Kiley > Recent Status Updates

“Women are skilled at giving their hearts. The problem is that we give away our power with our hearts if we believe that the source of love and safety lies in a relationship with a partner, rather than in a relationship with ourselves” (p. 285).

“When we give ourselves the attention we long to receive from others, we become remarkably self-sufficient” (p. 288).

“[W]e start to subordinate what we really want in order to make others happy. This is partly why so many women say yes when they want to say no; they’re afraid no one will love them unless they do” (p. 252).

Self-care: “This is a form of fierce self-compassion aimed at providing for ourselves through activities like taking walks, doing yoga, and eating well” (p. 262).

Judo “the gentle way”: “For example, while giving an employee or team member instructions—taking charge the way a leader should—if you smile or ask about the person’s well-being, it can soften the negative perception that you’re being demanding” (p. 236).

“The first question to ask yourself is what do I need to care for myself right now?” (p. 243).

(p. 197) Motivating Self-Compassion Break:
1. ‘This is my vision of what I want for myself.’
2. ‘ growing pains are part of being human’
3. Supportive gesture (hand on shoulder or fist pump)
4. ‘I have your back. I will support you.’

“Another reason we pummel ourselves is because it gives us the illusion of control” (p. 199).

“Instead of leaving that question for later, neglecting something we know to be important but don’t have the time to answer, we orient our lives to be satisfied while living it, right now, in the present moment” (p 173).

“Self-indulgence involves choosing short-term pleasure at the expense of long-term harm, and self-compassion always has its eye on the prize: alleviating suffering” (p 189).

“Self-criticism is no longer keeping us safe, it’s harming us by undermining our ability to give ourselves the support we need” (p 158).

“Nonconformity to dominant patterns of gendered heterosexual behavior doesn’t cause harm—just the opposite. It’s a brave expression of love and authenticity” (p 167).

“[O]xytocin, the hormone normally associated with tender maternal bonding, also promotes defensive aggression when a mother is protecting her young. Psychologists call this the ‘tend and defend’ response” (p 143).

“Mindfulness aimed at protection doesn’t provide peace of mind; just the opposite. Mindfulness shines a light on harm being done and exposes what needs to change” (p 147).

Doormat vs door

“When we remember that mistakes are an integral part of the human experience, we take our failings less personally” (p 118)

“We know from psychological research that the more we resist pain, the more we aggravate it” (p 119)

“The meditation teacher Shinzen Young puts this into a mathematical formula: ‘Suffering = Pain × Resistance’”(p 119)

“Typically, emotions have a limited lifespan” (p 120)

Ch 4 was the best yet. The example of how the past experiences/personal history of each person plays into their sensitivities and the stories they tell themselves when triggered, leading to repetitive relationship dynamics (fighting over the same type of thing) was so clear. Also how she highlights that it’s subconscious, just knowing doesn’t mean we can choose something else bc these responses are complicated.