Alexus Subia > Recent Status Updates

You must go on. I can’t go on. You must go on. Because what other choice is there, really? You have to make friends with the dark

I have no idea how I am going to live with such a giant piece of sadness in my body all the time, knowing it will never get any smaller

The world is full of tears, and I’m starting to drown

I wish I could ask somebody to hold me, or hug me, or tell me everything was going to be okay, and that I could trust them

Listen with your heart. That’s all that matters

Earth to earth, ashes to ashes

I want to hurt everyone right now. I want to break things so the world looks like how I feel inside: splintered into a million bloody and sharp pieces

I can’t feel my body, I can’t feel my heart, I’m rising out of myself, watching as I separate into the girl before and the girl after

To be part of nature was to be part of the will to live

I don’t know if I am truly happy in any life

If you aim to be something you are not, you will always fail. Aim to be you

But there was something quite freeing about that. To be existing without any expectation, even her own

Sometimes the only way to learn is to live

To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.

So why am I not dead? Why has death not come to me? I gave it an open invitation. I’d wanted to die. But her I am, still existing. I am still aware of things

Happy moments can turn into pain, given time

In the darkness two shadows, reaching through the hopeless, heavy dusk. Their hands meet, and light spills in a flood like a hundred golden urns pouring out the sun.

I did not plan to live after he was gone

Had she really thought I would not know him? I could recognize him by touch alone, by smell, I would know him blind, by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth. I would know him in death, at the end of the world

I thought of how many nights I had lain awake in this room loving him in silence

For who can be ashamed to lose against such beauty?

In those months I though often of what I was trying to do, of how hard it is to keep alive someone who doesn’t want to stay alive