stomach.

-

Nako. No no talaga.

Everyone in this room has managed to grow old despite how easy it is to die.

[…]

Terrible things have probably happened to every single person in this room, and yet here they are.

Here I am.

"I already watched this movie last week." She nods at the TV in front of us. "I thought you'd like it, so I wanted to watch it again with you"
"Oh," I exhale.
"I'm sorry I lied and said I hadn't seen it," she says, throwing a blanket over us.
"That's okay," I reply.

-
Nawa’y lahat 🙂‍↕️

I am enraptured by how entertained Eleanor is by this movie. She thinks I'm laughing at the movie, but I'm not-I'm laughing because I am endeared by her. I'm looking at her exposed gummy smile and listening to her quack with laughter. I find it so endearing, it becomes dif ficult for me to inhale. My vision is blurred in tears, and I am incapable of speech.

You just need to act like the person you want to become, and then you'll become it. It's as simple as that."
"What if you act like someone you don't want to be?" I ask.

Maybe if I scream as loudly as I can, I will be given the personal space I need to breathe in air that others haven't already exhaled.

Hi, I text Eleanor.
It doesn't send.
Hi, I text again.
Failed to send.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
The message turns blue. A little note beneath it says: Read 1:23 A.M.
A bubble tells me she's typing.
You ignored me all day, she writes.

-

Bad yun. Wag ganun teh. Haha.

"I think our appearance is mean-ingless," I sputter. "We're all just skeletons covered in skin."

-

True naman. Hahaha

I wonder how long it takes the cells in our bodies to replace themselves. I wonder if I'm literally no longer the same person I was when Ingrid and I were friends.

-

What a science-yyyy way to say “drifted apart” kind of friend :>

If I woke up tomorrow and was told my entire life was a simulation, I'd believe it.
"Do you think the rest of our lives will go by this quickly?" she asks.

Should I be comforting him?
What if I slip up? What if I say something like, Don't worry, Jeff, life is meaningless; it's strange and inexplicable that we exist to begin with. We are all basically dead already in the grand scheme of things, and our feelings of sadness are pointless—they are just how our meat sacks react to the chemicals in our bodies.

-

Woah. Dark.

"It's important to remember every day that passes brings us closer to the day that we die."

"One day, you are going to die," Jeff's booming voice echoes through the church. "Everyone in this room will someday be dead."

-

Akala ko patapos na. Nabanggit na yung title eh hahaha

I read once that fake smiling can trick your brain into believing you're happy, which can then spur actual feelings of happiness.

I want you to know that I wish I did. I hope you're able to feel even an infinitesimal bit of happiness today despite all of this.

IDK what to say. Is being a little sad part of growing?

"Okay." I nod. Maybe that's true.
"How do I occupy myself?"
"I find I feel less anxious when I spend my time trying to make the people around me happier," he shares. "Maybe you should try that."

"I'm probably the person people regret dating," I said.

-

Wow. This does feel like the thought process of someone I know. 😅

That doesn't actually make this any less sad, it just means that there is so much potent sadness on earth that this becomes trivial. Everything becomes trivial. Nothing matters.

-

At some point, it feels like I’m inside the head of someone I’m fond of. 🥺

Of course I'm a fraud. The fact that I'm able to carry myself through life without being crushed beneath the psychological weight of being alive proves that I'm a con artist. Aren't we all con artists?

-

Woah woah. This is becoming more real than I expect hahahaha

I don't really owe anyone anything. I am an animal, brought into existence without my consent, left scrounging to get by. I have my own problems. I have a full plate: I have to pay my bills; I have to pass as a Catholic; I have to clean my lint trap; I have to focus on breathing.

-

Sarili laban sa sarili talaga…

Am I going to have to break it to sweet, decrepit old Rosemary that her friend Grace is dead?
I glance at the email again.
I haven't heard from you in ages!
That is because she is dead.
How are you?
Dead.

-

Humorous tho. 😅

I wish that I hadn't lost my job at the bookstore. I knew that if I did not go to work I would be fired, but I still didn't go. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been exhausted. I don't have the motivation to wake up in the morning, let alone the drive to go to a bookstore and interact with people.

🥺

Sometimes I wonder if I have really been the same person my whole life. I stare at the picture, and think: Is that really me? I have this bizarre feeling like I was a different person at every other stage of my life. I feel so removed from myself then. Sometimes I feel like I was a different person a month ago. A day. Five minutes. Now.

-

I think, true.