Tuva > Recent Status Updates

’Det är en grundregel inom sjukvården,’ fortsätter Sara i det att hon vänder sig om mot Rasmus igen och hennes tonläge ändras och blir mjukt och ömsint, ’för du gör ju säkert vad vi säger, Rasmus, eller hur? Vi är här nu allesammans. Mamma och pappa och Benjamin. Vi är här hos dig nu. Du behöver inte vara orolig för någonting. Ingenting. Ingenting.’

’Hjälp mig!’ hade han bönat på sina bara knän där på hennes hyresrum. ’Hjälp mig, jag drunknar!’ hade han ropat.

Han säger: ”Jag kan inte…’
Han säger: ’Får inte luft.’

I’m going to get my money, Kaz vowed. And I’m going to get my girl.

For all his selfishness and cruelty, Kaz was still the boy who had saved her. She wanted to believe he was worth saving, too.
The sails creaked. The clouds parted for the moon then gathered back around her.
Inej left Kaz with the wind howling and dawn still a long while away.

He released her hand, his shoulders bunching, his gaze angry and ashamed as he turned his face to the sea.
Maybe it was because his back was to her that she could finally speak the words. ’I will have you without armour, Kaz Brekker. Or I will not have you at all.
Speak, she begged silently. Give me a reason to stay.

He took a breath. ’I want you to stay. I want you to… I want you.’
’You want me.’ She turned the words over. Gently, she squeezed his hand. ’And how will you have me?’
He looked at her then, eyes fierce, mouth det. It was the face he wore when he was fighting.
’How will you have me?’ she repeated. ’Fully clothes, gloves on, your head turned away so our lips can never touch?’

Inej turned to go. Kaz seized her hand, keeping it on the railing. He didn’t look at her. ’Stay,’ he said, his voice rough stone. ’Stay in Ketterdam. Stay with me.’
She looked down at his gloved hand clutching hers. Everything in her wanted to say yes, but she would not settle for so little, not after all she’d been through. ’What would be the point?’

’They fear you as I once feared you,’ he said. ’As you once feared me. We are all someone’s monster, Nina.’

When Nina looked at Kaz, she couldn’t quite believe her eyes. ’Saints, Kaz, you actually look happy.’
’Don’t be ridiculous,’ he snapped. But there was no mistaking it. Kaz Brekker was grinning like an idiot.

’He’s a friend?’ asked Kuwei in skeptical Shu.
’On occasion.’

Nina nodded slowly. ’Ice Court, remember? Impossible heist? Near death? Three million kruge waiting for you in Ketterdam?’
Kaz blinked and his eyes cleared. ’Four million.’
’Thought that might bring you around.’

The ducked beneath the gun turret. Wylan had scratches from the glass all over his cheeks and neck. He was beaming. Inej grabbed his hands and squeezed. They’d come to the Ice Court scurrying like rats. Live or die, they were going out like an army.

He needed to tell her… what? That she was lovely and brave and better than anything he deserved. That he was twisted, crooked, wrong, but not so broken that he couldn’t pull himself together into some semblance of a man for her. That without meaning to, he’d begun to lean on her, to look for her, to need her near. He needed to thank her for his new har.

She’d laughed, and if he could have bottled the sound and got drunk on it every night, he would have. It terrified him.

’The life you live, the hate you feel — it’s poison. I can drink it no longer.’

’Is it safe to leave them, you know—’
’Alive? I’m not big on killing unconscious men.’
’We could wake them up.’

’Were you always good at locks?’
’No.’
’How did you learn?’
’The way you learn about anything. Take it apart.’
’And the magic tricks?’
Kaz snorted. ’So you don’t think I’m a demon anymore?’
’I know you’re a demon, but your tricks are human.’

’I feel sorry for you, Brekker. There is nothing sacred in your life.’
There was a long pause, and then Kaz said, ’You’re wrong.’

Kaz had said he didn’t want her prayers and she wouldn’t speak them, but she wished him safe nonetheless. She had her aim now, her heart had direction, and though it hurt to know that path led away from him, she could endure it.

His eyes were nearly black, pupils dilated. She could see it took every last bit of his terrible will for him to remain still beneath her touch. And yet, he did not pull away. She knew it was the best he could offer. It was not enough.