Daniel Jacobs > Recent Status Updates

"Well, if that isn’t an opening, he doesn’t know what is. He takes it without hesitation. “So, what’s your story, Arden? Where do you come from? Have you always known you were illusié?” “Whoa,” Arden says as she puts both hands up. “Slow down there, tiger.”"

it's two questions, Arden

"He must have dozed off because the next thing he knows, a twig snaps and there’s someone standing right in front of him."

holy mother of cliches

"At this, Xerin’s head pops up from his work. “They’re beautiful, majestic creatures that are renowned for their speed. While in flight, they can reach over 320 kilometers per hour.” He lowers his gaze again and takes a small rag to wipe the excess metal shards from the blade."

Good to know they use metric.

"SHE’D SEEN IT with her own two eyes. Aldreda Tymond. Plunging a dagger into her beloved husband’s chest. Her heart wrenches at the thought as she rolls over onto her side."

Fucking shame we didn't cus that's not what that scene with her described. We just saw her exiting a tent and then the queen going "le gaspe tis the killer!"
If this is a red herring it's too obvious.

"Aldreda shakes her head. “I won’t be staying long. I just wanted to tell you that I’m not well and will be in our chambers for most of the day.”

Surely you have servants for that.

"“As I mentioned, before I came here, I visited Elvira. She’s fine,” he adds quickly, “but she may not be for much longer. It seems Tymond wants to make an example out of her.” “An example?” Rydan’s hands curl into fists. Tymond better not be planning to execute her, or do anything at all to harm her. “So what is he planning to do?”

Rydan you're the king's assassin what the fuck do you think

“Let me help you,” Xerin says. “You know my sister.” (...) The fires of Eroesa separated her family. She and her mother ended up in Trendalath, but her brother and her father . . . The words come out as a croak. “You’re her brother.”

You hired an editor, Kristen... You said so on your channel. Why you lyin? Why you always lyin? Oh my God. Stop fuckin lyin.

"Normally, Rydan is babbling about something, droning on and on, just happy that he’s being heard. He’s never considered himself an extrovert, or even someone who enjoys social settings in the slightest, but after being locked up, for lords knows how long, with no one to talk to, he craves it." THAT IS NOT HOW INTROVERSION AND EXTROVERSION WORK

During the FIRST PERSON NARRATION she put thoughts in ITALICS

WHY?! THIS IS FIRST PERSON. EVERYTHING IS THOUGHTS!

"“We do not attack our own,” Xerin says with extreme superiority.
“Our own . . .?” My words trail off as I realize what he’s talking about.
Holy lords. The son of King Darius Tymond is one of us.
Illusié."

The poison. The poison for Kuzco. The posion chosen specifically to kill Kuzco. Kuzco's poison. That poison?

Arden has this vision of a young kid and a voice tells her that if she kills the kid, the Tymon reign will be over.
She wakes up to Xerin showing up with Braxton, realizes the kid is Braxton and tries to kill him but the Caldari stop her.
She then proceeds to explain hherself. And then they just sorta chuckle and brush it off. Are you guys creepypasta protagonists or what?

Gonna call it! Braxton is Clive's son that's why he's magic.

Also why are all these chapters five pages?

"Not wanting to see his dark side, Braxton does as he says. “Fine, I knew. I knew that I would join all along.” “Then why didn’t you immediately accept?” Xerin presses. “Because the thought of potentially facing my father again is too much to bear.” -There. I said it.- "

the part between dashes is in italics in the book and if Kristen stuck to first person it wouldn't look awkward like that.

Okay I realized I didn't mention this before but apparently prince Braxton left the castle and never returned when Darius banned all magic. It sort of made it sound like he was upset cus he didn't like the idea of genocide and was meant to show he's a good guy.
But he fled cus he's got magic himself, so he was just scared, I guess.

I kinda liked you, Braxton, don't break my heart...

By the way I will grant Kristen this - she writes MUCH BETTER than Robert Stanek. That's a very low bar, but she does write signifficantly better than him and the characters are way more likeable than his.

I was wondering why I'm annoyed at the name Xerin and I just realized it's cus it reminds me of Xith from Robert Stanek's "Ruin Mist" holy shit I read too many bad books what am I doing with my life?

"Aldreda Tymond killed her husband."

She sees Aldreda and Aldreda is holding a knife and that's all we know and how we find out she's the king's murderer. That's about it. No solid confirmation just this.

And anyway WHY do we care? It's been established Darius is a tyrant, which indicates the king's death is connected to him. Who cares who specifically it was? That's not how coups work, Kristen!

"With wide eyes, she puts her index finger to her lips. Cerylia nods and imitates the motion. A few minutes go by until Opal peeks out from behind the log. She scans the area, then motions for Cerylia to follow."

We don't know what she saw, we don't get a description of sounds or anything that could indicate why they're hiding and a few paragraphs later we find out the king was murdered by Aldreda. Great.

"Opal tucks the canister back into her bag before saying, “Follow me.”

Kristen, I know you ran out of synonyms for a thing that contains a liquid, but this was not the way to go...

"The two men exchange nods. “We’ll be here,” they say in unison."

This doesn't happen. People don't say the exact same thing in unison just like that. Some people might but it's usually close friends or family who know each other and kind of synchronize. Me and my sister do it a lot with our own inside jokes and references, but we've lived together for over 20 years and even now we're in daily contact.

"She gives the healer a sharp look, feeling foolish for being so startled, as if she were doing something wrong. This is her castle, her Queendom. She can do as she pleases. And do as she pleases she shall."

Gotta up that word count, gotta win that NaNo!
IDK if this was a NaNo novel, but is2g my NaNo manuscript wasn't this bad... Or maybe it was, but I didn't then put it in a book and shove it on to Amazon.

TBH Cerylia might just be a disconnected royal who has no idea about the struggles of her subjects, but nothing up until now has indicated that, and when you've had 60% of the book, of which she took up about 10% not mention this before, while her appearances are all from her perspective, this doesn't really flow well.
Point is IDK if the character's a twat or if the writer is and that's not good writing.

"“Well,” Cerylia says as she reaches the door to Opal’s bedchambers, “it’s safe to say I have a newfound respect for the townspeople of Sardoria. No wonder everyone moves at a glacial pace—especially in the snow.”"

Yeah, no respect for peasants for keeping your kingdom running and working hard so your royal ass doesn't have to. Respect them cus their boots are heavy!
There's so much to unpack here holy shit.

Ok I calmed down.
I'm gonna make a prediction. One of the Savant was missing and apparently no one knows where he is. The Savant collectively gasped at the mention of Arden's last name.

She was admitted to the Cruex cus she's the daughter of a Savant member. Probably also why the book was in her room if it's even mentioned again. So she's not there cus she's good, she's there cus nepotism. Let's see if I'm right.

FOUR PAGES

FOUR PAGES OF EXPOSITION AND A SHORT ARGUMENT BETWEEN CLIVE AND DARIUS

AND DARIUS GIVES IN AT ONCE AND THE CHAPTER ENDS

WHY IS THIS HERE

and I actually LIKE the tension between Clive and Darius but we don't get to see the meeting. This could be SO GOOD. But as Kristen can't write dialogue we change POV and move on.

YA FUCKED IT UP, KRISTEN
I WAS HERE FOR THIS AND YA FUCKED IT ALL UP

OH LOOK A GOOD IDEA

The Savant, mainly Clive, who's now confirmed to be Aldreda's ex and probably sideChad, want her to be present during the meeting with the king, while Darius doesn't want her anywhere near Clive.
And Darius can't really say no, because he's in the presence of several powerful mages.
This is a great scene demonstrating how his own schemes turn against him.

Can't wait till she fucks it up.

THREE PAGES are nothing but exposition. Going from one member of the Savant to the other and explaining their abilities and backstories.

I was pretty sure show don't tell was a big thing in writing tips and that she mentioned it, but I skimmed her videos on YT and yeah, it's almost all marketing and "life coaching" bullshit.

I need to make a longer takedown of her whole "brand" don't I?

"As a Curser, Landon has the ability to enchant objects, people—anything really—and produce highly negative effects."

I'm a curser too, and this book's not fucking helping.

"Tymond had searched for what felt like ages for someone who could conjure the elements—fire, water, air..."

Look, you can't have the avatar and kill him, dude.
But seriously, dude orders all magic wielders killed and magic books destroyed and then complains in his own POV that he can't find a mage.

"Keeping an eye on Aldreda over the past couple of days has been exhausting, but she seems to be keeping to herself for the most part. Clive, too."

https://youtu.be/ulteZYyWAA8