Colin Jost > Quotes

“We have to remember that progress isn’t just a straight line upwards, O.K.?
It’s a weird roller coaster where sometimes you’re screaming for joy, and other times you’re barfing in your own face.”
― Colin Jost

“What I realized was: I might never have this chance again. In fact, I almost certainly would never have this chance again. Did I really want to look back and think: I could have done more, but I was afraid people would think I was lame for trying too hard?

I decided to try really hard.”
― Colin Jost, A Very Punchable Face

“I’m a creature driven by a combination of guilt and FOMO, which often overrides any sense of self-preservation.”
― Colin Jost, A Very Punchable Face

“The truth is, I've always had a chip on my shoulder about my hometown. But it stems from a deep insecurity that I don't really belong anywhere.”
― Colin Jost, A Very Punchable Face

“Lorne always says, 'You never want to be the smartest person in the room,' because you always want to challenge yourself and try to get to the level of the people you admire.”
― Colin Jost, A Very Punchable Face

“Super religious people are basically saying, “You have to see Jesus! Otherwise you’ll never get to heaven!” And I keep thinking, Yeah... but I don’t want to go to heaven if you’re gonna be there...”
― Colin Jost, A Very Punchable Face

“That’s two lessons I learned very quickly: (1) You don’t need to do anything in life—if it feels wrong or unnatural, it probably is. And (2) I had no one but myself to blame for not trusting my own instincts and pushing back when I felt something was wrong.”
― Colin Jost, A Very Punchable Face

“Average, of course, is so much better than below average. But when you meet people who are extraordinary, average feels humiliating. I wish it didn’t, but it does.”
― Colin Jost, A Very Punchable Face

“That’s what Harvard was like: thinking you’re pretty good at something, then meeting someone who is really good or even one of the best in the world. And that doesn’t mean they get good grades. A lot of the most famous alumni left without graduating because their work became more important than school. People like Bill Gates, Matt Damon, and Mark Zuckerberg. And you know who did graduate? The Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski. The point is: Never graduate from Harvard.”
― Colin Jost, A Very Punchable Face

“You need to say what you’re thinking a lot more and not be afraid of being judged or being inarticulate or offensive or boring.”
― Colin Jost, A Very Punchable Face

“I took all the criticism to heart, and I was really really sad for about two full years of my life. I felt like I sucked at the thing I most wanted to do in the world, and that is not a pleasant feeling. I also started feeling like I was a bad person because some people viscerally hated me so much, which is such a dumb, irrational mindset, but I couldn’t help it. I actually thought about quitting many times. I thought, “Shit, I’m trying my best, and people really don’t like me. Maybe I should just quit so that everyone on earth can celebrate.” Then I got angry and thought, “Fuck you, dickheads. You didn’t work all your life to achieve this, I did. And I’m gonna do it, and do it my way, until someone pulls me off this desk.”
― Colin Jost, A Very Punchable Face

“The religious kids were really religious, the kind who push religion on others in a way that always freaks me out. They are like people who keep telling me, 'You have to see Hamilton!' Honestly, no I don't and the more you keep telling me, the less likely I am to actually see it. Though I have subsequently seen, "Hamilton" and it's excellent.”
― Colin Jost, A Very Punchable Face

“I now hate the phrase ‘That will work.’ It’s such a mediocre goal to set for yourself.”
― Colin Jost, A Very Punchable Face

“In fairness, my mother suffers from Giant Irish Family Syndrome, where she can’t even remember her own children’s names without cycling through multiple cousins first. “Hey…Sean, I mean Patrick, I mean Colin!” It could be worse. She often gets to the dog’s name before my brother, Casey.”
― Colin Jost, A Very Punchable Face

“When President Howard Taft was campaigning for office, someone threw a cabbage at him, and he quipped, "I see one of my adversaries has lost his head." BAM! You just got Taft-ed. Take a seat cabbage head.”
― Colin Jost, A Very Punchable Face

“When you go to auditions and you fail to prepare, prepare to fail.'

-Paula Abdul”
― Colin Jost, A Very Punchable Face

“We do survive every moment, after all, except the last one.” —JOHN UPDIKE”
― Colin Jost, A Very Punchable Face

“As Lorne says, 'Careers are made by choices.”
― Colin Jost, A Very Punchable Face

“Tiger Woods said that he’s always nervous before a big tournament because if you’re not nervous, it means you don’t care. I’m still at least a little nervous before every set I do, even a ten-minute spot at a bar downtown for twenty-five people and zero money. Because I care very deeply about doing a set I’m proud of and that I stand behind.”
― Colin Jost, A Very Punchable Face

“But even though I loved being in water, I never enjoyed swim meets. It always seemed like they were imposing structure and stress on something that should have been freeing and fun. For example, going down a slide is awesome. But if you had to show up every day for slide practice at 7 A.M. and then compete against your best friend in slide competitions, while grown-ups screamed at you to slide better, until your friend won and you cried, slides would seem a lot less awesome. And yes, I cried after the 1994 breaststroke finals when the official said I lost even though technically I had a faster time. And yes, I was beaten by Steve Deppe. And yes, I just googled Steve Deppe and discovered he now runs a successful wealth management business in San Diego. And yes, his online corporate profile says, “As a former athlete, Steve continues to exercise daily, whether it’s lifting weights, running, swimming, or playing sports.” And yes, the fourth example he gave of “exercise” was “sports.” And yes, I just went out and bought goggles and a Speedo and went down to my local pool and didn’t leave until I “just went out and bought goggles and a Speedo and went down to my local pool and didn’t leave until I swam a hundred laps, hoping that would be more laps than Steve Deppe swam today. BUT REALLY, WHO EVEN CARES ANYMORE, RIGHT??? NOT ME!!! IT’S NOT A COMPETITION, EVEN THOUGH I’M NOT EVEN MARRIED YET AND STEVE IS ALREADY “THE PROUD FATHER OF HIS DAUGHTER, CAMRYN.” PLUS, HE’S “AN AVID SPORTS FAN, WHO NEVER MISSES HIS FAVORITE TV SHOW, SPORTSCENTER.” WE GET IT STEVE, YOU FUCKING LOVE SPORTS!”

Anyway.”
― Colin Jost, A Very Punchable Face

“Eventually, I trained myself not to speak that way because I didn’t want people to single me out. I wanted to fit in other places, not just where I grew up. That’s why I now sound like an Ohio weatherman—neutral, friendly, and almost fully recovered after escaping that cult.”
― Colin Jost, A Very Punchable Face

“No one in comedy (or any field, really) succeeds in a vacuum. And the faster you find friends who challenge you and sometimes make you jealous, the faster you’ll grow as a comedian (and regress as a human).”
― Colin Jost, A Very Punchable Face

“To this day I’m always more productive while traveling because I know the journey itself is getting me somewhere, and that frees my mind to be more creative. There’s a reason it took an American to invent the rocking chair—because even when we’re sitting still, we like to feel like we’re in motion.”
― Colin Jost, A Very Punchable Face

“We need illusions in order to dream. And then we need to discard illusions in order to grow.” —LINDSEY BUCKINGHAM”
― Colin Jost, A Very Punchable Face

“And the faster you find friends who challenge you and sometimes make you jealous, the faster you'll grow as a comedian.”
― Colin Jost, A Very Punchable Face

“Speech and Debate is a sport, okay?”
― Colin Jost, A Very Punchable Face

“So if you’re like me and you’re not always sure how to feel about your hometown, remember what Method Man once said: “I’m in between homes right now, but my last house was dope.”
― Colin Jost, A Very Punchable Face

“Eventually, all our graves go unattended.” —CONAN O’BRIEN”
― Colin Jost, A Very Punchable Face

“Che got me to think about Update in a different way. He taught me that if you try to do something you love and something someone else wants you to do, the both suffer, and the thing you love might disappear entirely.”
― Colin Jost, A Very Punchable Face

“Instead I spent the summer touring and doing stand-up, and I decided that whatever happened with Update, I wanted to get better as a performer. I didn’t know how, exactly, outside of getting onstage every night, so I started meeting with an acting coach. This was something I hesitated about doing for a long time because I was embarrassed. Isn’t that dumb? I was embarrassed about getting help. And I was embarrassed about trying. I was scared to put myself out there and commit to getting better, because if I committed and failed then I would have no one to blame but myself. (This probably described my approach to all my relationships up to that point, too.) What I realized was: I might never have this chance again. In fact, I almost certainly would never have this chance again. Did I really want to look back and think: I could have done more, but I was afraid people would think I was lame for trying too hard? I decided to try really hard.”
― Colin Jost, A Very Punchable Face