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„Ja nigdy nie byłam spokojna ani jego ojciec, taki, jakiego znałam. Różnica polegała na tym, że mój syn się nie bał, że zostanie spalony.”

„On był jednym jadowitym wężem, a ja drugim i na takich warunkach dostarczaliśmy sobie nawzajem rozkoszy.”

„See, for people who are traumatized, all they know is rupture,” Dr. Ham explained. “They always have to come to the abuser with an apology. But it’s never about them having their own”

„Trauma isn’t just the sadness that comes from being beaten, or neglected, or insulted. That’s just one layer of it. Trauma also is mourning the childhood you could have had.”

„I exited the sessions with a voice in my head saying, That was stupid. You’re wasting your time, or maybe you’re just too dumb to get this. I knew that voice was my mother. But I still couldn’t get her to shut up.”

„You’re right,” he said in astonishment. “Of course you’re right about it all. How did you become the parent and I became the child?”
How did he not understand that this had always been the arrangement?”

„Over and over, I create excuses: Maybe EMDR is bunk, maybe the teachers are right, maybe some level of privilege erases abuse. But this narrative gives me a false sense of control. If it’s all my fault, then I can change it. I can fix it.”

„The abused child… […] She will go to any lengths to construct an explanation for her fate that absolves her parents of all blame and responsibility…. The abuse is either walled off from conscious awareness and memory…or minimized, rationalized, and excused, so that whatever did happen was not really abuse.”

„No matter what I do, no matter where I try to find joy, I instead find my trauma. And it whispers to me: “You will always be this way. It’s never going to change. I will follow you. I will make you miserable forever. And then I will kill you.”

„I believe that they hated themselves too much to love me; their sadness made them too selfish to see me at all. The reason I hadn’t been loved had nothing at all to do with me or my behavior. It had everything to do with them.”

„Just because the wound doesn’t hurt doesn’t mean it’s healed. If it looks good and it feels good, it should be all good, right? But over the years I’d smoothed perfect white layers of spackle over gaping structural holes.”

“The abuse was not your fault.” […] “Yeah, sure. I know that.”
“Do you?” [..] They forced me to repeat it, made me sit on their couches and awkwardly recite “The abuse I suffered was not my fault”.
“And how do you feel now?” […] „I guess good?” I said. “Yeah, it’s true. It wasn’t my fault.” But I was a void when I said that. A voice and a body reading facts from a leaflet.”

„Their grief is not your fault.”

I’m fucking sobbing

„What these papers seemed to tell me is that however smart I am, I’m not as smart as I could have been had this not happened to me. ”

STOP CALLING ME OUT IM ALREADY CRYING

„In order to heal, would I really have to throw away everything that made me who I was?”

„Americans are individualist. Chinese people are oriented toward the good of the collective. The French are romantic and love cheese. And people with C-PTSD are drama queen self-saboteurs who are impossible to love.”

EXCUSE ME????? IM GONNA CRY?????

„What privilege, to just let life fall to the wayside, to stop working and pretending and just fall apart. To let my grief-swollen brain split at the seams and spend my days crying and sitting in therapy and drinking lemonade in meditative silence on a manicured lawn. And what impossibility.”

„I asked them for support, asked if I could come over even though I just saw them yesterday. Then I freaked out that I was turning into a needy leech and pushed them away. I disappeared for days, and when I returned, I was resentful of them for abandoning me.”

„It seemed as if other people might be immune to moments like these; they somersaulted through their failures and ended up on their feet. But when I made a mistake, the dread crept into my field of vision and I couldn’t see anything except my mistake for an hour, maybe even a day.”

„Finally, the tears came. It didn’t matter if my parents were proud of me. I was proud of me, and that was the most important thing. Because I had done this. I’d gotten myself here with my own hard work.”

„I heard other kids saying, “Hell, yeah! We made it, we survived!” For me, that feeling was literal. I shouldn’t even be here, I mused, dazed, as I watched my classmates smile on the Jumbotron overhead. I should be dead.”

„Hatred, I learned quickly, was the antidote to sadness. It was the only safe feeling. Hatred does not make you cry at school. It isn’t vulnerable. Hatred is efficient. It does not grovel. It is pure power.”

„In middle school, I stopped sleeping”

Mood

„If I took up all that space with my feelings, what space could I maintain for hers? Hers were more important. Because hers had greater stakes.”

„If I took up all that space with my feelings, what space could I maintain for hers? Hers were more important. Because hers had greater stakes.”