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“When you left I walked
into the ocean. Not to
drown but to be held
by something
reluctant
to let go. Don’t
make this bigger
than it is, which is big
enough to swallow
whales
and civilizations.
I joined
the blue, I was blue.
And when I looked
down, I shattered
and reformed
so many times, you know, I couldn’t catch
a clear look at myself.”
―
into the ocean. Not to
drown but to be held
by something
reluctant
to let go. Don’t
make this bigger
than it is, which is big
enough to swallow
whales
and civilizations.
I joined
the blue, I was blue.
And when I looked
down, I shattered
and reformed
so many times, you know, I couldn’t catch
a clear look at myself.”
―
“Muslim Girlhood
I never found myself in a pink aisle.
There was no box for me
with glossy cellophane like heat
and a neat packet of instructions in six languages.
Evenings, I watched TV like a religion I moderately believed.
I watched to see how the others lived, not knowing I was the other - no laugh track in my living room, no tidy and punctual resolution waiting.
I took tests in which Jane & William had so many apples.
I fasted through birthday parties
and Christmas parties
and ate leftover tajine at plastic lunch tables,
picked at pepperoni from slices like blemishes and tried not to complain.
I prayed at the wrong times in the wrong tongue.
I hungered for Jell-O & Starburts & margarine;
could read mono- and diglycerides by five,
knew what gelatin meant, and
where it came from.”
―
I never found myself in a pink aisle.
There was no box for me
with glossy cellophane like heat
and a neat packet of instructions in six languages.
Evenings, I watched TV like a religion I moderately believed.
I watched to see how the others lived, not knowing I was the other - no laugh track in my living room, no tidy and punctual resolution waiting.
I took tests in which Jane & William had so many apples.
I fasted through birthday parties
and Christmas parties
and ate leftover tajine at plastic lunch tables,
picked at pepperoni from slices like blemishes and tried not to complain.
I prayed at the wrong times in the wrong tongue.
I hungered for Jell-O & Starburts & margarine;
could read mono- and diglycerides by five,
knew what gelatin meant, and
where it came from.”
―
“You will go to the grave
and it will be an ordinary hole, it will terrify you.”
―
and it will be an ordinary hole, it will terrify you.”
―
“You will say Show me
the body, and they will not show you the body.
You will wear the only black clothes you own
and they will collect what you forgot
drifts daily around you: motes of pale
dust, the day’s heat, a strand of her hair.
You will not touch the mug left on the side table,
ruby seal of her lips’ whorls and creases, the wet ring
beneath it a zero, a gaping mouth. You will go to the grave
and it will be an ordinary hole, it will terrify you.
You will not sleep, or you will sleep
beyond waking so it resembles a minor death. You will forget
it is Tuesday, Wednesday, and one day walking
from one room to another, you will realize
a week has passed since last her breath
shook loose. This will destroy you
in that it has not destroyed you.”
―
the body, and they will not show you the body.
You will wear the only black clothes you own
and they will collect what you forgot
drifts daily around you: motes of pale
dust, the day’s heat, a strand of her hair.
You will not touch the mug left on the side table,
ruby seal of her lips’ whorls and creases, the wet ring
beneath it a zero, a gaping mouth. You will go to the grave
and it will be an ordinary hole, it will terrify you.
You will not sleep, or you will sleep
beyond waking so it resembles a minor death. You will forget
it is Tuesday, Wednesday, and one day walking
from one room to another, you will realize
a week has passed since last her breath
shook loose. This will destroy you
in that it has not destroyed you.”
―
“I wouldn’t kill anyone for love,
not even myself—most days
I can barely get out of bed. So I make tea.
I stand at the window while I wait.
My feet are cold and the radio plays its little sounds.
I do the small thing I know how to do
to care for myself. I am trying to notice joy,
which means survive. I do this all day, and then the next.”
―
not even myself—most days
I can barely get out of bed. So I make tea.
I stand at the window while I wait.
My feet are cold and the radio plays its little sounds.
I do the small thing I know how to do
to care for myself. I am trying to notice joy,
which means survive. I do this all day, and then the next.”
―
