dez > Recent Status Updates

“Sometimes I wonder if I have really been the same person my whole life. I stare at the picture, and think: Is that really me? I have this bizarre feeling like I was a different person at every other stage of my life. I feel so removed from myself then. Sometimes I feel like I was a different person a month ago. A day. Five minutes. Now.”

“He wants to say, you will be so many people in your lifetime that you’ll look back one day and not even recognize some of the people you have been.”


woah

“When Heron thinks about dying, he cannot get the grammar right. There is no tense in which to say I will miss being alive”

“She looks at her reflection in the train window and she dreams. She likes the commute, and she hates it, the glamour and the boredom of it. Sometimes she plays music through her wireless headphones and imagines people are looking at her, wondering who she is. […] knows these journeys are essential in a way she could never fully explain. Each journey out a little leaving, each one home a safe return.”

real

“There ought to be more to life than washing machines and emails and remembering to put out the recycling on the right day. But life is also this. It is all of this.”

“Let that hunger—for a family, for a child, for others to make a place in their lives for her—quiet itself a spell in anticipation of a coming satiation. Sometimes the wonder over the object of a crush is indistinguishable from the simple relief that you are still able to leap into one at all.”

“The notion of queer temporality was comforting. Of course, she told herself, the flow of time and the epochs that add up to a queer life won’t correspond to the timeline or even sequence of straight lives, so it is meaningless to compare her own queer lifeline to a heterosexual’s lifeline as though they were horses on the same racetrack, released from the gates at the same moment.“

“rting. Of course, she told herself, the flow of time and the epochs that add up to a queer life won’t correspond to the timeline or even sequence of straight lives, so it is meaningless to compare her own queer lifeline to a heterosexual’s lifeline as though they were horses on the same racetrack, released from the gates at the same moment. And that was just for your run-of-the-mill queer”

“And without legible traumas to point to, what would pain make her? At best, a trans version of those Didion-worshipping bourgeois white girls who subscribed to a Grand Unified Theory of Female Pain, those minor-wound-dwelling brooders with no particular difficulties but for an inchoate sense of their own wronged-ness, a wronged-ness that fell apart when put into words”

“And then you developed new coping mechanisms, new language, new walls to keep yourself safe. The problem with the poppers was that they made Amy too dumb to keep all that cognitive machinery going. It all ground to a halt, and instead of the new lies, she fell into direct contact with a raw fact: She was a girl in love with a girl. It was overwhelming. It was all she had ever hoped for.”

“Wasn’t that the big lesson of transition, of detransition? That you’ll never know all the angles, that delay is a form of hiding from reality. That you just figure out what you want and do it? And maybe, if you don’t know what you want, you just do something anyway, and everything will change, and then maybe that will reveal what you really want.”

“there was never a question in my mind who I’d be asking. Callidus is one of the smartest students in the Academy, while Eidhin is one of the most physically gifted—and neither is a slouch in the other’s area. I cannot imagine a better combination.
But more importantly, I know them. I trust them. The idea of choosing anyone else is almost unfathomable.”

i love how loyalty is vis’ shining trait.

“I hate the idea that my home is now a holiday destination for senators, I hate that they think of it as ever having been anything less than civilised, and I hate that they’re so nonchalant about what was done to me and my family.”

“Caten is a plague that has infected everything I love.”


fuck imperialism!!! my heart breaks for the suus nation and for diago :((

vis STRONGLY reminds me of neil josten…. sharp tongue, witty af, attitude problems, has a temper but tries so hard to suppress it, lies a lot, and moves fast…. like are we sure this is not neil josten in a different universe?