Kathy Obear > Quotes

“When a white woman starts to cry, I ask her to take some deep breaths as I invite the group to let her experience her feelings and not try to take care of her or rescue her in the moment. I clearly state that this person can easily be in her feelings and continue engaging and doesn’t need to be comforted or saved by anyone. I then refocus my attention onto the white woman and say how I really respect people who can express their emotions and talk through their tears. I then ask if she is ready to share her reactions to the feedback. In the vast majority of situations, white women are able to continue engaging effectively, and group members realize a number of things, including: people can cry and talk at the same time; jumping in to support someone may be more about trying to avoid our own feelings of discomfort; interrupting the learning moment by handing out Kleenex, rubbing someone’s back or challenging the person of color’s comments may deny the white woman a potentially important growth opportunity; and the entire group may benefit from fully experiencing and processing this emotional moment.”
― Kathy Obear, ... But I'm NOT Racist!: Tools for Well-Meaning Whites

“If you have come here to help me, you are wasting your time. But if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together.” - Lilla Watson”
― Kathy Obear, ... But I'm NOT Racist!: Tools for Well-Meaning Whites

“Research consistently shows that we are more likely to experience violence and crime from people of our own racial background. Yet despite clear data, whites continue to fear people of color and trust whites.”
― Kathy Obear, ... But I'm NOT Racist!: Tools for Well-Meaning Whites

“We can also use The Cycle as we anticipate how we may feel triggered in future situations. We can imagine how we might typically react unproductively and then visualize and practice more useful responses”
― Kathy Obear, Turn the Tide: Rise Above Toxic, Difficult Situations in the Workplace

“The young child asked, “Which one will win the fight?” And the grandfather replied, “Whichever one you feed.” If we replay and obsess about negative thoughts and criticisms, we will strengthen them, and they will win.”
― Kathy Obear, Turn the Tide: Rise Above Toxic, Difficult Situations in the Workplace

“The ability to observe without evaluation is the highest form of intelligence.” ~ Jiddu Krishnamurti”
― Kathy Obear, Turn the Tide: Rise Above Toxic, Difficult Situations in the Workplace

“Unfortunately, once we have reacted, there is no way to undo our impact.”
― Kathy Obear, Turn the Tide: Rise Above Toxic, Difficult Situations in the Workplace

“We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.” ~ Carlos Castaneda”
― Kathy Obear, Turn the Tide: Rise Above Toxic, Difficult Situations in the Workplace

“If she had, instead, assumed that her colleague was being curious, possibly wanting to know what he needed to do to be selected for similar roles in the future, then she may have felt willing to mention the 2 previous projects she had co-facilitated and how her research was related to the focus on this team’s goals.”
― Kathy Obear, Turn the Tide: Rise Above Toxic, Difficult Situations in the Workplace

“However, in my experience, it takes significant skill to be grounded enough to intentionally choose effective responses. And one of the biggest obstacles is that we rarely realize we are reacting impulsively, much less recognize the impact we are having on others.”
― Kathy Obear, Turn the Tide: Rise Above Toxic, Difficult Situations in the Workplace

“I look in the mirror through the eyes of the child that was me.” ~ Judy Collins”
― Kathy Obear, Turn the Tide: Rise Above Toxic, Difficult Situations in the Workplace

“Just like an athlete improves their performance by visualizing success, we can anticipate potential triggers and practice effective responses. In your journal, write about the following: What is a situation in the near future in which you anticipate you could feel triggered? Write out the common unproductive intentions you have thought in similar situations.”
― Kathy Obear, Turn the Tide: Rise Above Toxic, Difficult Situations in the Workplace

“Keep a list in your journal of all the ways you have responded productively in difficult situations, as well as the impact your response had on others. You may want to review this list before meetings or conversations you anticipate may become challenging.”
― Kathy Obear, Turn the Tide: Rise Above Toxic, Difficult Situations in the Workplace

“We “create our own reality” by how we choose to make meaning and interpret situations we encounter. Our story creates our feelings, the physiological “warning signs” that we are triggered, and our thoughts about ourselves and others. We are usually unaware of why we created this interpretation and we rarely question its validity or explore the intrapersonal roots that fueled our meaning making. We accept our story as “fact” and are often unaware of how it results in triggered emotions and unconscious reactions.”
― Kathy Obear, Turn the Tide: Rise Above Toxic, Difficult Situations in the Workplace

“my mentor and co-teacher lovingly gave me some feedback and told me that my content was useful but the way I engaged the participants interfered with their learning.”
― Kathy Obear, Turn the Tide: Rise Above Toxic, Difficult Situations in the Workplace

“Holding On, Letting Go,” that was offered through the National Training Laboratory (NTL).”
― Kathy Obear, Turn the Tide: Rise Above Toxic, Difficult Situations in the Workplace

“When our feelings are extremely high, we probably shouldn’t trust our initial perceptions or thoughts. If we have an intense, disproportionate reaction, it is more likely that our response is fueled by cumulative impact or retriggered issues from our past. Any impulsive reaction will usually escalate the difficulty of the situation.”
― Kathy Obear, Turn the Tide: Rise Above Toxic, Difficult Situations in the Workplace

“To create new positive tracks, add this practice to your morning routine: Imagine 3-4 activities you have planned for the day State aloud your positive intentions for each one or write them in your journal Repeat these intentions a few minutes before you start each of these activities”
― Kathy Obear, Turn the Tide: Rise Above Toxic, Difficult Situations in the Workplace

“While I may not appreciate someone’s actions in the moment, it is useful to try to understand and relate to the possible underlying reasons for them. When I shift my focus away from my negative thoughts to think about the reasonable intent and unmet needs of the people whose behavior is the source of my trigger, I am more likely to feel greater empathy and enough distance to de-escalate my emotions to a level from which I can choose a productive response.”
― Kathy Obear, Turn the Tide: Rise Above Toxic, Difficult Situations in the Workplace

“What happened? What were you feeling and thinking? On the -10 to +10 Scale, how intense were your emotions? How did you react? (fight, flight, freeze) What was the impact of your reaction on others? On yourself? On the group’s goals?”
― Kathy Obear, Turn the Tide: Rise Above Toxic, Difficult Situations in the Workplace

“Whenever you are about to find fault with someone, ask yourself the following question: What fault of mine most nearly resembles the one I am about to criticize?” ~ Marcus Aurelius, Meditations”
― Kathy Obear, Turn the Tide: Rise Above Toxic, Difficult Situations in the Workplace