Timothy Sexton > Quotes

“Were Trump born a woman he would never even have come close to earning the respect even of the idiots who respect him. The world rewards morons if the damage to their penis does not outweigh the damage to their brains.”
― Timothy Sexton, Misogyny in Mayberry: How Television’s Folksiest Town Warned of the MAGAts Among Us

“And who are these guys that run this Haunted Hayride? This amusement park of pure evil.
Just exactly what are they getting out of it?
I think maybe you should ask yourself that very question the next time you go to a haunted house or a haunted hayride or even a scary attraction at a theme park.
What do the people who get so much enjoyment out of scaring you to death get out of it?
But be careful if you ask yourself that question.
Be very careful.
Because the answer might not be what you want to hear.”
― Timothy Sexton, Haunted Halloween Hayride

“SCOTT JEFFERS: My imaginary friend has multiple personalities and one of them thinks he’s me. Obviously, this shouldn’t be a problem. And it wouldn’t be for most people. But it’s starting to get out of hand. The delusion is becoming unbearable. Yes, I know. It does sound crazy. But it’s not. I just need to find a way to get him cured of his multiple personality disorder. Or, well, at least that one. The one that thinks he’s me.”
― Timothy Sexton, MY IMAGINARY FRIEND HAS MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES AND ONE OF THEM THINKS HE’S ME

“Jessica's head is in Feather's lap. She is stroking her long blonde locks that look stunning as always. Her legs are bent at the knees, and she is still wearing her T-shirt and shorts from P.E. On the television Rory Calhoun is playing a malarial big game hunter who has set his rifle's target on a skinny castaway in a red shirt. Jessica has tried to introduce Feather to the joys of the Flashback Channel, but it doesn't seem to be sticking.”
― Timothy Sexton, Triggered: The Story of a School Shooting

“I am the thing Jessica has prayed for every single night of her life since she was in first fucking grade! I am the devil that petrifies monsters like you. I am the beast from your worst nightmares, the one who derives her greatest pleasure—honest to god delight—from inflicting pain on those who can—but don't—keep the monsters away!”
― Timothy Sexton, Triggered: The Story of a School Shooting

“If Andy were ever to actually hire a competent deputy, it would put his own unfitness for the job of Sheriff in stark relief. Andy is too lazy to even fix his pant leg when it gets caught in in his boot. He’s too lazy to button his shirt and wear a tie. He’s too lazy to do proper filing and record keeping. And he’s too lazy to apply the law equally. He will drive all the way to Raleigh to humiliate the publisher who failed to pay his fine but does nothing to Rafe Hollister who fires bullets at not just him, but other people with him. He is a stupendously bad lawman who needs Barney to make himself look halfway competent.”
― Timothy Sexton, Misogyny in Mayberry

“Feather was beautiful like a single example of her nicknamesake floating on a current through the sky. In the sense that she was a beautiful sight to behold from a distance that became increasingly less so the closer you got.”
― Timothy Sexton, Triggered: The Story of a School Shooting

“Active shooter NO drill Student? dk-pr. LUV-u pray4me Louder now.”
― Timothy Sexton, Triggered: The Story of a School Shooting

“Yes, I'm familiar with the bookcases in your bedroom. I don't remember seeing any pornography."

Feather just stares for a moment. "That's because I don't read pornography...unless Twilight counts."

"Which it does. In the sense that it appeals to—"

"I get it. Do you think that Pattinson guy is cute?"

Jessica stares.

"What?"

"Twilight you've seen? But not Ginger Snaps. You are such an idiot. And the answer is no. But Kristin Stewart is pretty hot in a movie about Lizzie Borden that I know you've never seen if you missed Ginger.”
― Timothy Sexton, Triggered: The Story of a School Shooting

“SCOTTIE JEFFERS: Okay. Everything he said is a complete lie. I’m not the imaginary one. He is. He’s one of my imaginary friend’s multiple identities. Not the other way around. I don’t know what I’m going to do about this. People look at me like I’m insane when I tell them this. Which, I guess, I understand. It does sound insane, I suppose. Well, I mean, no supposing. It does sound like absolute lunacy. But only if you don’t know me.”
― Timothy Sexton, MY IMAGINARY FRIEND HAS MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES AND ONE OF THEM THINKS HE’S ME