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This is beetlejuice dark academia with the dry British wit that I love about Emily Wilde. It’s whimsical in a way I didn’t expect from a book about Hell. So far it’s giving absolutely everything to me

It is so hard to put this book down

I love the rock climbing imagery. I love the fact that Alice has this nihilistic self destructive love for rock climbing, that she feels safety and euphoria in the feeling of falling. The comfort of death instead of the fear of it. It basically describes her journey towards a successful academic career. If she makes it, great. If she doesn’t make it through hell, she’ll be embraced by the sweet release of death

Have Alice and Peter hooked up before?

The writing style and Alice’s voice is reminding me so much of Emily Wilde. Which of course means I love it. And also I’m realizing as I’m writing this that she might be called Alice as a reference to Alice in Wonderland. After all, going through a portal to hell is not very unlike Alice going to Wonderland.

This also goes into the theme of choosing death over your losing destiny. But in this case it’s choosing death over losing your privilege

This is a fascinating moral conundrum: the idea that someone might be against reincarnation if they came from a privileged life because they don’t want to roll the dice on not being born privileged. That’s insane

Honestly it’s nice that the book just starts immediately. Another author might have fumbled this idea of skipping right to the point of the book in basically the first page without much establishment, but Kuang does it so well that I feel like I know everything I need to know about Alice. I know her well enough to begin this journey with her.

That’s just my guess but I could be wrong about that. I suppose the conclusion could end up being that it’s admirable to go to the ends of the earth for the thing that you love. I do think that’s going to be part of it. But I can’t imagine I’m going to come away from this book thinking that the decision to give up your life for a shot at an academic position is a particularly great thing

If the cost of going to hell is half your remaining lifespan, I’m already getting the sense that this book is going to explore the way that being a hardcore academic for your whole life kills you, how it distorts your priorities, makes certain things seem more important than they really are. How being the best can feel like it’s worth any price. We shall see.

“Certain body parts were rotting in a basement,” HUH?

Am I really ready to dive into another Kuang?? Fuck it we ball

It’s cruel and frustrating that this is exactly what would have happened with Susannah. She would have lived in a new place, with a job and new friends, queer and accepting friends, and she would have blossomed in a new life without hearing from her family or her old friends. This is what was going to happen anyway. She was clinging to something that didn’t even exist.

The cruelest joke of all is that she is trying to keep things she never had. She never had a mother’s love, if it’s conditional. She’s never felt truly connected with the girls as friends. It’s just proximity. But suddenly, she’s so afraid of losing these things. She’s deluding herself because it’s not about them. It’s about feeling alone. What she doesn’t realize is that there is life behind beyond

“I put my mouth to her. She has soured. There are layers of dirt on my Susannah, and I love her. I will love her till her bones brown. I am taken over with relief when I see her chest rise and feel her shaking. There is something in her still. The breath she lets out is weighted, louder than the rushing of the water in the ocean, it brings new dimensions to me. She is not numb. I could bring her back to life”

I think this is a reveal?? I don’t think we knew that Susanna was part of kiss chase. But I did theorize it in the beginning. I love that.

I think the most compelling thing about this book to me is how Lucy describes the mother daughter relationships through being fed. What her mom feeds her changes depending on how she’s feeling about her. It’s. Brilliant way to show the projection of self worth from mother to daughter, how the girls are literally being fed their mother’s insecurities.

The sentiments about falling into the unknown are too relatable for the time I’m at in my life. “I will have no plans at all. Nothing will be coming, nothing will be going. I will just exist until I don’t.” It show I feel right now.

The self destruction of it all is sickening and relatable to read. And though it’s not a 1:1 for me, the mother daughter dynamic rings true in a lot of ways

Reading lit fic is scary because at any point you can pick one up and the out of nowhere it becomes a horror novel when you realize you relate too hard to the self hating self destructive main character