vida > Recent Status Updates

“i realise now that when i was playing these silent movies of life after our life, you were still there. you were sitting with me, the two of us alone in the theatre, still together. this sadness is not an empty church and not an empty house. it is the whole empty whole and i am in it and it is in me… i wanted to grieve while i still had the solace of you”

“what in me wants to persist if there is no life to extend, no hunger to feed? what in me wants to die?”

“‘what’s at the ocean?’ what’s at the ocean. what’s at the ocean. ‘i think there just has to be somewhere i’m going”

“if they cut me into little parts and bury me in separate holes, will that be that? will i still think of you? will my loss be multiplied or divided?… how small of altered or distant must a part of us be before it stops being a part of us? does it ever?”

“whatever sound our footsteps make is swallowed up by surf we can’t see until the last rise when all the shining world comes into view and we are like two piles of leaves picked up by the wind. everything that was separated into you and me is thrown together and tossed up into the sky.”

“fasting makes sense of the hunger. the constant internal grasping… it closes the loop. if i am hungry and i eat and i remain hungry, hunger becomes rage. but to deny fulfillment makes sense of the hunger - i dont eat, so i am hungry.”

i’ve never cried to a book before but this part got some tears out of me

“unfed, the swarm shapes and reshapes inside of me. the world is big and empty, but inside of me is even bigger, even emptier. hunger makes me vast and bottomless. i run and i run and i run. i eat the road. i devour it.”

“everything in me is sad and everything around me is a part of it. the cracked pavement, the moon, the abandoned cars, the gravity that holds them to the road. it is total.”

holyyyyyy fuuuucck nuggets

“who can say why every loss and deferred sorrow is consolidated in the door’s incontrovertible latch… for a minute i am undone.”

“i can feel it on my skin. the loss.”