Niki > Recent Status Updates

‘I will die like all mortal things. At least let me taste a little life before I go.’

‘None of us deserve our bad fortune, but that doesn’t stop it from coming.’

‘I was so unbearably lonely, a light-starved plant pressing its leaves against a windowpane, keening for the sun.’

‘Her charm was difficult to deny, like the warmth of the sun that turns your face to it even as you know you will be burned.’

‘To want is to surrender to uncertainty. To step into the unknown. To expose ourselves to all possible outcomes and trust we will not be destroyed by disappointment.’

‘A friendless child in a friendless world makes life a job of survival.’

‘What is a monster but a creature of agency?’

‘It was easier to avoid the pain when there was nowhere for it to go.’

“It is terrible to be alive. But it is worse to be dead to ourselves.”

‘One way to ensure my future was to populate it not with people who cared for me but with people for whom it would be deeply inconvenient if I were to be absent.’

‘To be exposed as vulnerable, as not knowing, was the greatest danger possible; death, at least, offered certainty; to be vulnerable meant being at the mercy of others, one’s whole selfhood at risk.’

‘I follow her like a dog after its master and I hate myself for it.’

‘I cannot give what [is wanted]. All I can offer is this fiction, a place to hide.’

‘Disappointment tells us what we truly wanted. And to want is to be alive.’

‘I cannot let myself sink. These waters are too deep, and I do not know if there is a bottom to them.’

‘Night feels like a freedom; the world recedes, and the darkness welcomes me just as I am.’

‘In this place I know who I am, and all my suffering is mastered.’

‘It is naive to think one is owed anything from life. We endure it; we survive it. That is enough.’

She ‘holds an allure, like ghosting a finger around the edge of a flame: the temptation, the beauty, and the anticipation of pain.’

‘There is only safety and certainty in death.’

‘Her sudden rejection feels as though a cloud has covered the sun. Something in me wants her light back.’

‘My status is the driftwood I cling to so I may stay afloat above a deep, yawning ocean.’

‘Better to know what I am faced with than fear its specter.’

‘To be a woman is a horror I can little comprehend’

“Maybe touching someone is the kindest thing you can do; making a person feel like it’s okay to touch them, that they’re touchable and not disgusting.”