Dylan Callens > Quotes

“Odin, not unlike Charlie Brown, sighed, “Good grief,” then added, “Why are we going to let this, this, coward on our trip? What do you see in him that could make you want him to come along?”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“I believe that my role as King of the Asgardians…”

Loki was quick to interrupt, “You mean you are an Ass Guardian!”

Everyone laughed.

“I mean…”

“Hey, Ass Guardian, what do you make of this,” Loki showed Odin his fuzzy moon.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“They wept with joy, happy to see him alive. A smile crept across Fritz while being smothered in their affection, but all he could think about, and what he never forgot, were those mountains.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Marry me, Lou,” Nietzsche bent down on one knee, his knees creaked. He peered over top of his glasses with a gaze of pitiful defeat. He had met his match with Lou. She was brilliant, shrewd, and brave. Taking risks that other women dare not.

“Get up, Friedrich,” she responded, “You know that I won’t marry you or anyone else.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“He passed the lighter down the table until Descartes held it in one hand while setting the greasy cylinder down on the table. After smoothing it out, Descartes sparked up the lighter. With the lighter drawn near the grease, the aroma of burnt hair filled the board room.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Through the rainbow he was brave,
Although blood, he did not crave.
But Vikings, blood they should want.
Heads as trophies, they should flaunt.
But from behind, little Jimmy was run through,
A puddle of blood grew and grew.
So when Jimmy fell,
My tears they did swell.
And I cried.
And I cried.”

While there was scattered applause, most people just looked at him, confused. The poem was terrible. Heimdall knew it. The crowd knew it.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Why don't you come down that hall with me,” she asked, “Let me show you something that you probably haven't seen before.”

Nietzsche nodded again. He didn't understand what was happening but he knew that it was something he wanted. So they stood up. She led him to a room at the end of the hall by his hand.

And soon after, she gave him syphilis.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“The worst thing, however, was having to watch those Nazis use my philosophy, thanks to Elisabeth’s editing. They twisted it into something so perverse and unimaginable. Using it as part of their platform to execute genocide,” Nietzsche hung his head, shaking it at the ground, his hands clenched around the arms of the chair.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Loki shook his head in the darkness. That’s confusing, he thought, “And what is a Pennsylvania?”

“It's a large region of land. They say that this is where revolutions begin and nations are born. They say that this is a place where steel rules all and there is something called a cheese-steak sandwich that is supposed to be manna from heaven!”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Sartre gazed upon Freya's beauty, continuously reminding himself that he should not stare. Every time that he let his guard down, his eye wandered back to her cherry lips. He wanted to know if they tasted as good as they looked. He trailed down and noticed how the slight cleft in her chin served to accentuate the much deeper cleft between her breasts.

Freya detected Sartre skimming her body. She liked it. This frail little man with the crazy eye was so much different than the strong, muscular brutes that she was used to. He was a cute little oddity.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Then you know they were. But the paper work involved was insane. And then there was Moses – that kid was a talker. On and on about Egypt this and Egypt that. And then again with the laws and roaming the desert. And Job, for all of his whining, I should have been given employee of the year. But no, instead, I get reprimanded for toying with his emotions.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Mazda [Ahura] checked his phone and quickly received the message, “Neat,” he cracked a half smile, “I think I like Twitter.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Yam raised an army of sea creatures designed to march on Mount Aqraa, to destroy Baal. He created some of the craziest monstrosities every seen: lobsters rode four-legged tuna like proud cavalry, sword fish infantry marched onward in perfect step, biped whales thundered towards the mountain, while winged sharks provided air support. An elite group of electric eel assassins were armed with both their innate ability to shock in melee combat and throwing star fish for long range skirmishes.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Freud kept himself amused while waiting for God by inhaling glue that was gummed up inside a plastic bag. In mid huff, God rushed through the door, “Oh my God, you have to try this,” Freud giggled. “I'm so baked. And dizzy. Actually, I don't feel good at all.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Loki spoke, “I agree, we do need some leadership. But you’ve had your chance, Odin. I think it’s time for fresh ideas, to get things going. Some Lokimotion, so to speak.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“What’s the matter for you? You wanna see a stereotypa, suck on my Italian sausage and…”

Einstein interrupted by leaping out of his chair, hovering over Da Vinci with his eyes as wide open as possible. His long pointy tongue stuck out like a frog ready to snap at a fly.

“Oh, you wanna licka my bocce balls, do you?”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Disguised in a handlebar mustache with a ten gallon hat hanging low against his brow, Loki moseyed into Odin's party, despite the fact that he wasn't invited. Being dressed like Juan Valdez in a room full of people dawning Viking braids and pointy horned hats, however, tended to call attention to oneself. Odin's wife, Frigg, noticed Loki the moment that he stepped through the door, “What the Hel are you doing here? You weren't invited.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“So, he eagerly drove from Basel to Bayreuth before the festival began to watch the last rehearsals of The Ring Cycle. As he watched, it hit him like Odin's bowel movement: the opera was shit.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“God stared at his feet a little longer. He sighed, “Do you mean when it comes to the job itself? I don’t know. It isn’t what it used to be.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“You think one man's death forgives a world of sins? How naive can you be? My edicts require people to be good to each other. To obey the laws that I sent to Moses. Everybody breaks those laws every day. That's millions upon millions of sins every day. Why would I send my son, no matter how weak I think he was, to be killed for people who are not worthy of my respect?”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Is that a serious question? I’m God! I know things.”

“Sure. Sure,” Freud flipped to the front page of his notebook. At the top of the page scribbled the word megalomaniac, “Please, go on.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“The hatred that I harbored for Lou and Paul faded into the background. The cold, lonely mountains which once filled my mouth and mind with the madness of Zarathustra shifted into a lithium passivity. Even Wagner was nothing more than a jester for some cathartic writing, allowing me to purge the bales of contempt that I had for the man.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“We should have smashed through the door long ago,” grunted Thor. Everyone had always thought of Thor as Lennie from Of Mice and Men: too big and too slow. The chief difference being that while Lenny accidentally hugged little animals to death, Thor had a penchant for beating the shit out of them with his war hammer, Mjolnir.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Nietzsche felt like Rommel, hiding behind The Cauldron at Gazala – waiting and biding his time while his enemies took their shots, holding his position. The impenetrable defense took down tank after tank until the enemy couldn’t fight any more. Then, a quick attack was mounted and Rommel took Torbuk in a single day. He chased the British to Egypt. That’s where Nietzsche was right now, mounting his offensive, ready to chase both God and the Norse. Oh, how he wanted vengeance on both fronts.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Mazda paid little attention to Sartre.

“What's the matter? Afraid that you'll lose to a man? A mere mortal?”

This caught Mazda's attention.

“If you don't come and get me, I'll tell everyone that I beat a god. A giant pussy of a god.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Bullshit!” Thor shouted at the stage, causing the actor playing Estelle to look at the audience. Thor added, “Just leave. Be done with this nightmare of a play! Goddamn cowards!”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Sartre snickered. “Are you trying to make love to that thing, or put gas in it?” He stepped out of the car and flipped the heavy metallic switch, causing the machine to vibrate to life. Odin grunted a thank you as he squeezed the handle, “This liquid stinks.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Wagner cleared his throat once again, then pounded a few chords on the piano. But something unexpected happened when he started to sing. He sounded like Kermit the Frog being run over.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“(clearing throat) I, Osiris, Egyptian God of the Dead, would like to write this formal complaint against all the gods that have repeatedly stolen my wooden penis and placed it in various locations around the building. Most recently, I had discovered my penis inside of Ishtar's ass and I'm none too happy about it. No one should have to endure the kind of humiliation that I did. I would like to see immediate disciplinary action.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“The Heaven Inc. Board of Directors, whom one has to thank for the origin of most mainstream religion, are also the ones responsible for ending any god’s career. Nietzsche knew that as the CEO, he could influence the outcome of world religion but he needed to come up with something big. Something inspirational. Something with pizazz. Something that would fire up the imagination of the other members. The board was newly elected. They were shy, passive, reflexive, and thoroughly stupid”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot