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“I have never been really able to believe that human affairs were serious matters. I had no idea where the serious might lie, except that it was not in all this I saw around me—which seemed to me merely an amusing game, or tiresome… I occasionally pretended to take life seriously. But very soon the frivolity of seriousness struck me and I merely went on playing my role as well as I could.”

it’s 2:47am?!!

“I realized this all at once the moment I had the suspicion that maybe I wasn't so admirable. From then on, I became distrustful. Since I was bleeding slightly, there was no escape for me; they would devour me. The circle of which I was the center broke and they lined up in a row as on the judges' bench.“

“One dies if necessary, one breaks rather than bending. But I bend, because I continue to love myself.”

“I loved them, according to the hallowed expression, which amounts to saying that I never loved any of them.”
—
“No, it was not love or generosity that awakened me when I was in danger of being forsaken, but merely the desire to be loved and to receive what in my opinion was due me. The moment I was loved and my partner again forgotten, I shone, I was at the top of my form, I became likable.”

I progressed on the surface of life, in the realm of words, never in reality. All those books barely read, friends barely loved, cities barely visited, women barely possessed. I went through the gestures out of boredom or absent-mindedness. Then came human beings; they wanted to cling, but there was nothing to cling to and that was unfortunate—for them. As for me, I forgot. I never remembered anything but myself.