Spike Milligan > Quotes

“Said Hamlet to Ophelia,
I'll draw a sketch of thee.
What kind of pencil shall I use?
2B or not 2B?”
― Spike Milligan

“Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”
― Spike Milligan

“Money can't buy you friends, but you do get a better class of enemy. ”
― Spike Milligan

“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.”
― Spike Milligan

“I have a body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.”
― Spike Milligan

“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic. ”
― Spike Milligan

“If I could write words
Like leaves on an autumn forest floor,
What a bonfire my letters would make.

If I could speak words of water,
You would drown when I said
"I love you.”
― Spike Milligan

“I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.”
― Spike Milligan

“(On his gravestone): "I told you I was ill".”
― Spike Milligan

“Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.”
― Spike Milligan, Puckoon

“Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.”
― Spike Milligan, Puckoon

“General: Where are you from?
Spike: London.
General: Which part?
Spike: ... Well, all of me.”
― Spike Milligan

“A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.”
― Spike Milligan

“Waiting for the operation, there was a gentle tap on the door. In came a strapping nurse. 'Good morning', she shrilled, whipped back the bedclothes, upped with his nightshirt, grabbed his willy, lathered furiously around it till it looked like the Eddystone Lighthouse in a storm, then shaved the whole area till it looked like an oven-ready chicken.
'Excuse me, nurse', said Looney, 'why did you knock?”
― Spike Milligan

“After Puckoon I swore I'd never write another book. This is it”
― Spike Milligan, Adolf Hitler: My Part in His Downfall

“On the Ning Nang Nong
Where the Cows go Bong!
And the Monkeys all say Boo!
Theres a Nang Nong Ning
Where the trees go Ping!
And the tea pots Jibber Jabber Joo
On the Nong Ning Nang
All the Mice go Clang!
And you just cant catch em when they do!
So its Ning Nang Nong!
Cows go Bong!
Nong Nang Ning!
Trees go Ping!
Nong Ning Nang!
The mice go Clang!

What a noisy place to belong,Is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!”
― Spike Milligan

“Life wasn't too bad. The trouble with Man was, even while he was having a good time, he didn't appreciate it. Why, thought Milligan, this very moment might be the happiest in me life. The very thought of it made him miserable.”
― Spike Milligan, Puckoon

“Patience, thought Milligan, that word was invented by dull buggers who couldn't think quick enough.”
― Spike Milligan, Puckoon

“The die was cast. It was a proud day for the Milligan family as I was taken from the house. "I'm too young to go," I screamed as Military Policemen dragged me from my pram, clutching a dummy. At Victoria Station the R.T.O. gave me a travel warrant, a white feather and a picture of Hitler marked "This is your enemy." I searched every compartment, but he wasn't on the train. At 4.30, June 2nd, 1940, on a summer's day all mare's tails and blue sky we arrived at Bexhill-on-Sea, where I got off. It wasn't easy. The train didn't stop there.”
― Spike Milligan, Adolf Hitler: My Part in His Downfall

“Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death.”
― Spike Milligan

“A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherds Bush”
― Spike Milligan

“What is a Bongaloo, Daddy?"
A Bongaloo, Son," said I,
Is a tall bag of cheese
Plus a Chinaman's knees
And the leg of a nanny goat's eye”
― Spike Milligan

“My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.”
― Spike Milligan

“Author? Author? Did you write these legs?'
'Yes."
'Well, I don't like dem. I don't like 'em at all at all. I could ha' writted better legs meself.”
― Spike Milligan, Puckoon

“The clock in the church tower said 4.32, as it had done for three hundred years. It was right once a day and that was better than no clock at all.”
― Spike Milligan

“The width of neck and shoulder suggested a rugby player, the broken nose confirmed it. Which shows just how wrong you can be as he never played the game in his life.”
― Spike Milligan, Puckoon

“Well, he thought, you can fool some of the people all the time and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be President of the United States, and on that useless profundity, Milligan himself pedalled on, himself, himself.”
― Spike Milligan

“Professor Milligan will now play his tree! The composition is in A Minor, the tree is in A garden.”
― Spike Milligan, Where Have All the Bullets Gone?

“A family man from Siberia
As a father was very inferior
But one operation
Revised the situation
And now he's Mother Superior”
― Spike Milligan, The Essential Spike Milligan

“Come, come, come? I'm not asking for hundreds of pounds, just a little to start with. Will someone say ten shillings?'
'I can say it, Father' said Milligan, 'but I haven't got it.'
'I've got it,' thought Dr Goldstein, 'but I'm not going to say it.”
― Spike Milligan, Puckoon