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In working with our anger, we need to discover why we feel threatened and then work with our feelings of vulnerability.

1. Understand the values you place on the things that make you angry
2. Consider the way that you feel hurt and vulnerable

Many psychologists think that beneath the veneer of an angry person is a very vulnerable one — not someone who is confident or strong. Confident people rarely need to get angry as they feel less easily threatened and more assertive. It is because anger implies that we have felt something as a threat or block that it can be so ‘hot’ and difficult to control.

The steps to forgiveness often require us to fully acknowledge what we have done, face our guilt and pain, learn from it, make amends if we can, and give up attacking ourselves.

Unexpressed anger actually causes depression. - Freud

What Triggers Anger?
1. Frustration related
2. Injury related
3. Exploitation
4. Lack of attention
5. Envy and jealousy
6. Lack of social conformity
7. Compassionate anger

If you feel sorry for your poor behavior then it is useful to express this as sadness rather than as anger.

Work out how much your guilt lead you to take on a rescuing hero stance in life. Is this helpful to you? What do you risk by doing this? Will you get burnt out? If there are times when you have to say no to people, be aware that you might feel guilt to some degree; but you don’t need to always back down.

Sometimes therapy is about learning to tolerate our negative feelings.

As a rule of thumb, when you hurt people with your thoughtlessness—and you will, we are not perfect—own up to it. Allow yourself to feel the guilt and pain you have caused. This does not make you a bad person; far from it. It keeps you in touch with your caring feelings and compassion.

When you’re depressed, it feels like everything has to be earned. However, such sense of ‘deserving from earning’ can be unhelpful. Now the question for you is: if good things happen to you, can you enjoy them? Can you really appreciate and take joy from them? Or are you a person who constantly thinks, ‘I don’t deserve this?’

It is important to allow yourself to take an honest look at your life and see what needs to change to make you feel less burdened. Are you expecting too much of yourself? Have you become exhausted? Do you feel like this when you are not depressed?

Coming out of shame is often a slow opening-up process. We gradually learn to reach out to others, and become more compassionate with them and with ourselves. Once you make the decision to come out of hiding, numerous possibilities become open to you.

Guilt and Escaping

✅ Try to work out what specifically you want to escape from.

If people try to be helpful, respect their efforts rather than discounting them. Again, avoid thinking in all-or-nothing terms—i.e. they must understand completely or it’s pointless. Maybe a little understanding is helpful. Maybe it’s part kf a step-by-step approach. Try to avoid attacking others if they do not understand in the way you would wish, as this will put them on the defensive.

Since shame is usually about hurt, sometimes it is possible to tell others what has hurt us and explain our feelings.

If we stick with negative labels, we stay in hiding and withdraw. Then our chances of recovery are reduced.

We have to come out of hiding… At times we can block ourselves from connecting with others because we cannot face revealing what we feel ashamed about. However, just because you think something is bad does not mean others will.

There is wisdom in recognizing what we can do for ourselves and where we need help from others.

Healing Shame:
1. Self-consciousness
2. Challenging your internal bully
3. Direct engagement
4. Relating with others

Shame operates on the “better safe than sorry” rule.

1. Thwarted efforts to be recognized as good and able;
2. Pressure to conform;
3. Direct attacks and putdowns

“To risk exposure to shame is to risk not being accepted and not belonging.”

Confronting Shame

1. Shame about our bodies
2. Shame about our competence and abilities
3. Shame in our relationships
4. Shame of what we feel

Approval feels good but you can’t base your self-esteem on it.

This does not mean that we become selfish and do not care for others, or selfishly follow our own course regardless of other people’s feelings, or turn others into servants to fulfill our own needs. Rather, it means that we can be pleased with approval but not devastated wo it.

Challenging depression may mean exploring values and attitudes that are no longer useful. Working hard to get well may mean working hard to change some of our attitudes—not just following them more vigorously.

Life scripts offer an identity.

“I am the kind of person who __________.”
or
“I am the kind of person who is not or does not ________.”

“The time has come to give up the labels that others have given me. I wish to become my own person.”

Types of Self-Bullying or Self-Thinking
1. Self-blaming
2. Self- criticism
3. It-Me
4. Self-hatred
5. Social comparisons
6. The inner bully

To come to terms with [our] feelings we usually have to admit to things we feel guilty about and then learn how to forgive ourselves for them.

“Be in the world but not of the world.”

Typical Types of Thoughts (When Depressed)
1. Jumping to (negative) conclusions
2. ‘I must’
3. Dismissing the positives
4. All-or-nothing thinking
5. Overgeneralizing
6. Egocentric thinking

These can be CHALLENGED SUCCESSFULLY.

The secret of success is the ability to fail.

Feelings are very unreliable sources of truth. So, if you’re depressed, don’t trust your feelings. The strength of your feelings does not reflect reality.

“Our cravings are the source of our unhappiness.” - Buddha

The key here is to try to turn your ‘musts’ into preferences. Try to recognize that reducing the strength of your cravings can set you free, or at least freer.

Writing Things Down: Why This is so Important
1. Writing down is slowing down
2. Attention
3. Catching thoughts
4. Clarity
5. Gaining a perspective

Ways to Challenge Negative Thoughts
1. Rationality and logic
2. Compassion
3. Problem-solving approach

“Challenging but not overwhelming.”

Writing thoughts down helps to clarify them and allows you to concentrate on them, thus avoiding having them slip in and out of your mind in a rather chaotic fashion.

The way we think about things can be highly stressful. If we are critical of ourselves, lose perspective on things, and focus only on the negatives, then this is going to make our depressions much worse. If you can learn to be less critical and more kind to yourself, find ways to keep a sense of perspective and cope, even in dark times, then this just might give your stress system a chance to settle down and heal.