Alyssa P. > Recent Status Updates

Decided to pick this back up, and I can't believe all the details I missed when I first tried to read this! So well-written, honest, and funny.

Venting is necessary. Get those feelings out before confrontation. Feelings are legit. However, it's crucial to express your feelings, how you've been affected, and what needs need to be met. Intend for a positive outcome and provide the other party an opportunity to improve themselves. Try to channel energy towards resolving the conflict in a productive way where everyone learns/grows.

It's crucial for the parties to find common ground. A note I forgot to take earlier: emotions are important to consider in conflict, too; it's not exclusively facts. People's feelings are legitimate and those need to be worked out too. Also, I don't have to choose between being quiet or being bossy - balance exists. This might be the "assertive communication" discussed in therapy.

"It's important to stand up to authority when it's corrupt, but it's also important to understand how it became corrupt in the first place, so you can better reason with them." (p. 79)

p. 82 - Striving for perfection = living in shadow of humiliation. Messing up is OK.

p. 88 - Sometimes people will hate you for no reason. You can't please everyone. It's not a problem for you to fix, cuz that's on them.

"When [people] change is if you help them see the other as a human being."

I have also had to come to a similar revelation - that it's not about being the hero and the other party being my enemy. It's about helping others change for the better, or at least understanding them, so you're not enemies anymore.

This is a challenging read. I've always perceived any conflict as negative. I always think I'm right. As I read, all I could think was: "What about things that are just wrong, like Nazis?" But I remembered from therapy: You can't control others' actions. This book is about understanding what conflict is, what causes it, and how to be constructive about resolving it. Ethical issues are for a different book.

Nikki recommended this book on his IG. I was worried this would be about mindlessly agreeing with your opponent and excusing the consequences of their actions, but page 11 mentions "making it possible for each person to forgive themselves and others without condoning the harm they or their opponents have caused." Let's see how this works out.

HOLY SHIT

"That was the thing about restorative justice. It allowed you to hold two things in your head at the same time...That the whole thing wasn't a big deal, and that it kind of was. That's what community was. All those layers of understanding."

"The problem with gender is that it prescribes how we should be rather than recognizing how we are. Imagine how much happier we would be, how much freer to be our true individual selves, if we didn't have the weight of gender expectations."

So I agree with some of the authors' sentiments & I even relate to her a bit. We are both autistic girls, after all. However, I'm not into her whole "recovery from autism" thing. Also, the "remember things could be worse" thing seems a bit bootstrappy to me.

"...when we celebrate a disability, we forget the burdens it imposes on people."

So if my reading comprehension is working properly, the implication the author is making is that any disability inherently makes you a burden to others.

Okay, so the premise, nor the beginning, doesn't seem too bad: autistic girl wants to share her experiences with other teens.

I didn't quite understand all the stuff about death & how being aware of it helps us live more fulfilling lives. "[Embracing] the reality of the unexpected." I can't quite wrap my head around it.

Stopping here to check out Elliott Smith on Spotify.

"False notions of love teach us that it is the place where we will feel no pain, where we will be in a state of constant bliss. [...] Acceptance of pain is part of loving practice. It enables us to distinguish constructive suffering from self-indulgent hurt."

Principles of love ethic: showing care, respect, knowledge, integrity, & the will to cooperate.

"Learning how to face our fears is one way we embrace love. Our fear may not go away, but it will not stand in the way."

"[Living purposely] entails taking responsibility for consciously creating goals, identifying the actions necessary to achieve them, making sure our behavior is in alignment with our goals, and paying attention to the outcome of our actions so that we see whether they are leading us where we want to go."

I definitely gotta reread this & take notes. This book resonates deeply with me.

"There can be no love without justice. Until we live in a culture that not only respects but also upholds basic civil rights for children, most children will not know love."