Maggie Scarf > Quotes

“One of the best and clearest examples of the way in which projective identification operates is seen in the totally nonaggressive and never angry individual. This person, who is uniquely devoid of anger, can become aware of angry feelings only as they exist in someone else —in the intimate partner, most predictably. When something disturbing has happened to the never angry individual, and he is experiencing angry emotions, he will be consciously out of contact with them. He will not know that he is angry, but he will be wonderfully adept at triggering an explosion of hostility and anger in his spouse.”
― Maggie Scarf, Meeting the Shadow: The Hidden Power of the Dark Side of Human Nature

“The never angry person can then identify with the intimate partner's expression of the suppressed rage without ever having to take personal responsibility for it —even in terms of being conscious of the fact that he was the angry person in the first place! And, frequently, the feelings of anger which were so firmly repudiated within the self are just as sternly criticized in the mate. The never angry individual, in a projective identification situation, is often horrified by his spouse's hot-tempered, impulsive, uncontrolled expressions and behavior!”
― Maggie Scarf, Meeting the Shadow: The Hidden Power of the Dark Side of Human Nature

“To be depressed is, very simply, to be stopped short in one’s life.”
― Maggie Scarf, Unfinished Business: Pressure Points in the Lives of Women