Phillip Andrew Bennett Low > Quotes

“She leaned into me, and I could feel her hot breath against my ear. 'I want you to eat me,' she whispered. 'I want you to eat me like you’re an angry Alaskan grizzly and I’m Timothy Treadwell.”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Indecision Now! A Libertarian Rage

“And I thought, y’know, I mean…this is crazy. I mean, the only thing that determines what country you belong to is where you happened to be born? What is a country, anyway? It’s not, y’know, “purple mountain’s majesty” or “fruited plains,” whatever the hell that means. I mean, America isn’t a place, it’s an ideal. It could happen in the Sahara Desert and still be America. For that matter, I’m the child of immigrants. My father’s lived and worked in this country for the past three decades. And he’s somehow more or less American than some redneck who uses Osama bin Laden for toilet paper? How the hell do you measure something like that?”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Indecision Now! A Libertarian Rage

“INDECISION NOW!' isn’t a battle cry that’s going to rouse anybody’s blood. But I sometimes wonder if it isn’t the sanest one.”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Indecision Now! A Libertarian Rage

“She lifted me back into the seat with a wicked grin, and breathed, 'Just don’t stop talking. Whatever you do, just don’t stop talking,' and swallowed my manhood. I scrambled desperately through the darkened corners of my memory until I couldn’t take it anymore. I grabbed her by the hair and said, 'Now bend over, and I’ll do to you what the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries wants to keep the Federal government from doing to the state of Alaska.”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Indecision Now! A Libertarian Rage

“A number of people who I’ve talked to about this assume that I got into a fight with the cops. (Because of, y'know, the militant politics.) I actually had an audience member come up to me once and ask me if I paid taxes. Of course I pay taxes! I pay taxes for exactly the same reason that I hate paying taxes — because I think my government is terrifying and stupid. I don't need the IRS kicking my door down and taking my meticulously alphabetized collection of Tijuana bibles.”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Indecision Now! A Libertarian Rage

“...for the monsters, for those who fear the monsters, for those who fear to know they are the monsters, for those who know to fear they are the monsters...”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Monsters in a Mirror: Strange Tales from the Chapel Perilous

“…so that’s why I’m pleased to announce my endorsement of Sarah Palin for President in 2016: because you know that whoever gets elected is going to fuck you over. So why not vote for somebody that you actually want to get fucked by?”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Indecision Now! A Libertarian Rage

“Okay. I’m not a white male. At least, not predominantly so. And as I mentioned before, I’m in an environment right now where race is really important. See, Chinese men are not that physically intimidating. We’re not that tall. We’re not that built. We have exactly one thing going for us in a fight — that our opponent recognizes that there’s a possibility, no matter how remote, that we might know kung-fu.”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Indecision Now! A Libertarian Rage

“When she asked him why he'd shot her daddy, he just shrugged and said that he'd been planning on shooting six people when he rode into town. She looked up at him, eyes wide, batting her eyelashes, feigning awe, looking on him the way that Joshua must have looked on the walls of Jericho, and asked him why six; and he said back to her: because his pistol had six bullets in it. With another shrug, as though that answered everything. And then he turned to face her, with his livid scar and gap teeth and breath that stank like the devil and hell, and the words flashed sudden through her mind, clear as if they'd been laid out on parchment: this is what the face of a free man looks like.”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Monsters in a Mirror: Strange Tales from the Chapel Perilous

“And it started out fun. We were chattering enthusiastically, flipping between CNN, MSNBC, and FOX News. But as the evening wore on, and the numbers rolled in, it got quieter, and I found myself becoming intensely depressed. Why was I putting myself through this? The issues I’ve devoted my life to have become so marginalized by the coverage that they have no possible relevance to me. I can’t even blame the media — people simply don’t care about alternate-party politics. And why should they? I’m so far in the minority that my activism is a joke, a punchline that stopped being funny years ago. It goes beyond rooting for the underdog. It’s not rooting for the Giants: it’s more like, say, rooting for the Twins. But during the Super Bowl.”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Indecision Now! A Libertarian Rage

“So, I’m a playwright. In Minneapolis. Which means that I find myself operating in a pretty lefty crowd, most of the time. And most of my energy goes towards arguing with that, and musing about how I really fucking can’t stand Democrats. So I was startled to be reminded of a fact that I’d almost entirely forgotten: I really fucking can’t stand Republicans.”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Indecision Now! A Libertarian Rage

“There is nothing worse than certainty. Doubt makes us weak. That is why it’s so important. I’ve wasted too much of my life trying to be powerful.”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Indecision Now! A Libertarian Rage

“All drunkards are cowards, because alcohol is the most cowardly drug.”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Monsters in a Mirror: Strange Tales from the Chapel Perilous

“So a while back I spent a night in jail. Now, as for exactly what landed me there, I’d be so delighted to never have to go into any of the details regarding that. Besides, other people’s theories are so much more exotic and exciting than the reality. I've heard everything from 'attempted terrorism' to 'indecent public condescension.”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Indecision Now! A Libertarian Rage

“Every muscle in his body tensed for action, adrenalin pounding through his tiny veins, he crept down the stairs, keeping to the corners (where he knew they creaked less). He peered around the bottom of the stairwell into the living room, and there he saw a lean, bearded man, clad only in a loincloth and a crown of thorns. When he bent over the Xmas tree, Tony saw that blood flowed freely from his bare hands and feet. Before the cherubic prepubescent could stop himself, the words flew out of his mouth: “You’re not Santa!”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Get Thee Behind Me, Santa: An Inexcusably Filthy Children's Time-Travel Farce for Adults Only

“There he was, skipping lightly across the surface of the water. He caught my eye and gave me that shit-eating grin again. “Be of good cheer. It is I. Be not afraid.”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Get Thee Behind Me, Santa: An Inexcusably Filthy Children's Time-Travel Farce for Adults Only

“In the Code of Canon Law, it states clearly: 'A person who is conscious of grave sin is not to celebrate Mass or receive the body of the Lord without previous sacramental confession.' I haven’t attended confession in well over a decade, and that’s less because of dogmatic conflict than it is because of moral cowardice. Deeper than that, maybe I don’t want to be forgiven. I want to be punished. Which may be just about the most selfish, egotistical thought I’ve ever had. I’m sick with self-love. Or self-loathing. After all, they’re both essentially the same thing.”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Indecision Now! A Libertarian Rage

“The angel being interrogated paced back and forth, anxiously running his fingers through his hair. Of course, being an angel, he didn't really do any of those things — being a fearsome creature, all wings and feathers and eyes. You might say, rather, that he fluttered about in a vaguely serpentine fashion, straightening out and smoothing one half of his wings with the other. But then, that would be difficult to envision, and probably meaningless, in terms of effectively interpreting his peculiar range of emotion; so we’re just going to go ahead and say that he paced,
because these are angels, and poetic license is the only kind of license that holds any water with them.”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Get Thee Behind Me, Santa: An Inexcusably Filthy Children's Time-Travel Farce for Adults Only

“The Libertarian Party convention wasn’t much better. You will never find a more stammering, awkward, inarticulate group of people than libertarians. I still remember the convention the previous year, entitled 'Women of Liberty.' All of the speakers were women, and all of the topics boiled down to 'Effectively Communicating Libertarian Ideas to Women' — in other words, 'How to talk to girls.' Looking around at the nearly entirely white male audience, it wasn’t hard to see why they chose this tack.”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Indecision Now! A Libertarian Rage

“You'd be surprised what I can understand, pal. Words are important. If you knew anything about magic, you'd understand that. After all, that's all magic really is - words. And fucking people in the dark. You understand that, don't you?”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Monsters in a Mirror: Strange Tales from the Chapel Perilous

“Me? Now? I...I'm damned. By God. Literally. I'm damned by God. I'm goddamned. Y'know what I'm saying?”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Monsters in a Mirror: Strange Tales from the Chapel Perilous

“The door flung open, and the President's daughter burst into the room. 'Daddy!' she cried, unfazed by his lack of pants.”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Monsters in a Mirror: Strange Tales from the Chapel Perilous

“Oh, this is not the time for us to get into that meshugenah debate again! Look, the point is that Jesus of Nazareth, who is a very big deal to the Boss, regardless of whatever metaphysically bewildering relationship they may have, has gone missing, on the eve of the single most important event in the history of Creation. The sentence parses, don’t look at me like that. And, through a comical series of events far too elaborate to detail here, you and I are going to be held directly responsible unless we figure out a way to fix this, and I mean yesterday! And I’m not being poetic, we’re angels, we can totally do that.”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Get Thee Behind Me, Santa: An Inexcusably Filthy Children's Time-Travel Farce for Adults Only

“See, that's the problem with you kids and your iPods and your micropayments - nobody understands the concept of a concept album anymore. Everything's got to be in bite-size pieces. You've got to take a moment to reflect on the fact that it's impossible to say anything meaningful in such an abbreviated form.”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Monsters in a Mirror: Strange Tales from the Chapel Perilous

“Copulation of serpents determined my destiny. Boyish, unmanly, I ventured, adventured my way into forests primeval; glanced down in the dirt, in the dirt-trodden path, where I witnessed the scaly sinews of snakes intertwining in love...”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Monsters in a Mirror: Strange Tales from the Chapel Perilous

“You live in a barn, little brother; you don't understand how politics work. The power to make elections happen lies with a select few, not with the people. If the right few are pleased with you, then you're one of the good politicians. What good does the love of the people do me, if I can't get on the good side of those who matter?”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Monsters in a Mirror: Strange Tales from the Chapel Perilous

“The jolly old elf’s nose was red, but not from cold — rather, from the brutality of a dozen boxes of Kleenex. Mucus flowed freely down his cheeks, and mixed with tears of agony. She folded her arms, pursed her lips, and declared: “You’re not going out this week.”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Get Thee Behind Me, Santa: An Inexcusably Filthy Children's Time-Travel Farce for Adults Only

“I'm a time traveler too, you know, anyone my age is, we just had to do it the old-fashioned way, one day at a time. You can die in the same place you were born, but live long enough and you'll still learn all about culture shock.”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Monsters in a Mirror: Strange Tales from the Chapel Perilous

“How is the Presidency treating you?"
"It sucks! Everyone hates me! Why does everyone hate me?"
"Because Man was bestowed with reason, and I can't circumvent free will."
"Buh?"
"Yeah, exactly.”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Monsters in a Mirror: Strange Tales from the Chapel Perilous

“I guess you could say I’ve got a monkey on my back. A monkey named Darwin.” He shrugged off the trench coat and there she was, clinging tightly to his shoulders. The hunch on his back wasn’t a hunch at all, but as fine a specimen of a female chimpanzee as I’m ever likely to see.”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Get Thee Behind Me, Santa: An Inexcusably Filthy Children's Time-Travel Farce for Adults Only