Michael Ian Black > Quotes

“The truth is I feel bad about calling you a whore. I don't know anything about your personal life; my judgment was based on nothing more than a general whorish vibe you give off.

You look like you'd screw any squirrel that came your way. You look like you'd even screw the knothole in that tree where you live. But this is all speculation on my part, based on nothing more than your aforementioned whorish vibe and sleazy demeanor. Maybe I'm wrong about you. If so, I apologize.

But I really don't think I am.”
― Michael Ian Black, My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face

“I hope you die....

P.S. If you do die, I'm going to go to the funeral and finger your corpse.”
― Michael Ian Black, My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face

“Choose hope over fear.”
― Michael Ian Black, You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations

“If they have to drag some of you fucking fuckers out of here in body bags, I will be so fucking stoked.”
― Michael Ian Black, My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face

“Marriage felt like a fading American institution, as relevant to me as the Elks Club. Plus, I considered myself punk rock, and punk rockers don't believe in boring societal conventions like marriage. We prefer boring societal conventions like punk rock.”
― Michael Ian Black, You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations

“I am not opposed to religion. Far from it. I’m for anything that gives people peace. That’s why I am also for hot tubs and compact discs of whale songs. Anything that soothes the soul is fine by me.”
― Michael Ian Black, America, You Sexy Bitch

“How dare you compare Hitler to this president or any president? How dare you equate what he did with what Obama is doing? Do you have any idea how insulting that is? Do you know anything about history? Do you have any idea what Hitler did? He killed six million of my people, which is six million more than Obama has killed. You're a fucking idiot. You're a fucking moron. You're the fucking problem with this country.”
― Michael Ian Black

“If I have any faith at all, I guess that's it. Faith in the small love that keeps our family together.”
― Michael Ian Black, You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations

“...Even to me, a sufferer, 'depression' seems like a fetid load of weaselly claptrap, a cheap and easy excuse for not participating in life.”
― Michael Ian Black, You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations

“You keep your gods in your backyard and I'll keep my lack of God in mine.”
― Michael Ian Black, America, You Sexy Bitch

“Her lips remind me of kite strings and I find myself thinking about panda bears. Panda bears do not fly kites, I tell myself.

'I thought you were dead,' she says.

Maybe if you taped a kite to a panda paw and scared the panda so that it started running, the kite might start to lift off.”
― Michael Ian Black, You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations

“I am not a music snob. If anything, my musical taste is bad by any critical standards. My favorite song of all time is "Come On Eileen" by Dexys Midnight Runners. A close second is "MMMBop" by Hanson. So I am not out there claiming any musical superiority, but Creed really does suck. Bad music, pretentious lyrics, and a messianic front man. Also they are from Florida. No good rock music has ever come from Florida. Undoubtedly, there will be legions of offended readers who think to themselves, What are you talking about! Such-and-such band is from Flordia and they're freaking awesome! No, whatever band you are thinking of, if they are from Flordia, they suck. Not as much as Creed, but they still suck.”
― Michael Ian Black, You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations

“If I had three wishes for my country, they would be these: keep fighting, keep moving forward, and don’t act like a douchebag.”
― Michael Ian Black, America, You Sexy Bitch: A Love Letter to Freedom

“Cluelessness is not an attractive quality in a man.”
― Michael Ian Black, You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations

“Once I commit to something, I commit—at least until I quit, which can happen at any time.”
― Michael Ian Black, Navel Gazing: True Tales of Bodies, Mostly Mine

“Spirituality has always felt to me as private as sexuality. We don't go waving our wieners all over the place and we shouldn't wave our gods around either.”
― Michael Ian Black, America, You Sexy Bitch

“I do not go to church. I don’t go to Christian church or Jew church or any other church. I don’t go to church at all. Not ever. A perfect Sunday for me is spent drinking green tea while reading the Sunday New York Times. Yikes! Why don’t I just turn in my Al-Qaeda membership form and call it a day? As if that wasn’t bad enough, not only do I not go to church:

I don’t believe in God. How can I say the Pledge of Allegiance if I don’t believe in God? How can I spend our American currency which pledges “In God We Trust?” How can I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, so help me God? Answer: I can’t. It’s a real problem. Don’t get me wrong – I’d like to believe in God. I wish I did, especially if He was the kind of God that thought America was #1. But I don’t, which to many people is the same as not believing in America. Up until recently, I thought those people were lunatics.”
― Michael Ian Black

“There is no feeling quite so delicious as that of being virtuous without having had to do anything.”
― Michael Ian Black, Navel Gazing: True Tales of Bodies, Mostly Mine

“When I am at work, that is my time to work. The workspace is not the appropriate arena for us to discuss your problems. When I am there I need to be left undisturbed to check what people are saying about me on Twitter.”
― Michael Ian Black, You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations

“Perhaps we will end up one of those sad childless couples who spend all their time sleeping late, buying luxury goods, traveling the world, and enjoying each other’s company. That would be terrible.”
― Michael Ian Black, You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations

“When he moves, he gives the impression of somebody leaning into the wind, or charging a hill, as if the world with all of its troubles can be tamed if only enough force and energy are brought to bear.”
― Michael Ian Black, America, You Sexy Bitch

“That's what family is, I guess - finding a place for all the parts of ourselves that fit nowhere else.”
― Michael Ian Black, Navel Gazing: True Tales of Bodies, Mostly Mine

“Write more thank-you cards, but draw fewer swastikas on them.”
― Michael Ian Black, My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face

“Why does Lewis Black have so much hatred for goodness? I do not know. Because I am not a trained psychologist, I think it would be unethical for me to attempt to analyze him. But based upon his feelings regarding candy corn, I think it is safe to assume that he hates freedom, hates himself, and wants to fuck his mother.”
― Michael Ian Black, My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face

“I am extremely gullible when I lie to myself.”
― Michael Ian Black, You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations

“You know how Burger King often employs mentally handicapped people to wipe down tables at their restaurants? What those people are to Burger King, paralegals are to lawyers. It's the lowest job you can possibly get and still technically be considered in the legal profession”
― Michael Ian Black, You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations

“If you are on the honor roll and your parents don't put a sticker on their car saying so, they are not proud of you and do not love you.”
― Michael Ian Black

“Sometimes I worry about what I will do when the shit goes down. I’m not sure which specific shit I mean. Maybe nuclear shit or biological weapon shit or zombie shit. What if my family is cut off from civilization for an indefinite period of time and it’s my job to take care of everybody? Could I muster the necessary resources to accomplish the task? I actually do know the answer to this question: no. When the shit goes down, my family will be the first to die.”
― Michael Ian Black, You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations

“Did my fingering turn you gay? I hope not.”
― Michael Ian Black, My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face

“we walked in, the family’s giant black Labrador”
― Michael Ian Black, A Better Man: A Letter to My Son