Ask the Author: Michelle Obama
Answered Questions (8)
Michelle Obama
To me, using your voice is one of the most important things we all have to learn—and everyone’s path toward figuring it out is different. I was lucky. My parents started me off from a sturdy foundation. They didn’t believe children should be raised in a “seen but not heard” kind of household. They always made me feel like they were interested in what I had to say, and they treated my older brother and me the same—there wasn’t a different set of expectations for me because I was a girl. They answered every question I had, even when it meant long discussions at dinner with a headstrong elementary-school student. That environment gave me the confidence I needed to use my voice in other settings—with friends, at school, and ultimately in the workplace. Because I knew my voice was respected at home, it was often natural to feel that way outside of it.
Now, I know not everyone has a childhood like that. There are all sorts of cultural and societal barriers that slow girls down and stifle their voices. But there are a lot of things we can do as parents, teachers, and mentors to young women to show the young women in our lives that their voice matters. Confidence is a tricky thing. It’s built not in days or weeks, but in months and years. And at any moment, something might happen—a snide comment, a difficult coworker, a tough project—that has the potential to sweep away the progress we’ve made over a long period of time.
So while I know there’s no perfect recipe, and every young woman is different, I’ve got a few tips to help instill more confidence in younger women. First, make the connection. If we see a young woman finding her way, it’s up to us to reach out to her. Shoot her an email to set up a coffee date. Pull her into your office after a frustrating meeting. Do a walk-and-talk on your way to lunch. The two of you may develop a friendship or a more consistent mentoring relationship—or you may not. Either way, it’s a positive result because at the very least, she’ll know that there’s another friendly face around.
Second, start early. Those of us who are parents or teachers or work with young people in other ways have crucial roles. It’s up to us to be the voices that build confidence, not squash it. So we need to stay mindful of the environment we’re creating around us. Is it one that allows young women to feel comfortable and allows them to be free to make mistakes? Or is it one where we’re constantly striving to get them to talk or to share a little bit about themselves? We all have those memories as adolescents or teenagers when we felt embarrassed or uncomfortable. But a few good experiences—a place we felt safe, an adult who reached out, a teacher who inspired us—can help build a forward momentum that can withstand the setbacks that will no doubt come their way.
Third, show them their power. A point I often make to young women I’m speaking with is that if they aren’t sharing their ideas, then nobody else is either. So by staying silent, they’re not just silencing themselves, they’re silencing other women (and men) who think like them, too. The first step doesn’t have to be speaking up in a big meeting—they can talk to a coworker or supervisor instead. Because with enough of those smaller steps, with enough experiences of seeing the positive impact they can make with their voice, they’ll build the confidence to speak up on behalf of themselves and others in larger settings. But if they stay silent, nothing’s going to change.
Here’s one final piece of advice. Let them know a little secret that most of us learn after a few years in professional settings: The people who are dominating conversations—the ones who are the loudest? Most of the time, they don’t really know what they’re talking about.
Now, I know not everyone has a childhood like that. There are all sorts of cultural and societal barriers that slow girls down and stifle their voices. But there are a lot of things we can do as parents, teachers, and mentors to young women to show the young women in our lives that their voice matters. Confidence is a tricky thing. It’s built not in days or weeks, but in months and years. And at any moment, something might happen—a snide comment, a difficult coworker, a tough project—that has the potential to sweep away the progress we’ve made over a long period of time.
So while I know there’s no perfect recipe, and every young woman is different, I’ve got a few tips to help instill more confidence in younger women. First, make the connection. If we see a young woman finding her way, it’s up to us to reach out to her. Shoot her an email to set up a coffee date. Pull her into your office after a frustrating meeting. Do a walk-and-talk on your way to lunch. The two of you may develop a friendship or a more consistent mentoring relationship—or you may not. Either way, it’s a positive result because at the very least, she’ll know that there’s another friendly face around.
Second, start early. Those of us who are parents or teachers or work with young people in other ways have crucial roles. It’s up to us to be the voices that build confidence, not squash it. So we need to stay mindful of the environment we’re creating around us. Is it one that allows young women to feel comfortable and allows them to be free to make mistakes? Or is it one where we’re constantly striving to get them to talk or to share a little bit about themselves? We all have those memories as adolescents or teenagers when we felt embarrassed or uncomfortable. But a few good experiences—a place we felt safe, an adult who reached out, a teacher who inspired us—can help build a forward momentum that can withstand the setbacks that will no doubt come their way.
Third, show them their power. A point I often make to young women I’m speaking with is that if they aren’t sharing their ideas, then nobody else is either. So by staying silent, they’re not just silencing themselves, they’re silencing other women (and men) who think like them, too. The first step doesn’t have to be speaking up in a big meeting—they can talk to a coworker or supervisor instead. Because with enough of those smaller steps, with enough experiences of seeing the positive impact they can make with their voice, they’ll build the confidence to speak up on behalf of themselves and others in larger settings. But if they stay silent, nothing’s going to change.
Here’s one final piece of advice. Let them know a little secret that most of us learn after a few years in professional settings: The people who are dominating conversations—the ones who are the loudest? Most of the time, they don’t really know what they’re talking about.
Michelle Obama
Thanks for this question, Tatiana. For the most part, I’m not someone who spends very much time thinking about things I have no control over. In fact, a big part of the experience of writing this memoir was recognizing the beauty in each step of my journey. It was a process that reaffirmed to me that every twist and turn—good, bad, and otherwise—played a role in shaping who I am today. If I’d have been born in a different neighborhood, my perspective on the world would be different. If I hadn’t first pursued a career in corporate law, I wouldn’t have met Barack. If, if, if… every hypothetical leads down a different path to a different today. And I’ve lived a life of such blessing and opportunity, there’s no joy in trying to change any of it. The joy, to me, comes in realizing upon reflection that what I thought were weaknesses or failures were actually the things that gave me strength, nudging me along in my path to becoming.
Now, having said all that, I will offer one exception: I wish my father were still alive. I’d have loved to have seen him tickle and joke with our girls, just like he did with my brother and me. I’d have loved to have had his voice as a guide whenever I needed him. I’d have loved to be able have him along for the ride during this last, crazy decade.
So while I’m happy that I’ve come to a place in my life that I can see the beauty and power in even the toughest moments of my journey, I still wish I had more time with my father. I miss him.
Now, having said all that, I will offer one exception: I wish my father were still alive. I’d have loved to have seen him tickle and joke with our girls, just like he did with my brother and me. I’d have loved to have had his voice as a guide whenever I needed him. I’d have loved to be able have him along for the ride during this last, crazy decade.
So while I’m happy that I’ve come to a place in my life that I can see the beauty and power in even the toughest moments of my journey, I still wish I had more time with my father. I miss him.
Michelle Obama
First of all, I hope that frustration isn’t getting the best of you. Because to me, your frustration is a sign that you care—and that’s a good thing. We need people like you out there, hopeful and fighting, even in the face of injustice or inequality.
So what hope can you point your students to? To me, the best answer is to shine a light right back on the young people themselves. I find so much hope in young people who are up against so much—families trying to make ends meet, schools short on resources, communities too often ignored by policy makers—yet they’re still learning and growing and dreaming big dreams. They’re helping raise their brothers and sisters, helping their family earn money, and learning how to adapt and survive in scenarios that a lot folks have no grasp on.
And here’s the thing: all those experiences are giving these young people a leg up on many of their peers. They’re developing skills like grit and resilience that will help them in so many settings in the future. They’re taking on responsibilities that most kids won’t have to deal with until they’re far older. They have so much to offer the world, but most of the time they don’t even see it.
So it’s up to folks like us to show it to them, to hold a mirror up to their lives, to show how much strength and talent and potential they have—all the skills and attributes they already possess that many kids their age can’t compete with. Too often we focus on what they don’t have. Folks like you and me need to show them what they do. It’s not a cure-all, of course. But it’s amazing what someone can do when they see more in themselves.
So what hope can you point your students to? To me, the best answer is to shine a light right back on the young people themselves. I find so much hope in young people who are up against so much—families trying to make ends meet, schools short on resources, communities too often ignored by policy makers—yet they’re still learning and growing and dreaming big dreams. They’re helping raise their brothers and sisters, helping their family earn money, and learning how to adapt and survive in scenarios that a lot folks have no grasp on.
And here’s the thing: all those experiences are giving these young people a leg up on many of their peers. They’re developing skills like grit and resilience that will help them in so many settings in the future. They’re taking on responsibilities that most kids won’t have to deal with until they’re far older. They have so much to offer the world, but most of the time they don’t even see it.
So it’s up to folks like us to show it to them, to hold a mirror up to their lives, to show how much strength and talent and potential they have—all the skills and attributes they already possess that many kids their age can’t compete with. Too often we focus on what they don’t have. Folks like you and me need to show them what they do. It’s not a cure-all, of course. But it’s amazing what someone can do when they see more in themselves.
Michelle Obama
I’m not sure if I have any secret weapons, but for a long time now, my biggest motivator has been giving back. It’s something I feel deep inside, something that has directed my life since long before I was First Lady. As I’ve said in the past, once you’ve achieved some level of success in life, you can’t just sit back and rest on your laurels—you’ve got to reach back and lift someone else up. That’s the sensibility that led me into public service, and whether I’ve been working on children’s health, encouraging students to go to college, or promoting girls’ education around the world, it’s been a consistent driver for me for decades.
Another thing that keeps me going is that I’m someone who, intrinsically, needs to have a full grasp on whatever issue I’m working on. While I was in the White House, that meant I spent a lot of time studying the details of whatever issue I was taking on, reading my briefings, and asking lots of questions to policy experts who knew a lot more than I did. If I’m working on something, I’ve got to do it right. It’s just how I’m built. I can’t really stomach half-measures, and I certainly don’t believe it’s worth my time to go down any roads that aren’t effective. So what that means is that by nature, I’m constantly learning and studying.
Another thing that keeps me going is that I’m someone who, intrinsically, needs to have a full grasp on whatever issue I’m working on. While I was in the White House, that meant I spent a lot of time studying the details of whatever issue I was taking on, reading my briefings, and asking lots of questions to policy experts who knew a lot more than I did. If I’m working on something, I’ve got to do it right. It’s just how I’m built. I can’t really stomach half-measures, and I certainly don’t believe it’s worth my time to go down any roads that aren’t effective. So what that means is that by nature, I’m constantly learning and studying.
Michelle Obama
There’s nothing more intimidating than a blank slate. Of course, a fresh start can be incredibly liberating, but as you said, there’s something comforting in the consistency of a job or a career that we’ve had for years. Imagining ourselves outside of what we’ve known can be a little paralyzing.
But in my experience—and I’ve gone through two big shifts in the last decade—the best thing to do is to take your time. There’s no need to rush into anything. When our family first entered the White House, all sorts of people were wondering what I’d do as First Lady. But I wasn’t going to launch into anything before I was ready. I knew my number one priority was my girls andmaking sure that the rocketship our family had been on didn’t leave them in the dust. I was worried about how they’d transition in a new city, a new school, with new classmates. Thankfully, they made the transition smoothly. Kids are resilient that way. So, once they were settled, I began to more fully explore the issues I’d tackle as First Lady. I explored various strategies over those early months, but it took me over a year to launch my first major initiative. That, to me, was good. It meant I didn’t dive into waters I wasn’t quite certain of. Instead, I could be confident about the direction I was heading.
I’ve gone through a similar process over the last couple of years. In fact, I’ve probably felt a lot of the same things you’re feeling right now. But, having been through a big transition once before, I recognized that I didn’t need to rush myself and add any unnecessary pressure about setting my path after the White House. Along with working on my memoir, I knew had time to sit back, breathe, and enjoy the time—because soon enough, my next steps would reveal themselves. For me, I’ve continued to connect with young people and promote education for girls around the world. Those are things I love to do and I’ll always love to do. And I know that there will be new frontiers for me to discover—I just don’t know what they are yet, and that’s OK.
So no matter what path you settle on, I hope you’re patient with yourself. You don’t need the answer right now or a week from now or even a year from now. A lot of the joy comes from seeking an answer at all.
But in my experience—and I’ve gone through two big shifts in the last decade—the best thing to do is to take your time. There’s no need to rush into anything. When our family first entered the White House, all sorts of people were wondering what I’d do as First Lady. But I wasn’t going to launch into anything before I was ready. I knew my number one priority was my girls andmaking sure that the rocketship our family had been on didn’t leave them in the dust. I was worried about how they’d transition in a new city, a new school, with new classmates. Thankfully, they made the transition smoothly. Kids are resilient that way. So, once they were settled, I began to more fully explore the issues I’d tackle as First Lady. I explored various strategies over those early months, but it took me over a year to launch my first major initiative. That, to me, was good. It meant I didn’t dive into waters I wasn’t quite certain of. Instead, I could be confident about the direction I was heading.
I’ve gone through a similar process over the last couple of years. In fact, I’ve probably felt a lot of the same things you’re feeling right now. But, having been through a big transition once before, I recognized that I didn’t need to rush myself and add any unnecessary pressure about setting my path after the White House. Along with working on my memoir, I knew had time to sit back, breathe, and enjoy the time—because soon enough, my next steps would reveal themselves. For me, I’ve continued to connect with young people and promote education for girls around the world. Those are things I love to do and I’ll always love to do. And I know that there will be new frontiers for me to discover—I just don’t know what they are yet, and that’s OK.
So no matter what path you settle on, I hope you’re patient with yourself. You don’t need the answer right now or a week from now or even a year from now. A lot of the joy comes from seeking an answer at all.
Michelle Obama
Your question is a good one, Brenda, because the expectations for us as women — and the expectations we put on ourselves — can make reaching for any sort of balance a real struggle. Sometimes it feels like we’re supposed to be everything to everyone at all times: June Cleaver and Betty Crocker, Mary Tyler Moore and Mother Theresa. And if you’re black, you’ve got a whole extra set of expectations layered on you.
So what I’d say is twofold. First, you’ve got to recognize where those pressures are coming from—whether they’re something you actually care about or if they’re just outside noise. If it’s pressure you care about—listen to that. We all want to make sure we’re showing up for our families and friends and careers in a way we’re proud of. But if it’s just noise, you’ve got to do your best to tune it out and focus on what matters.
My second piece of advice is to recognize that balance isn’t something you simply achieve. It’s an ongoing process—a constant steadying. There will be times in your life—day to day and year to year—when your roles as a wife and mother overshadow your career or community efforts, or vice versa. That’s normal. Once you learn to accept that ebb and flow, while also keeping your eye on being the person you want to be, hopefully some of those pressures will start to fall away.
So what I’d say is twofold. First, you’ve got to recognize where those pressures are coming from—whether they’re something you actually care about or if they’re just outside noise. If it’s pressure you care about—listen to that. We all want to make sure we’re showing up for our families and friends and careers in a way we’re proud of. But if it’s just noise, you’ve got to do your best to tune it out and focus on what matters.
My second piece of advice is to recognize that balance isn’t something you simply achieve. It’s an ongoing process—a constant steadying. There will be times in your life—day to day and year to year—when your roles as a wife and mother overshadow your career or community efforts, or vice versa. That’s normal. Once you learn to accept that ebb and flow, while also keeping your eye on being the person you want to be, hopefully some of those pressures will start to fall away.
Michelle Obama
I’m so sorry for your loss, Michelle. It's interesting you mention Suzanne while asking about career swerves because losing her was certainly one of the major events that caused me to reckon with my path. Suzanne was a free spirit; I was a box-checker. But we were dear, dear friends. She represented a part of me that was always there but I’d usually ignored or pushed aside in my focus on sticking to the path I thought the world was telling me to pursue. Losing her at a young age was absolutely devastating. And her death, coupled with the loss of my father shortly thereafter, caused me to really rethink that path I’d been pursuing. I was sitting in a sky-rise office, doing legal work that wasn’t fulfilling to me, and I couldn’t help but ask—what’s it all for?
Of course, you don’t need to suffer a major loss to prompt a reappraisal of your career. Almost everyone I know has switched paths somewhere along the line. So what I’d say is that reevaluating your career is good. Doing so shouldn’t be a cause for anxiety—it’s a way you can reaffirm who you want to be.
If there’s some part of you that’s questioning your career, it’s important to listen to that. Our hearts sometimes know ourselves better than our minds do. For me, that meant pursuing a life of public service—a path I’ve been able to maintain since that major swerve. But even since I made that change, I’ve shifted roles and jobs as my life demanded it. There are times when you can work 60 or 70 hour weeks for less pay, and there are times when you may need to make more money or be home more consistently for your family. Knowing that at the outset—that any career change will probably be followed by more changes, in varying degrees—can help you keep things in perspective if and when you start to re-evaluate things once again.
Of course, you don’t need to suffer a major loss to prompt a reappraisal of your career. Almost everyone I know has switched paths somewhere along the line. So what I’d say is that reevaluating your career is good. Doing so shouldn’t be a cause for anxiety—it’s a way you can reaffirm who you want to be.
If there’s some part of you that’s questioning your career, it’s important to listen to that. Our hearts sometimes know ourselves better than our minds do. For me, that meant pursuing a life of public service—a path I’ve been able to maintain since that major swerve. But even since I made that change, I’ve shifted roles and jobs as my life demanded it. There are times when you can work 60 or 70 hour weeks for less pay, and there are times when you may need to make more money or be home more consistently for your family. Knowing that at the outset—that any career change will probably be followed by more changes, in varying degrees—can help you keep things in perspective if and when you start to re-evaluate things once again.
Michelle Obama
You know, I think it’s expected that a First Lady will write a book after her time in the White House. I started considering it during my time there, even spending some time recording my memories in real time. But somewhere along the line, and I’m not sure exactly when, I decided that I didn’t want to write a memoir just because it was expected of me—I wanted it to be something I was excited about doing, something that felt personal to me.
So I started to think about the kind of book I’d like to write, and more than anything else, I decided I wanted to contribute something that people could apply in their own lives. Because if I wasn’t going to do that, what’s the point of writing a book at all? Over the many months of the writing process, that’s the sentiment that kept me motivated. And that’s why I’ve been so overwhelmed by the response to my memoir—my interactions with readers have been so positive and meaningful. It’s been more than I ever could have imagined.
So I started to think about the kind of book I’d like to write, and more than anything else, I decided I wanted to contribute something that people could apply in their own lives. Because if I wasn’t going to do that, what’s the point of writing a book at all? Over the many months of the writing process, that’s the sentiment that kept me motivated. And that’s why I’ve been so overwhelmed by the response to my memoir—my interactions with readers have been so positive and meaningful. It’s been more than I ever could have imagined.
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