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Then he dips me backward with a flourish. I can feel the
smile on his lips when they press against my own. Shouts and
hoots of delight reverberate around us.
For the first time ever, we’re both winning at the end of a
band performance.

“But…you said that was your strategy for winning?”
“I didn’t have a strategy—I just couldn’t look away.”
“I needed you to look back at me. Just once. And then you did.”
“There’s no way that’s true. You’d never voluntarily lose a game against me.”
Max’s hands slide down my neck.
“That was me winning.”

Even if I could get past everything
else, I don’t think I’m strong enough to be his secret
anymore, or the girlfriend all his friends despise. I want to be
with someone who’s proud to be with me.

That’s all it takes to make my pulse skitter. No matter my
hesitations or worries, there’s no denying how Max makes
me feel. I could lose out on our bet, the MVM award, even
state, and I’d still be happy as long as Max was with me. But
could he say the same? I know he really cares about me. He
just cares about band more.

There was a tiny part of
me that was worried about how things would go today. What
if yesterday hadn’t meant as much to him as it had to me?
What if he’d had his fun and now he was over me? But the
realization that we both have the same worries allows me to
take a breath. I lean into him, and he pulls me to his chest
without hesitation.

The way he looked at me,
as if he couldn’t possibly believe his luck. As if
I was what he wanted the most in the whole world.

“We’re
competitive and stubborn, but it worked between us anyway.
We’ve always worked, Hazel.
”

I remind myself that everything will be
fine no matter what. The worst-case scenario is that I tell
him how I feel—how I’ve always felt—and end up leaving the
forest with a broken heart and never-ending embarrassment
and misery and then have to run an hours-long D&D game
across from said heartbreaker.

“Wow, I really thought we
were about to get into a huge fight. I was preparing a whole
speech in my mind about why you should forgive me.”
“I’d like to hear that.”
He steps closer, and his nearness sends sparks up my
spine.
“I could still give you the speech. It includes a lot of
pleading, in case that’s of interest.”

Is there a version of reality where Max and I could ever act like that?

“No, I think it’s cute, I’m just not getting involved in
anyone’s love life. If there’s something between them,
they’ll figure it out.”
“Maybe.” He leans forward.
“But sometimes people never figure it out,
even when all the evidence is right in front of them.”
Suddenly, I’m not sure if we’re talking about Li and Felix
anymore.

“You and I have never seen more eye to eye. I almost
believe you’ve turned over a new leaf. No pun intended,” I
say and gesture at the trees.
“Yeah?” He stills and turns to me. It’s so quiet here, with
only the gentle rustle of the branches and the trickle of
water. I understand why couples come here to be alone.
“I’d like to make it up to you. I’ll do whatever you want me to do.”

“I wouldn’t mind finally kicking your butt at Settlers of
Catan right now.”
“An impossible goal when you’re so bad at board games.
Set your sights lower.”
He swallows and his eyes trail over me.
“I’ve already set my sights very high.”

“I knew you’d never look back at me. Seemed like the easiest path to victory.”
The explanation makes sense, but I’m surprised by how disappointed I am from it. It’s embarrassing how quickly my feelings for Max can resurface no matter how hard I push them away.“Well, sorry I looked that last time and wrecked your victory plan.” He shakes his head. “Actually, don’t be.”Then he smiles and walks away

I wish the storm was stronger right now so lightning
could strike and kill me where I stand. I’m barely holding it
together and Mom is talking about me winning the MVM
award?

“That’s only because you’re looking at my life from the
outside.”

He tilts his head up to the sky, and his Adam’s apple bobs.
“Maybe I don’t want to be on the outside anymore.

“And you better behave yourselves up there. Although if you don’t, no one will know since I can’t climb that ladder.” She raises her eyebrows in a suggestive way and my cheeks flush with heat.

He shrugs. “I don’t really talk about it.”
“But… you’re talking about it now.”
“Yes.” He messes with a napkin lying on the table. “You seem to have that effect on me.”

My brain won’t let the memories go, and they’re as painful as ever. Losing Paige, especially, is a wound I can’t stop scratching long enough for it to heal.

“I’m not sure I have it in me to prolong my life past physiological improbability, but for you, I think I would try. I would become anything just to get some more time with you.”

“What can I do for you?” I whispered.
“You’re doing it, Veronica,” His hand traveled to my side, lightly cupping my hip.
“Just stay.”

PEAKKK 🥹

I told myself that I’d return it the night after, and then maybe the next one. Then I decided that I’d wait for Victor to ask for it, but he never did. Maybe because since I’d started wearing it, I’d been showing up for work a little earlier than I used to.

I looked back and found his eyes on me. Neither of us said anything, but the world shifted around us, and maybe even inside us.

🥹

dance with me - beabadoobee

“Only the desperate will ever find this place. Hatta found it when he was desperate not to meet the same fate as his father. I brought you here because you were in so much pain, and I was desperate to make it stop.”

“But also, I sometimes pretend that it’s me, instead of him. I suggest he do the things that I would do. if I were… deserving of you.”

NO I GOTTA GO TO SLEEP BRO.