Sue Limb > Quotes

“Virgo: Your teddy bear will reveal that he is pregnant and will require counseling. ”
― Sue Limb, Girl, 15, Charming but Insane

“Jess actually dreaded having a boyfriend, because of having to tell her mum. Perhaps she would just avoid it until her mum eighty or something and in an old-people's home, and then Jess, who would by then be about fifty, would drop by and casually remark, "Oh, by the way, Mum, I've got a boyfriend." And even then her mum would probebly hurtle out of her wheelchair and smack her hard across the face, crying "You trash! You whore! Get outta my house--I mean, my room!" It was hard sometimes, being the daughter of a radical feminist who hated men. ”
― Sue Limb, Girl, 15, Charming but Insane

“Useless, idle, exploitative male chauvinist drone!”
― Sue Limb, Girl, 15, Charming but Insane

“The box room. No bigger than a coffin. It would be like being buried. Maybe she wouldn't keep her Barbies after all. She would make a huge bonfire in the back garden. She would burn her clothes. She would burn all her old toys (except for her old teddy bear Rasputin, obviously—he was more of a guru and personal trainer than a toy). She would burn her CDs and her CD player. She would burn all her makeup. She would shave all her hair off and burn that. She would wear only a pair of Oriental black pajamas. She would sleep in the box room on a small mat made out of rushes. The only item in the room would be a plain white saucer for her tears. Then they'd be sorry.”
― Sue Limb, Girl, 15, Charming but Insane

“Fred just shrugged enigmatically. 'What? Just a load of girls going to the toilet? Personally I prefer wildlife videos.”
― Sue Limb, Girl, 15, Charming but Insane

“Gran! Gran?' yelled Jess, racing upstairs. She looked everywhere. Nothing. No aged person. Only Rasputin, looking startled and disapproving. 'Where's Gran, Rasputin? For goodness' sake! Have you eaten her?' cried Jess. Rasputin looked shocked and innocent.”
― Sue Limb, Girl, 15, Charming but Insane

“Jess and Flora met in a cafe. Unfortunately, their part of town was completely lacking in style, and the only place open on Sundays was a little religious charity place that sold snacks made by poor people in Africa. 'God!' growled Jess, trying to free her teeth from a cereal bar made of tree bark, gravel, and superglue. 'Is this actually food or some kind of building material?”
― Sue Limb, Girl, 15, Charming but Insane

“Fred, Fred, Fred, I'm sick of hearing about him!' snapped Jess's mum. 'He rang the other day, and straight away you were off out to meet him. Haven't you got any dignity? Any pride? Or will you just run off out at the beck and call of any Tom, Dick, or Harry?'

'Well, I wouldn't cross the road to see Tom or Dick, but if it was Prince Harry, well, now you're talking!' she said. Granny laughed. Mum looked cross and ran her fingers through her hair in a tragic and fatigued way.”
― Sue Limb, Girl, 15, Charming but Insane

“I'm really sorry, Jess, but she's going to have to have your room.'

'My room?' exploded Jess. 'There's a perfectly good spare room upstairs!'

'Yes, but you see, darling, Granny can't manage stairs quite so easily anymore. Since Grandpa died and she had that fall, you know- well, her house is too much for her to manage on her own. [...] Granny has to be on the ground floor, love. She can use the groundfloor loo, and we'll convert the old coal shed at the back into a bathroom.'

Jess was too furious to speak. No, wait, she wasn't. 'Where am I supposed to sleep then?' she snapped. 'Out on the pavement?”
― Sue Limb, Girl, 15, Charming but Insane

“Sit down," she said. She pushed the plate across the table towards him. The smell of the lemon was very alluring. Fred sat down, stirred his coffee, and looked at the cake with a kind of distant admiration.
"Can't quite manage the cake yet," he said. "Too terrified to eat."
"Terrified?" said Jess. "Of what?"
"Well, of you, of course. As you know cowardice is the bedrock of my character. It's taken me hours to summon up the courage to come here. I even had to have a vitamin C tablet.”
― Sue Limb, Girl, Going on 17: Pants on Fire

“Jess began to wish she had worn a modest top that covered her up as far as- well, as far as her eyebrows. She wished she had at least rehearsed dancing in front of her full-length mirror before leaving home. She feared that her newly buoyant boobs might be getting rather out of hand. Bonnie especially - the left one - was beginning to feel a bit free-range, and it did seem a little drafty across her chest. Jess also began to worry that, in shaking up the soup so violently, she might somehow make it boil over.”
― Sue Limb, Girl, 15, Charming but Insane

“Geographically, Jess's backside was a mountain range. The sun rose over it -eventually. Huge birds of prey nested on its craggy heights and hunted in its shadows. It wouldn't have been so bad if Jess's bum had been balanced by a nice big bosom. Jennifer Lopez, Britney Spears, and Serena Williams were designed with this pleasing sense of balance. But geographically, Jess's boobs could not balance her bum at all. Her chest was the kind of featureless plain upon which airports are constructed.”
― Sue Limb, Girl, 15, Charming but Insane

“And for two weeks I was banged up with a Hobbit who only spoke Elvish," said Jess.”
― Sue Limb, Girl, Barely 15: Flirting for England

“Yes! Let's swim!" said Jess. "Though you must promise not to stare in dismay at my podge when you see me in my bikini!"
"And you must avert your gaze from my puny sticklike legs," said Fred. "It'll only be a matter of time before a bodybuilder comes up and kicks sand in my face.”
― Sue Limb, Girl, Nearly 16: Absolute Torture

“I swear it's true. If I lie to you, may I be changed into a sofa belonging to a fat family addicted to daytime TV and baked beans." (Fred to Jess)”
― Sue Limb, Girl, Nearly 16: Absolute Torture

“Later, just before she drifted off to sleep, Jess realized the ghastly fact that, just as she had assumed that Edouard smelt disgusting, Edouard's first impression of her would have been that she did. The only difference was that she really had. It was not the greatest start to their relationship.”
― Sue Limb, Girl, Barely 15: Flirting for England

“(Flora) "No, Jess- it'll take hours. Just go and see Mr. Powell and fess up. It's the only way. Crawl and grovel and offer to do all sorts of remedial thingies. That's what I do with my dad. And do it with captivating feminine charm. That always works on Dad. I stroke his hair. It never fails."
"I can't stroke Mr. Powell's hair, for God's sake!" A horrible hallucination flashed through Jess's mind.”
― Sue Limb, Girl, Going on 17: Pants on Fire

“Though this evening seemed somehow enchanted, Jess was terrified that, once they were alone together, her mum would rip off her smile with a horrible tearing Velcro sound. In fact, she might rip off her whole friendly face and underneath there might be a fire-breathing dragon.
This time you've really blown it! She might roar, sparks flying out of her eyes and burning small craters in the pavement. You're a treacherous, cunning, lying, horrible harlot! Mum's hair would turn into hissing snakes. Steam would come screaming out her ears and cause a sulfurous fog that would hang over Cornwall for days, ships would founder on the rocks. Trees would go black and die. Teddy bears' eyes would fall out.”
― Sue Limb, Girl, Nearly 16: Absolute Torture

“Well, to be honest Dad, I think he's a little bit like you. Sort of useless, and amusing." (Jess regarding Fred)”
― Sue Limb, Girl, Nearly 16: Absolute Torture

“Fred, shy?" Jess frowned in puzzlement.

"Lacking in confidence, I'd say, which he covers up with all this comedy stuff," suggested Luke.

Jess thought about this suggestion for a moment or two. "You know," she concluded, "ever since I dumped him, I've been waiting for him to do something amazing to get back into my good books. You know, take the initiative or something. Or even apologize properly."

"You could have a long wait," said Luke, smiling ruefully. "I think he's a passive character - he bounces off people; he reacts to situations instead of taking the initiative." ...

"I see," mused Jess. "But I kind of hate that in him, though - being so passive."

"But you don't hate Fred, do you? It's just part of his personality. And people do change sometimes. But everybody's got faults.”
― Sue Limb, Chocolate SOS

“Jess went into the loo at the far end, locked herself in, sat down, and dropped her head into her hands. She imagined the sight that must have greeted Mr. Powell when he made his unexpected return to his office.
A huge brown stain on his carpet, plus several small red ones (from the pasta). Two socks, one containing pasta and one soaked with brown liquid, lying on the floor. Two shoes, probably smelly, just kicked off anywhere.”
― Sue Limb, Girl, Going on 17: Pants on Fire

“Suddenly Fred closed his book and jumped to his feet. He pretended to be holding a microphone and facing a TV camera.
"Hostiles broke out here in the early hours following a dispute over supplies," he said in a breathless reporter's voice. "The Red Cross have asked for a cease fire at ten-thirty to bury the dead, evacuate the wounded, and so that everyone can go to the loo. This is Fred Parsons in the war zone at Walnut Farm, handing you back to the studio.”
― Sue Limb, Girl, Barely 15: Flirting for England