Brenda V asked Michelle Obama:

Several of my friends have read your book and discussed and are now coming to your show in St. Paul in March. I gave my adult daughters your book and tickets for the show as well. How do you balance the expectations placed on you as a woman/wife/mother with your desire to give back to the community and grow in your career? I would love to hear for me and my daughters!

Michelle Obama Your question is a good one, Brenda, because the expectations for us as women — and the expectations we put on ourselves — can make reaching for any sort of balance a real struggle. Sometimes it feels like we’re supposed to be everything to everyone at all times: June Cleaver and Betty Crocker, Mary Tyler Moore and Mother Theresa. And if you’re black, you’ve got a whole extra set of expectations layered on you.

So what I’d say is twofold. First, you’ve got to recognize where those pressures are coming from—whether they’re something you actually care about or if they’re just outside noise. If it’s pressure you care about—listen to that. We all want to make sure we’re showing up for our families and friends and careers in a way we’re proud of. But if it’s just noise, you’ve got to do your best to tune it out and focus on what matters.

My second piece of advice is to recognize that balance isn’t something you simply achieve. It’s an ongoing process—a constant steadying. There will be times in your life—day to day and year to year—when your roles as a wife and mother overshadow your career or community efforts, or vice versa. That’s normal. Once you learn to accept that ebb and flow, while also keeping your eye on being the person you want to be, hopefully some of those pressures will start to fall away.

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