Celia Rivenbark > Quotes

“I really loathe [the bumper sticker] 'Proud Parent of a Terrific Kid!'

Why not a bumper sticker for the unlucky parents, something like: 'My Fifteen-Year-Old's in Detox and Not Speaking to Any of Us' or 'My Kid Robbed a 7-Eleven and is in a Center for Youthful Offenders.”
― Celia Rivenbark, Bless Your Heart, Tramp: And Other Southern Endearments

“I'd sooner wear white shoes in February, drink unsweetened tea, and eat Miracle Whip instead of Duke's than utter the words 'you guys'.”
― Celia Rivenbark, Bless Your Heart, Tramp: And Other Southern Endearments

“[Home Economics Textbook from 1950]: "Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so you'll look refreshed when hubby comes home from work. Touch up makeup and put a ribbon in your hair. He's just been with work-weary people. Be a little gay. His boring day needs a lift."

Mama Celia: "Get knee-walking drunk. You've earned it. You've been with four kids under the age of seven all day. Put a ribbon in your nose and try to pull it out of your mouth. You're wasted, after all. Announce you're gay. The look on his face will give you a lift.”
― Celia Rivenbark, Bless Your Heart, Tramp: And Other Southern Endearments

“Never marry something until you've established the perfect pizza ratio...The premise is simple. My husband and I knew we were made for each other because we're a 6:2 ratio, six slices for him and two for me...Never marry a man who wants two slices one week and four the next. They're undependable and highly unpredictable and will likely dump you for some Internet honey who says she doesn't mind his back hair.”
― Celia Rivenbark, Bless Your Heart, Tramp: And Other Southern Endearments

“I have several close friends who have run marathons, a word that is actually derived from two Swahili words: mara, which means 'to die a horrible death', and thon, which means 'for a stupid T-shirt.' Look it up.”
― Celia Rivenbark, You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start in the Morning

“Severe isn't a word normally associated with a cold. Severe is for weather or third-degree burns...No one responds 'severe' when someone asks how her cold is.

In fact, nine out of ten Americans respond to 'How's your cold' with 'It sucks.' So there should be an It Sucks cold formula.”
― Celia Rivenbark, Bless Your Heart, Tramp: And Other Southern Endearments

“Okay, let's see if I got this straight. The butt is the new breast, and the lower back is the new ankle. Now if only we could figure out where the brain has moved.”
― Celia Rivenbark, Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank: And Other Words of Delicate Southern Wisdom

“[Home Economics Textbook from 1950]: "Make [your husband] comfortable. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in low, soft, soothing tones, allowing him to relax and unwind."

Mama Celia: "Place a pillow over his head and hold it there until he promises to do at least one household chore a month.”
― Celia Rivenbark, Bless Your Heart, Tramp: And Other Southern Endearments

“Jehovah's Witness are welcomed into my home...You gotta respect anybody who gets all dressed up in Sunday clothes and goes door-to-door on days so hot their high heels sink a half-inch into the pavement.

The trick is to do all the talking yourself. Pretty soon, they'll look at their watches and say, 'Speaking of end times, wouldja look at what time it is now!”
― Celia Rivenbark, Bless Your Heart, Tramp: And Other Southern Endearments

“Carbohydrates from the Latin, carbo which means "yummy" and hydrates which means "cinnamon bun," are not something I can eliminate or even drastically cut back on.”
― Celia Rivenbark, Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank: And Other Words of Delicate Southern Wisdom

“Pecans are not cheap, my hons. In fact, in the South, the street value of shelled pecans just before holiday baking season is roughly that of crack cocaine. Do not confuse the two. It is almost impossible to make a decent crack cocaine tassie, I am told.”
― Celia Rivenbark, You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start in the Morning

“I'm what is known as perimenopausal. "Peri", some of you may know, is a Latin prefix meaning 'SHUT YOUR FLIPPIN' PIE HOLE".”
― Celia Rivenbark, You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl: Observations on Life from the Shallow End of the Pool

“I think it would be funny to have one of those family decals showing a really skinny teenage girl barfing into a little chalk-outline bag (the bulimic in the family) or the dad figure dressed in the woman's underwear that he truly enjoys slipping into when no one's looking. Or the wife figure smiling with her exaggerated curly hair and tennis skirt, clutching a racket in one hand and a bottle of Stoli' in the other.”
― Celia Rivenbark, Belle Weather: Mostly Sunny with a Chance of Scattered Hissy Fits

“My friends scoffed at my anxiety and said dumb things like, 'Fifty is the new forty!' Which just made me realize that there are a whole lot of other people who suck at math as bad as I do. No. Fifty is fifty.”
― Celia Rivenbark, You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start in the Morning

“She suggested we 'crouch' buck nekkid on the bed or a dresser and leap out at him from the shadows.

Now, my husband can't see all that well in the dark. I think if he comes into a darkened bedroom and finds 140 pounds of cellulite hurtling through space at him, he's going to run like the devil.”
― Celia Rivenbark, Bless Your Heart, Tramp: And Other Southern Endearments

“Sophie and I would use her Christmas break to make homemade treats from our very own kitchen. I mean, if thousands of meth addicts can do it, why can't we?”
― Celia Rivenbark, You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start in the Morning

“This phrase did not have the ring of verisimilitude because I am famously bad at math. If I'm in charge of tipping at a restaurant, the waiter will either fall to his knees in gratitude or slash my tires. There ain't no Mr. In Between.”
― Celia Rivenbark, Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank: And Other Words of Delicate Southern Wisdom

“[Reverend James] Dobson says that the [Spongebob Squarepants] video would be watched by millions of elementary school students and includes a reference to being 'tolerant of differences.' The nerve! Who does Spongebob think he is? Jesus Christ? Tolerance will not be, uh, tolerated. Oh, and tolerance is quite possibly closesly connected to gay-ance.”
― Celia Rivenbark, Belle Weather: Mostly Sunny with a Chance of Scattered Hissy Fits

“I feel guilty looking at those "People of Walmart" photos you see on the Internet. It's not cool to make fun of pitiful people. You really think anyone who wasn't batshit crazy would walk out of the house in a camouflage mankini and a Confederate flag ball cap to go buy some new furnace filters? No, he's cray-cray.”
― Celia Rivenbark, You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl: Observations on Life from the Shallow End of the Pool

“I'm fairly certain that, at this very minute, the [Mars Polar Lander] is floating somewhere around the Neptune feeling tired and cranky and looking for a Holiday Inn.

Of course, you'd have to have a heart of titanium not to feel a twinge of sadness while watching those dejected NASA scientiest waiting by the phone like the class wallflower on prom week.

On the other hand, it was kind of fun to watch a bunch of men waiting by the phone and seeing how they feel when someone promises they'll call and then YOU NEVER HEAR FROM HIM AGAIN.”
― Celia Rivenbark, Bless Your Heart, Tramp: And Other Southern Endearments

“This is the silliest thing I've heard since the cat yoga craze a couple of years ago. I went right out and bought a cat yoga instruction book and tiny terry-cloth headband and renamed my girl cat 'Olive Neutered John,' which she didn't think was funny. Cats have no sense of humor.”
― Celia Rivenbark, You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start in the Morning

“Who can fail to mist at Fergie's anthem, 'My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps.' Hmmm. 'My lunch, my lunch, I swear it's coming up.”
― Celia Rivenbark, Belle Weather: Mostly Sunny with a Chance of Scattered Hissy Fits

“It would be easier if they named jeans for celebrities so you'd know exactly what you were getting without even having to try them on. 'Mary-Kate' for itty-bitty jeans that come with a cartoonishly oversized caramel latte cup; 'Angelina Jolie' for jeans that are sold with two tiny Cambodian orphans stitched right into the back pockets; 'Katie Holmes', jeans which spell out 'help me!' in the fabric if you look very closesly; and 'Dina Lohan', self-promoting stage mom of Lindsay, for jeans that look OK from a distance, but when you get closer, are actually transparent.

For men, there could be 'David Hasselhoff' jeans, made entirely of cheese, and 'John Mayer' jeans which, when removed, become instantly bored and walk themselves to to the house of next 'it' girl in Hollywood.”
― Celia Rivenbark, You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start in the Morning

“Scientists say that...gender bending may keep fish from reproducing because, with so many in sexual limbo, there's just no real push to procreate.

Oh, if only deer, squirrels, and Kardashians would acquire this particular affliction. I'm just kidding. I don't really have anything against deer. Or squirrels.”
― Celia Rivenbark, You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl: Observations on Life from the Shallow End of the Pool

“Ever since they invented Hello Kitty, the world hasn't been the same. You can safely chart the rise of The Culture of Cute since that flat-faced skank started showing up everywhere.”
― Celia Rivenbark, You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl: Observations on Life from the Shallow End of the Pool

“When I opened the last [401k] statement, I jumped out of the window. True, it was the kitchen window and I only fell two feet, so the whole scene lacked drama, but I thought that was the required reaction to extreme financial turmoil in America. And I am nothing if not patriotic.”
― Celia Rivenbark, You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start in the Morning

“I had to start watching [The Real Housewives of New Jersey] every week because, well, my IQ was just too high. I mean seriously up there. What can I tell you? After watching every episode, I am now officially as dumb as that brown, particle-like stuff you find outside and don't want to track inside the house. Rhymes with "wirt", I think.”
― Celia Rivenbark, You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl: Observations on Life from the Shallow End of the Pool

“Why clone cats when there's perfectly good Russell Crowe lying around?”
― Celia Rivenbark, We're Just Like You, Only Prettier: Confessions of a Tarnished Southern Belle

“A friend confided to me recently that she wasn't sure if it was the 'change,' plain old PMS, or just a slow shift toward embracing her inner witch that is causing her to become progressively more irritated by everything her husband does.”
― Celia Rivenbark, We're Just Like You, Only Prettier: Confessions of a Tarnished Southern Belle

“Never invite someone who is speaking a foreign language in your presence to "Go back to your country." The only time that phrase is every acceptable is if you are British and you are speaking to Madonna.”
― Celia Rivenbark, Rude Bitches Make Me Tired: Slightly Profane and Entirely Logical Answers to Modern Etiquette Dilemmas