Ask the Author: Thomas Corfield
Answered Questions (7)
Thomas Corfield
What a stupid question. There are no ideas in my books. That much should be obvious.
Thomas Corfield
Beating myself up helps enormously, as does getting others to do it for me. Sometimes I'll say to myself, "Hey, write something or I'll smash you face in," which works brilliantly, except that it's often hard to see through the tears if I've initially refused.
Thomas Corfield
A great question! And one that apparently gets to the root of my abandonment issues, according to my psychiatrist, being the reason I posed it. A great deal of my face is a result of poor genetics and unfortunate timing between crossing the road and a bus. Some of it, particularly the saggy bit on the left, is a result of my mother's habit of using my ear as an ashtray, whereas the other side, which has the color and consistency of bitumen, is a result of the aforementioned bus incident. The top bit used to have hair, until I realized its absence distracted from my face, while the bottom bit that used to be my chin is currently my nose, again because of buses and a sudden movement. I've been known to label bits of my face in an effort to lessen others' clinical revulsion.
Thomas Corfield
I'm currently working on my punctuation and possessive apostrophe usage, some of which had bordered on depravity. I also have some serious abandonment issues and a vague sense of overall uselessness which I'm also working on with Doctor Margery through role-playing and finger painting. As a result, my second Sortabiography, Wrongly Writing, is bound to be not only shocking, but subpoenaed in court.
Thomas Corfield
Write about something that no other writer has considered and do it in a way that has never been done before. In other words, invent a entirely new genre. I have no interest in writing for a genre that's already popular, because I'll be drowned in countless words already written. Instead, create a brand new one in which there's no competition. There's no audience either, of course, but if you are original and genuine, you'll be eventually be discovered, after which, it will be a niche that's just you and those who like to listen. I know all my readers, which makes writing the Dooven Books particularly special. I'm not interested in screaming to be heard, I prefer a quiet chat with a cup of tea and a bun. Niche fiction is wonderful.
Thomas Corfield
Receiving loads of cash from anticipatory film rights. Recently, the rights to Writing Wrongly, my Sortabiography about writing the Velvet Paw of Asquith Novels, were auctioned through BM Media for a huge wad of cash. Although I was thrilled, my barrister, Merchison, took a substantial cut of it because of his part in its exposure. I thought this a bit unfair, considering I'd already given him all my money during the legal proceedings revolving around the books. But because he has a significant problem with alcohol I thought it best not to argue. The other best thing is using pens because they're great.
Thomas Corfield
A hammer and chisel work well to loosen blockages, albeit in my head. Admittedly, I require hospitalization afterwards, but they know me quite well there and I'm often given a room to myself. It's padded too, which is nice, and I get to wear very tight pajamas with belts and and handcuffs, which are for my own good, apparently.
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