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And, against all odds, the book ends with--what else?--an overlong, boring, pointless conversation! Not that Hamilton could top the insanity of the last few sex scenes.

"'Torture has solved your crimes before the police could even finish processing their so-called evidence.'" Er...Hamilton, I don't think it's a good idea to ADMIT that three-eighths of your book was pointless. Oh, and Andais is holding the torture victim by his intestines. First wall-blasting sex, then Amatheon being f***ed back to life as a mud-man, and now intestines as a leash. This book is just surreal.

This is the climax (pardon the pun) of the book. Amatheon has now become a giant mud-man, and he reappears WITH HIS PENIS IN MERRY'S VAGINA. His giant MUD-PENIS. While Adair's penis is already there. And GIANT MUD-PENIS. Merry F***ED ONE OF HER BOYTOYS BACK TO LIFE. AS A MUD-GIANT. WITH A MUD-PENIS. There are sex scenes in troll fics less goofy than this.

Oh, God, now Merry's wangsting about friggin' BEEF STEW?! And, of course, the harem drops everything to comfort her?! What a crybaby! She wants to be queen of a faerie realm?! She's not even level-headed or mature enough to be a homecoming queen!

Cutie marks. The members of Merry's harem and Merry herself now have CUTIE MARKS. Like goddamned My Little Ponies. Oh, Doyle calls them "tattoos" and "marks of power," but come on: Merry has a moth on her body, Nicca has a flower, Galen has a butterfly...they're cutie marks. I'm betting one guy has a smiley face, and another guy has a heart, and a third guy has a rainbow.

"It looked like a miniature battlefield". And what caused this miniature battlefield? Merry's threesome. The demi-fey were stabbed with pieces of wood when the door blew up from the POWER OF ORGASM. I am not kidding. I truly wish I was.

Just an update: mistletoe has magically appeared in Merry's hair. Doyle says that mistletoe "'was once considered the seed of the god'". Merry is wearing JIZZ FROM A GOD IN HER HAIR.

And Frost worries that he and the other guards won't be able to keep Merry safe--from the natural disasters caused by her having sex. That's it. Hamilton CAN'T be taking this seriously. She has to be f***ing with us. She just HAS to be.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. The threesome between Merry, Galen, and Kitto was SO POWERFUL it BLASTED A HOLE IN THE WALL. How is this not a parody of some kind?!

"Tight and wet". Did Hamilton use that description first for Anita Blake, or for Merry? Anybody know?

...Galen, Merry was going to give Kitto the blowjob. You stole that opportunity from him. The Kitto sex scenes are creepy as hell and completely unappealing, but come on. That's really dickish of you, Galen.

"'Would you deny me my last moments with our Merry?'" Nicca, BIDDY IS SUPPOSEDLY YOUR TRUE LOVE. Will you get your mind off f***ing Merry already?! Man, if Nicca and the rest of the harem are Hamilton's ideal men, she can have them.

Hey, finally, Merry's getting some oral sex! Although it's Nicca who's doing it. This is the boytoy who's about to leave her to be paired with his so-called twu wuv. And as far as I know, none of the rest of her harem eat her out. Huh.

"Summer, when the land is hot and ripening". I think "ripening" is an even less sexy word than "sopping".

Oh, good grief. Nicca wants his last sex scene with Merry to be SPESHUL, because he's so sorry that he's going to be paired with Biddy and won't get to have sex with Merry anymore. He even says "You are sending me to what amounts to my marriage bed" to her. I wish Biddy were in this scene; I would love to see her dump his pathetic, Sue-loving ass.

Okay, if any Wicca are paying attention, tell me: when you're talking about the Goddess' consort, do you say stuff like "Consort save us," the way Christians say, "God save us"? I don't know. It just seems awkward to me.

"'It's not easy for a woman to rape a man.'" Hey, Hamilton? It kind of is. Rape is NOT just a stranger in a dark alley overpowering someone. Kindly go f*** yourself.

"Merry, are you crying?" "Yes." "Why?" "She thought she'd lost you today, Galen." "Is that why you're crying?" Oh, my GOD, this dialogue is the WORST. It's so banal and repetitive and useless and...ugh. Do these people EVER talk about anything important? No wonder faerie is dying: it takes them six hours to have a simple conversation.

You know, for something that's supposed to be wish-fulfillment, Merry's situation sounds pretty crappy. I mean, she HAS to have sex with four men in one night, when she doesn't feel like it, all because of alliances, or the queen's orders, or to give men back their powers. None of it is because she herself wants to have sex. Merry is literally a royal whore, except she doesn't even get paid. This is just pathetic.

"And that was how the negotiations began"? Are you KIDDING me? Why was that particular bit of needless blathering summed up, but NONE OF THE REST OF IT WAS?! Was that the moment where even Hamilton got bored with all the meaningless chatter?!

Wait...these tiny demi-fey ride NILE MONITORS? As in, the carnivorous lizard? Why aren't THEY the main characters? They sound so much more interesting. Why do we have to follow this annoying Sue and her army of ugly boytoys around when we have fairies who RIDE LIZARDS?

It's like Hamilton set out to write a cruel but competent, Machiavellian ruler, but she can't stand not to make her villain jealous of her Mary Sue for some reason or other, so we get the contradictions in Andais' character and the fact she constantly forgets about her own plans for Merry.

Hamilton's writing of Andais makes no sense. On one hand, we have the sensible, competent Andais, who dislikes Merry, but is willing to use her and her magic vagina (I know, I know) to bring life back to faerie. On the other hand, we have the stupid, raving, incompetent Andais, who acts surprised at Merry's sex powers and throws tantrums about them, even though they're the only reason she's even named Merry her heir.

In fact, hatred of women is one of the main themes of this wretched heap of misogyny. "Queen Andais is torturing her guards, who are long-haired pretty boys? Quick, we must save them all! Prince Cel is torturing his guards, who are women? Eh, just let them suffer; they probably deserved it anyway." This is more disturbing than anything I've read in Anita Blake. How was it never talked about?

"Madenn was openly weeping, and if she hadn't been part of a plot to kill Galen, I might have felt sorry for her." You liar. You never feel sorry for other women. The only woman you've accepted into your entourage is Hafwyn, and she had to get down on her knees and beg and sob before you did. And this was AFTER you heard that Cel raped and tortured his female guards. Hell, this was after you heard he was a necrophile

"'I am queen here! Not you!'" Yes, Hamilton really did have Andais scream that in Merry's face. How are we supposed to take her seriously? I mean, at least Joffrey and Kylo Ren are MEANT to be whiny, tantrum-throwing, spoiled brats. Andais is supposed to be a sadistic but competent ruler. Hamilton just cannot write villains. There's no other explanation.

"'Why is it so important to you that Nicca and Biddy fuck?'" BECAUSE THEY'RE THE FIRST FERTILE FAERIE COUPLE IN CENTURIES! YOU JUST DISCUSSED THIS, GODDAMMIT! HAVE YOU NOT BEEN LISTENING AT ALL, ANDAIS?! OR DO YOU HAVE THE MEMORY OF A GOLDFISH?! WHY ARE YOU SO DAMN STUPID?!

"'Could you bring any of us, all of us, back to our power? Is one good fuck from you all it takes?'" Um...yes? Remember, that was the whole point of the last book? That was the reason you were sending all your guards to Merry in the first place? Andais, Andais, Andais. When did you start losing your memory?

"I was in Aisling's arms, and I wasn't safe at all." BUT YOU JUST SAID...ugh. WHY IS THIS EVEN A SOURCE OF CONFLICT?! JUST STEP OUT OF HIS ARMS, YOU BRAINLESS, USELESS TWIT!