Joan Rivers > Quotes

“A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.”
― Joan Rivers

“I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”
― Joan Rivers

“It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.”
― Joan Rivers

“If God wanted us to bend over he would put diamonds on the floor”
― Joan Rivers

“I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make
it through one door, I'll go through another door -- or I'll
make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark
the present.”
― Joan Rivers

“I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”
― Joan Rivers

“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.”
― Joan Rivers

“Listen. I wish I could tell you it gets better. But, it doesn't get better. You get better.”
― Joan Rivers

“She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.”
― Joan Rivers

“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”
― Joan Rivers

“I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays”
― Joan Rivers

“It's obvious that women are smarter than men. Think about it - diamonds are a girl's best friend; man's best friend is a dog.”
― Joan Rivers

“Ginger did everything Fred did, only backwards and in High Heels!”
― Joan Rivers

“Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.”
― Joan Rivers

“If you have more than a couple of kids, you’re not parents—you’re hoarders. And hoarding is a disorder, not a gift.”
― Joan Rivers, I Hate Everyone...Starting with Me

“The only good thing about age is that sooner or later all of the SOBs who dumped you are going to die.”
― Joan Rivers, I Hate Everyone... Starting with Me

“I’m tired of dealing with crazies. When did it become my job to manage your mental illness?”
― Joan Rivers, Diary of a Mad Diva

“We wanted to do it, and we did it and we don't give a damn",”
― Joan Rivers

“Look, I could go on and on and on telling you why I hate myself, but it’s so self-centered…and I’m not like that. I’m a giver. So I’d rather branch out and start giving it to everyone else.”
― Joan Rivers, I Hate Everyone...Starting with Me

“If you’re going to die, die interesting! Is there anything worse than a boring death? (Other than a Charlie Rose marathon on PBS?) I think not. When my time comes I’m going to go out in high style. I have no intention of being sick or lingering or dragging on and on and boring everyone I know.”
― Joan Rivers, I Hate Everyone...Starting with Me

“I hate babies with trendy names like Tiffany and Britney and Heather and Noah and Blake and Justin. I’m sick of Olivia and Chloe and Eva and Madison. I hope Aiden and Jayden and Braden and Graden all suffer minor head injuries while reading Dr. Seuss. Enough already with the cutesy-poo baby names. What happened to John and Dave and Sue? Babies with trendy names grow up to be adults with ridiculous names. “This is our CEO, Micah.” “You know what, Micah? I want my money back. I’m closing my portfolio. I’m going with Michael. He’s a grown-up.” One day all of these trendy-named children will grow up and become parents and then grandparents, and it’s all wrong. Grandma Tori? Zayda Jared? Nana Savannah?”
― Joan Rivers, I Hate Everyone... Starting with Me

“Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.”
― Joan Rivers

“I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.”
― Joan Rivers, I Hate Everyone... Starting with Me

“Laughing made me feel safe. I was not going to be enveloped by the seediness that coated this world like dust.”
― Joan Rivers, Enter Talking

“The act of creation fascinates me. You can only sit with blank page and wait. You cannot press a button, cannot program it.”
― Joan Rivers, Enter Talking

“Hey, you’re taking up the entire sidewalk, bitch!” She scowled and yelled, “I have children!” I yelled back at her, “Well, next time give your husband a blow job and you won’t! Why should I have to walk into oncoming traffic because you don’t want to give a little head?”
― Joan Rivers, I Hate Everyone...Starting with Me

“I find that kind of “look at me” narcissism terribly inconsiderate. If you need attention that badly, set yourself on fire.”
― Joan Rivers, I Hate Everyone...Starting with Me

“Everything comes out of smoke and mist and nothingness, a mystical happening…”
― Joan Rivers, Enter Talking

“I hate people who sneak into first class to use the bathroom. I’m sitting there, in 4F, sipping Cristal and admiring my new line of jewelry for QVC, and suddenly, busting through the curtain and rushing toward the bathroom is some doughy soccer mom holding her crotch and yelling, “Emergency, emergency!” No, it’s not!!! Opening the main hatch and pushing you out at thirty thousand feet for disturbing me is an emergency.”
― Joan Rivers, I Hate Everyone...Starting with Me

“Tyra’s always standing up for herself and her “race” over perceived slights. For example, she’ll say, “You just pushed me because I’m black!” No, I pushed you because the train was coming right at you, you bulimic twit.”
― Joan Rivers, Diary of a Mad Diva