Janet Geringer Woititz > Quotes

“You probably had fantasies about leaving home, about running away, about having it over with, about your alcoholic parent becoming sober and life being fine and beautiful. You began to live in a fairy-tale world, with fantasy and in dreams. You lived a lot on hope, because you didn’t want to believe what was happening. You knew that you couldn’t talk about it with your friends or adults outside your family. Because you believed you had to keep these feelings to yourself, you learned to keep most of your other feelings to yourself. You couldn’t let the rest of the world know what was going on in your home. Who would believe you, anyway?”
― Janet Geringer Woititz, Adult Children of Alcoholics: Expanded Edition

“You are not responsible for everything that doesn’t work out and everything that does work out is not a matter of coincidence.”
― Janet Geringer Woititz, Adult Children of Alcoholics: Expanded Edition

“10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people. 11. Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible. 12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved. 13. Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.”
― Janet Geringer Woititz, Adult Children of Alcoholics: Expanded Edition

“Adult Children of Alcoholics was largely based on the premise that for the ACoA there is a lack of data base: ACoAs do not learn what other children learn in the process of growing up. Although they do wonderfully well in crisis, they do not learn the day-to-day process of “doing life.”
― Janet Geringer Woititz, Adult Children of Alcoholics: Expanded Edition

“3. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. 4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy. 5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun. 6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously. 7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships. 8. Adult children of alcoholics over-react to changes over which they have no control.”
― Janet Geringer Woititz, Adult Children of Alcoholics: Expanded Edition

“Here is the kind of thought pattern that runs through the mind of the child in the alcoholic family system: “If I feel guilty, then I am responsible. And if I am responsible, then I can do something to fix it, to change it, to make it different.” Giving up your guilt also means giving up your sense that you have control over the situation. And, of course, loss of control is a disaster. You have grown up to be the perfect doormat for an inconsiderate person. Often you end up in a perfect give-and-take relationship . . . you give, they take.”
― Janet Woititz, Struggle for Intimacy

“1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is. 2. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.”
― Janet Geringer Woititz, Adult Children of Alcoholics: Expanded Edition

“9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval”
― Janet Geringer Woititz, Adult Children of Alcoholics: Expanded Edition

“Coopersmith’s study with adolescent boys indicates that children develop self-trust, adventuresomeness and the ability to deal with adversity if they are treated with respect and are provided with well-defined standards of values, demands for competence and guidance toward solutions of problems. The development of individual self-reliance is fostered by a well-structured, demanding environment, rather than by largely unlimited permissiveness and freedom to explore in an unfocused way. The research of both Stanley Coopersmith and Morris Rosenberg has led them to believe that pupils with high self-esteem perceive themselves as successful. They are relatively free of anxiety and psychosomatic symptoms, and can realistically assess their abilities. They are confident that their efforts will meet with success, while being fully aware of their limitations. Persons with high self-esteem are outgoing and socially successful and expect to be well received. They accept others and others tend to accept them. On the other hand, according to Coopersmith and Rosenberg, pupils with low self-esteem are easily discouraged and sometimes depressed. They feel isolated, unloved and unlovable. They seem incapable of expressing themselves or defending their inadequacies. They are so preoccupied with their self-consciousness and anxiety that their capacity for self-fulfillment can be easily destroyed.4”
― Janet Geringer Woititz, Adult Children of Alcoholics: Expanded Edition

“Validation does not mean agreement. It means respect for similarities and differences. It is the cornerstone of good, solid communication. Without validation, communication is merely a power play.”
― Janet Woititz, Struggle for Intimacy

“Există o limită până la care un om poate oferi, fără să primească niciodată, nimic în schimb.”
― Janet Geringer Woititz, The Intimacy Struggle: Revised and Expanded for All Adults

“The family is affected when the relatives and friends can no longer tolerate the consequences of alcoholism and avoid the alcoholic and his/her family. The family is also directly affected by the alcoholic’s behavior. Unable, without help, to counteract this, the family members get caught up in the consequences of the illness and become emotionally ill themselves.”
― Janet Geringer Woititz, Adult Children of Alcoholics: Expanded Edition

“You may feel overwhelmingly guilty because you have been so ineffectual in your intimate relationships. Even if you learn nothing else from reading this book, please accept, right now, that you are not to blame for the pain you have suffered—and inflicted—to this point. You didn’t have an effective role model for loving relationships. You have had to make it all up. What you did know is that you didn’t want to be like your parents, but you didn’t know how to filter the destructive actions from the good actions. So you created a fantasy about how ideal relationships work from a fanciful blend of what you imagined, saw at a distance or observed on TV.”
― Janet Geringer Woititz, Struggle for Intimacy

“Since self-esteem is based most importantly on the amount of respectful, accepting and concerned treatment from significant others, it is logical to assume that the inconsistency of the presence of these conditions in an alcoholic home would negatively influence one’s ability to feel good about him or herself. Interestingly enough, a variable such as the age of the subject was insignificant as a determinant of self-esteem.6”
― Janet Geringer Woititz, Adult Children of Alcoholics: Expanded Edition

“Fear of Abandonment Fear of abandonment is very strong in COAs and differs from the fear of rejection. Adult Children of Alcoholics seem to be able to handle rejection and adjust to it. Fear of abandonment, however, cuts a lot deeper because of childhood experiences. The child who experiences living with alcoholism grows into an individual with a weak and very inconsistent sense of self, as we have already discussed. This is a very, very critical self which has not had the nurturance it needed. It is a hungry self and, in many ways, a very insecure self.”
― Janet Woititz, Struggle for Intimacy

“If the child of the alcoholic, not unlike the alcoholic, is ever to mature, there must be accountability. Part of having a strong sense of self is to be accountable for one’s actions. No matter how much we explore motives or lack of motives, we are what we do. We take credit for the good and we must take credit for the bad. The key is to take responsibility for all of our behavior.”
― Janet Geringer Woititz, Adult Children of Alcoholics: Expanded Edition

“Once you have become good at being a compliment detective, it’s time to share some of your feelings with others. The following three-step formula will make it easy: (1) Be specific. (2) Say the person’s name. (3) Follow up with a question.”
― Janet Geringer Woititz, Lifeskills for Adult Children

“You didn’t have an effective role model for loving relationships. You have had to make it all up. What you did know is that you didn’t want to be like your parents, but you didn’t know how to filter the destructive actions from the good actions. So you created a fantasy about how ideal relationships work from a fanciful blend of what you imagined, saw at a distance or observed on TV.”
― Janet Woititz, Struggle for Intimacy

“Anger Adult Children of Alcoholics believe that in an ideal relationship there will be no conflict and no anger. Although they recognize intellectually that this is impossible, emotionally this is what they want. Anger is very complicated and very much misunderstood by them. Historically, anger needed to be repressed. Children growing up with alcoholism live in a very angry climate, where it is never resolved. Expressing anger is never useful and only tends to make life worse. It never did anyone any good.”
― Janet Woititz, Struggle for Intimacy

“Nothing worth doing is worth doing in moderation.”
― Janet Geringer Woititz, Adult Children of Alcoholics: Expanded Edition

“Everything is going wrong with my relationship. I know that it’s all my fault. I try everything I know to fix it, but it doesn’t work. I’m not even sure if I love him/her. Maybe I don’t know what love is. I’m so confused.” Sound familiar? It should. It is almost verbatim the story I hear when an Adult Child of an Alcoholic enters therapy because an intimate relationship is souring.”
― Janet Woititz, Struggle for Intimacy

“Third, COAs’ greatest difficulties are in the area of their relationship with themselves. Their greatest difficulty is the lack of ability to experience themselves as valuable and worthy and lovable. Their greatest assets are a capability of offering you the sense that you are valuable and worthy and lovable. There is much to be gained from being involved with a COA.”
― Janet Woititz, Struggle for Intimacy

“behaviorally in different ways, children of alcoholics seem to have in common a low self-esteem. This is not surprising, since the literature indicates that the conditions which lead an individual to value himself and to regard himself as a person of worth can be briefly summarized by the terms “Parental warmth,” “clearly defined limits” and “respectful treatment.”
― Janet Geringer Woititz, Adult Children of Alcoholics: Expanded Edition

“The family system affected by alcoholism is dysfunctional. Dysfunctional family systems have dysfunctional relationships. Your behavior is based upon what you learned as a child, but you don’t want it for yourself. Knowing what you don’t want does not mean you know what you do want. You need to learn what a healthy relationship is. You need to learn how to achieve one. You need to change habits that do not work. Struggle is inevitable. Mistakes are inevitable. Discouragement is inevitable. However, so is—sharing, loving, enhancement, joy, excitement, companionship, understanding, cooperation, trusting, growth, security and serenity. The choice and the challenge are yours.”
― Janet Geringer Woititz, Struggle for Intimacy

“Since self-esteem is based most importantly on the amount of respectful, accepting and concerned treatment from significant others, it is logical to assume that the inconsistency of the presence of these conditions in an alcoholic home would negatively influence one’s ability to feel good about him or herself.”
― Janet Geringer Woititz, Adult Children of Alcoholics: Expanded Edition

“Adult Children of Alcoholics tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over the environment.As a result, much energy is spent cleaning up the mess. Your impulsivity is one of your biggest enemies. If you feel compelled to make a phone call, fly to Europe, get married, end a relationship—put it off for a while. Call in an hour, decide on the European trip tomorrow, wait until the middle of the week to get engaged or to end a relationship. Once you have bought the time, force yourself to consider the alternatives and the consequences. If you cannot do that by yourself, find someone who can help you. Once you have considered the variables, you can make a reasonable decision (which may or may not be the one you had made impulsively). This is the only way you will be fully responsible for your actions. Later on, if things don’t work out well, you won’t say “if only.” If things do work out well, you will know it was not the result of fate, luck or chance, but of your own reasoning ability.”
― Janet Geringer Woititz, Struggle for Intimacy

“First, you were set up for the situation in which you now find yourself. You never had a chance to “do it right” because you’ve never experienced what “doing it right” looked like, or felt like. It hasn’t been your fault if you have always felt that other people knew some secrets about successful relationships that you didn’t know.”
― Janet Geringer Woititz, Struggle for Intimacy

“într-un cămin disfuncțional nevoile copilului nu sunt satisfăcute neapărat integral, ci mai degrabă parțial și ocazional. De aici, copilul învață că oamenii în care a avut încredere îl vor răni și, deci, încrederea e nepotrivită. Ca rezultat, copilul învață cum să aibă singur grijă de el. Pentru a supraviețui, cel mic se obișnuiește să nu mai aibă încredere - fiindcă se poate baza numai pe el însuși. Dacă cineva merită încredere, asta e mai degrabă o excepție și nu o regulă. Când speră la ceva bun, se alege adesea cu frustrare și dezamăgire. "Nu te încrede în alții" e ceva ce copilul învață foarte devreme în viață. În orice caz, rezultatul e contrar naturii umane cu care se naște copilul. E un răspuns de adaptare la o situație de inadaptare.”
― Janet Geringer Woititz, The Intimacy Struggle: Revised and Expanded for All Adults

“Copiii care provin din familii disfuncționale își închipuie că, într-o relație ideală, nu există conflicte și nici mânie. Deși, rațional, ei își dau seama că așa ceva este imposibil, totuși, emoțional, asta își doresc. Mânia este pentru ei o emoție foarte complicată și în mare măsură neînțeleasă. Vorbind din perspectiva trecutului personal, mânia lor a trebuit reprimată. Copiii care cresc într-un mediu conflictual respiră permanent o atmosferă foarte încordată, iar mânia lor nu este niciodată vindecată. Au văzut că exprimarea furiei nu le-a fost niciodată de folos, ba chiar le-a făcut viața mai neagră. Furia nu i-a adus nimănui, niciodată vreun beneficiu.
În consecință, dacă ești un copil care se dezvoltă într-un ambient plin de furie, înveți cum să nu mai fii furios. În loc de asta, raționalizezi, îți explici orice situație până când reușești să o faci acceptabilă și, în cele din urmă, ajungi depresiv...
Cuvintele cu care obișnuiești să-ți descrii depresia amintesc însă de furie. Și, de vreme ce ți-ai reprimat-o îndelung, singurele ocazii în care iese la lumină sunt cele în care nu mai ești în stare să o ții sub control și ea se transformă în turbare. Furia dezlănțuită cu mare intensitate e înfricoșătoare chiar și pentru tine, fiindcă nu știi de ce-ai putea fi în stare în acele momente. Asta, din cauză că nu ai nici un fel de experiență în a-ți exprima supărarea.”
― Janet Geringer Woititz, The Intimacy Struggle: Revised and Expanded for All Adults

“This section of the book contains the how-to of unhooking from the past and living in the present, all the while being mindful of the future.”
― Janet Geringer Woititz, Self-Sabotage Syndrome: Adult Children in the Workplace