A. Zukowski > Quotes

“I stare at my hands and remember my dad's and how I trusted them when I was a kid until I learned that they could turn into fists. And words could hurt even more than the bruises.”
― A. Zukowski, Liam for Hire

“Are you sure about this?” I wring my hands. “I was a homeless druggie, a beggar and an escort. I’m prone to breakdowns and poor decisions. Have you picked up strays before and let them into your house?” He laughs, not taking me seriously at all. “I don’t give a flying fuck as long as you’re here.” He rubs my abs to soothe me. “Liam. You make me happy. Life’s too short not to grab hold of happiness when it comes knocking at my door.” Fuck. He has done it again. Tears surge in my eyes. “And you just seem to make me cry like a fucking twat!” He smiles, comes closer and kisses me. Before I know it, he wraps his arms around my waist and thighs and tries to lift me up and carry me. I am pretty lithe but I’m still too tall and heavy for him. He manages to half-lug, half-drag me up the stairs and into the bedroom while laughing his head off.”
― A. Zukowski, Liam for Hire

“I was married to a woman until a year ago, I wasn’t out for that reason, too.” He reminds me he has only recently ‘come out’. “It still feels strange to think of myself as a gay man. Told you I’m quite pathetic.” Now, I feel like crap for laughing at him. “You’re not pathetic, Ali.” He smiles again. Gorgeous. “I like you too.” The truth is I like Ali a lot. But I am afraid to admit it. The ale is pretty smooth, and I become more relaxed around Ali as we settle into our evening. I have not felt like this with anyone for a long time”
― A. Zukowski, Liam for Hire

“We close the distance between us again and kiss, a deep and greedy one. Ali pulls away after the long hard snog. “Liam, will you show me Ireland sometime?” “Yes.” It’ll be strange but I’ve finally realised that coming from the country doesn’t define me. It’s left its mark but I am my own person. Home is where I choose to make it. In Ali’s arms, I’ve come home.”
― A. Zukowski, Liam for Hire

“You don’t tip before I’ve delivered the service, mate.” I may be a prostitute but I don’t accept payment when I haven’t worked for it. I’ll be vulnerable to peculiar demands later on. “I want you to have it.” Ali shifts his feet uncomfortably. He gazes at me for a long moment, seemingly debating what to say. “I...I want us to have sex as though we’re making love.” Making love? Jaysus. I scratch my head. I am at a loss why the words scare me. It’s not like I don’t understand what it’s about, theoretically. “Okay. You mean more kisses and shit?” Ali laughs. “And shit.” His face lights up and he looks about ten years younger. “Like cuddles.” Cuddles. Hugs. Kisses. Luxuries for other people. Sex has been only sex to me in the last few years. I guess grown-ups sometimes need some tender loving care. Fuck knows why Ali wants that from me, but if it’s what he fancies, it’s not the weirdest request I’ve ever heard. “’Course. The customer is always right.” A frown appears briefly on his handsome face. I take his hand and lead him into the bedroom. We are still standing when I start kissing him, slowly at first as if I need to taste his lips and savour them. All the while, I try to think of him
as someone I want. Strangely, it turns me on more than I care to admit. As I undress him, each small button of his shirt I undo brings expectation that thrills me. His strong hands seem too big for the same task, but they are delicate at the same time with the act of revealing my body. Soon, we are both topless and breathing heavily with anticipation. Even with my boyfriends, I have always been a fuck first, think later kind of guy, so this is brand new”
― A. Zukowski, Liam for Hire

“Fuck, Ali.” “That’s what we’re doing.” He smiles. “I don’t think I’ll ever tire of you. I don’t know what to do.” That makes the two of us. To muffle his words and my rattled brain, I bend down and kiss him again. It feels so damn good with Ali deep inside of me. I won’t need too much more stimulation to come again. Neither will he. He pushes himself up to meet me. All I can hear is our laboured breaths, and the slapping of our flesh together. Ali soon tenses and thrusts upwards into me again and again with full force, driving the couch across the floor, until he’s spent. I move off him, and wrap my hand around myself. Ali’s zonedout eyes are utterly absorbed by me as Ijerk off; his concentration consumes every inch of me when I give in to pleasuring myself and I come all over his abs. Ali’s grin is precious. “Come here.” We ignore the sticky mess between us. I reach down and let myself be hugged this time while I calm down from the intensity of sex. As I do that, Ali idly strokes my hair and kisses the top of my head. “You’re incredible.” I can say the same about him. Ali and I together feel effortless”
― A. Zukowski, Liam for Hire

“You don’t need a reason to be upset. I think you’ve had a breakdown, Liam.” Breakdown, relapse, binge, craving. A big fucking mess. Fucking walking disaster. But Ali lets me cry myself dry while ruining his shirt. When I finally stop, he asks, “Will you go to a detox? Sasha can ask his counsellor for an emergency placement. Perhaps we can persuade them you’re a danger to yourself?” Hearing those words, I chuckle through my tears. “I know I’m a danger to myself.” Ali smiles. “Yeah. And to me.” “What do you mean?” I have to clean some of my snot with the bottom of my T-shirt. It doesn’t matter anyway since the clothes I’m wearing are dirty and probably need to be fumigated. His grin broadens. “Well, I’m dangerously close to caring too much about you.” I shake my head. Ali’s a big softie but I can’t think about romance right now”
― A. Zukowski, Liam for Hire

“Thank you, Liam.” His almost innocent gesture is so tender it makes me shudder. I have to blink a few times to remind myself this is a job. Thinking about emotions is pointless. “You’re welcome.” I give him my most charming beam and a wink. “Book me again if you had a good time, yeah?” His grin makes the crow’s feet that are just appearing at the corners of his eyes more obvious. I like them on the man, though. I don’t think I have a type, but a ‘daddy’ is definitely not one I’d normally go for. But then, he’s probably only ten, fifteen years older than me. Hell, shut up, Liam. Quit over-analysing. It’s not like this hot guy is going to be interested in you beyond paid-for sex. I’m probably horny, missing a lover or a regular fuck buddy who would be better than nobody. I miss one person most but he’s gone, found his true love and he’s doing well. I am happy for him despite the ache inside me when I think back to the hard times I shared with Sasha and the love I felt for him. Some days I wish I could turn back the clock. By the time I told Sasha I loved him, it was too late, but regrets are a luxury for someone like me.”
― A. Zukowski, Liam for Hire

“Thank you.” I am exhausted, so I only reply lazily, “What for?” He kisses me again. “For coming back and sleeping with me like this.” I am never introspective about the decisions I make. I may have broken my principle but it feels good to be wanted by Ali. I’m so exhausted that I soon fall into a slumber. I enjoy a rare night of restful sleep and wake to find an empty space beside me in bed. The smell of fresh coffee tells me where Ali is. I inhale his leftover scent on the pillow; I can’t help but smile”
― A. Zukowski, Liam for Hire

“Have you ever imagined finding a soul mate, the one?” “Uh?” I consider the question and I’m truly surprised that Chris even thinks about that. He changes his boyfriends and girlfriends every few weeks, and gives no indication he ever wants to be serious with any of them. “A soul mate?” When I was with my boyfriends, I thought I had found him. I’m now too jaded to think that. I have no answer for Chris. I don’t want to feel nothing anymore, though. Even when I was wasted on drugs, I wouldn’t allow myself to be completely numb. It’s probably why I can’t ignore Ali while I try hard not to lose my head over him. I don’t think I’m good enough for him. I’m still afraid that I’ll get hurt if I let myself trust someone again”
― A. Zukowski, Liam for Hire

“I am a whore in the bedroom but I’m pretty useless around the house and I can’t cook. Sorry, I’m not husband material at all.” I wink to show him I’m not serious about all this. Ali’s eyes sparkle. “I love you anyway, Liam Murphy. It’s not about sex or how good you are at making toast.” He laughs. “I love your sense of humour. I love your vulnerability. You always listen to me when I need to talk. I like how you make me feel better. Shall I go on?” I freeze. Boyfriend is one thing. I’m still scared by the declaration of love. I’m all these things to him? I had no idea! I want to run out of his house once again. My heart is thumping, from fright or excitement I can’t tell. But Ali’s not letting my rambling thoughts fester. He makes short shrift of his clothes ready for his brand of love making. Why has it taken me months to realise he is the one I want? The only one.”
― A. Zukowski, Liam for Hire

“Thank you, Liam. You made me realise it’s okay for me to try to enjoy my life. I’m not hundred percent there yet but I’m fine for now.” “I helped you realise it?” Uncertainty floods my brain. “Yes, you. That’s why I came to you again, after the first time. You helped me see that it’s okay to explore my sexuality. I’d see that you didn’t have much of a hang-up about it. I hope I don’t sound dumb.” He scratches his head. “No...” All of a sudden, I’m burdened with a sense of responsibility. In a good way. I swallow. “Okay. Thanks, I guess. I’ll put that on my CV”
― A. Zukowski, Liam for Hire

“I say no to a drink, though. Maybe later. Alcohol makes my nerves worse. No matter how long I’ve been selling sex, revealing myself to a stranger is not easy.”
― A. Zukowski, Liam for Hire

“Ali stares dreamily at the shadows of the garden. I wonder why he’s the one who seems to be pining for something. I look intently at the dark sky as I consider his questions and finally I realise what ‘home’ means to me. Even with a roof over my head I’m still homeless in my heart. Bricks and mortar don’t mean anything. I’m not sure if I want a real home right now, somewhere I belong. Not that one is on offer or available to someone like me. Some days, I long for the freedom of the streets, strange as it may sound to anyone who has never been homeless. My bedsit and the job are like a hamster’s cage, giving me temporary shelter but making me go round and round in circles”
― A. Zukowski, Liam for Hire

“I like being with you. It surprised me because I wasn’t expecting that given our age gap.” I gape at him. What is my reason? Why am I taken by Ali? I’d invited him to come out to the bar. I scratch my head. I’ve allowed myself to follow my heart, and for him to breakthrough my defences. “I like you.” Is it enough reason to ignore my escort’s professional code? Ali smiles. “It’s enough for now. Don’t you think?” I should ask him ‘enough for what?’ but I’m afraid of the answer. This something that I’m feeling urges me to stay on the pavement outside the bar, to listen to him talk about his life, and be the one who comforts him when he needs. Why am I doing this? Am I expecting the same from him? Someone who cares about me, despite what a fuck-up I am? I shake my head to get rid of my confusing thoughts”
― A. Zukowski, Liam for Hire

“As we sleep later, Ali holds on to me, spooning me from behind and I have to admit it feels damn good. I need the contact of the warm skin and the solidity of his body. Most all-nighters are hard work and the sex can be relentless. With Ali, it feels like I am staying with a boyfriend. I sense his hot breath on my shoulder and his faint snores are soothing. I’m a light sleeper. It makes it easier to turn tricks at night, but tonight I let myself be held
and enjoy the closeness. I manage to sleep for a few hours with some pleasant dreams for once. It hasn’t seemed like work. I’ve felt valued and cared for, which is a brand-new experience for me. The next day, I should have left early but I give him a lazy early morning blow job instead, before getting dressed to leave. Because Ali has shown me respect, I want to provide the best service to him.”
― A. Zukowski, Liam for Hire

“Now that you know I’m available, you want me to be your boyfriend?” I ask tentatively. Ali swallows and utters quietly, “Yes.” The man is crazy to want me but he has been forewarned about my inadequacies”
― A. Zukowski, Liam for Hire

“Kissing a boy you found attractive was fine.”
― A. Zukowski, The Boy Who Fell to Earth

“Ali kisses the side of my head. “Yes, there are people who care about you, Liam.” I hear the smile in his voice”
― A. Zukowski, Liam for Hire

“Ali McClelland. Too bad. I just can’t let you become my sugar daddy.” I put the notes back on the hall table. He shakes his head. “I’ll never be your sugar anything! You stubborn git.” He grabs me and kisses me with force, enough to make me see stars. When he lets me go, I give him a wide grin because I am giddy from his kisses. “Not everyone lives in a nice house in Islington. I only have my pride.” “And I love your pride.” Ali smiles. “But I’m not rich despite having this house. Emily’s parents gave it to her as a wedding present. And when she died, it was passed on to me. I’m grateful for it but it doesn’t define me.” I sigh. “I never said it did.” “And you’ll make me a very happy man if you come and share it with me. The house has three bedrooms. You can even have your own space.” He waves his hand as if to emphasise the point that there is plenty of room. I keep putting off the discussion of ‘our future’ as I know what it means. If I move in with him, I won’t need to be an escort anymore to pay rent and I can maybe get a low-paid or part-time job. I can even go back to study music at college. It is a big step. I am scared, properly frightened. What if it doesn’t work out? On the other hand, I’ve got nothing to lose except the newfound control of my life at the expense of selling my arse. I promise myself I’ll give it more thought”
― A. Zukowski, Liam for Hire

“Ali. You’re a great guy,” I attempt to reason. “You’re good-looking, sorted. A cool job, a great house. I know you have some regrets with your wife. But, you’ll find a good man soon, someone who loves you. I know it.” Someone who deserves to be with Ali. Jaysus. I sound like a bloody agony aunt albeit not a very eloquent one. He struggles to smile. “Is that your way of letting me down gently?” Fuck, the stupid fuck. “No, I don’t get to let you down. You understand? You book me, I’ll come, but I am not what you want long term.” I don’t even mind losing a client. I have enough regulars now. It bothers me to think I won’t get to spend time with him every week but what the fuck is someone like Ali doing with me? We finish our drinks in silence, an awkwardness growing between us. He gets the bill. When we are in the car, he gives me two hundred pounds. “I think I’ll drive you home.” His voice is low and uncertain. Fine. I direct him to a few doors down from my bedsit near the Arsenal football ground in North London. I am not prepared to reveal where I live, not even to Ali. He kisses me softly on the lips. With unshed tears in his eyes once again, he gazes at me, and touches my hair. “Thank you for everything, Liam. Goodbye”
― A. Zukowski, Liam for Hire

“I realise I’m enjoying the conversation. Here in this little garden, I am able to relax. Living in my box room in
the crowded flat isn’t good for contemplation. But then, who am I to complain? I can hardly afford anything else. As we listen to the hum of the London suburb and the distant sirens that cut through the city’s streets all night, Ali’s curious gaze fixes on my face as though he really wants to know the real me.”
― A. Zukowski, Liam for Hire

“The light was not broken, but in the darkness it had a different kind of radiance. If I seek it, I’ll find it.”
― A. Zukowski, Courting Light

“I love you.”
Oh, fuck. I’m not going to cry, again. I really am not. But the tears fall and they keep falling. I try to dry them with my hands. Ali takes over.
“I hope they’re tears of joy.”
Choked by my own ridiculousness, I mumble, “No one’s ever loved me.”
“I do.”
I stare through the tears at Ali’s open face.
“And you deserve to beloved. Those other people are obviously idiots.”
My sobs become more desperate. How old am I? Fucking twelve? “Damn you. Stop making me cry.”
He chuckles.
I manage to stop myself eventually”
― A. Zukowski, Liam for Hire

“It was fine just like that, kissing a boy that you found attractive.”
― A. Zukowski

“I wish you didn’t think that. I want to have you share this space. It doesn’t mean I’m superior or anything.”
“I’m just pointing out how different we are,” I argue.
“Opposites attract.”
“We’re not magnets.” I chuckle.
“No. But you’re like one to me, though.” Ali has to have the last word.”
― A. Zukowski, Liam for Hire

“I stretch and hold his hand over the table. If there is one thing I can do as his boyfriend, I want to make Ali feel less lonely. I bring his hand to my lips and kiss it gently, and he responds with his signature grin. With my disastrous love life so far, I know this is a chance for me and I want to do right by him. We gaze at each other, our eyes lock and it feels so natural and good.”
― A. Zukowski, Liam for Hire

“Ali, I’ve been tested regularly, but I will go again as soon as possible. Tomorrow. I wanna be clean for you. For us.” His grin widens. “I’d like that. For you more than anything else.” He weaves his fingers in my hair and his gaze is warm. “I never asked you. How did you really feel being an escort?” I take a deep breath. If I’m honest, I try not to think too much about it. Shut my eyes, ignore any physical discomfort and get on with the job. I had no problem with sex and I sometimes did enjoy it. But the emotional attachment wasn’t there; not until I met Ali did I realise how arousing it was to want someone so desperately. It was a job that I had mixed feelings about. “I persuaded myself that it was only sex but it wasn’t. I was dying inside, losing my sense of self. It’s okay as a job but there are other things I can do. I’ll find them.” Ali’s strong arms hold me tight and his presence grounds me. “All I know is I want you. Anyone else will only remind me that I’m not with you.” I kiss him again and again”
― A. Zukowski, Liam for Hire

“See what I’ve left behind. I’ve come a long Milky Way to find my guardian.” Ali chuckles. “Except I don’t really guard you. I like to let you be free, my Liam. How does it feel now being back home?” I consider him and think about his words. Ali is my guardian but he doesn’t keep me in a locked box. His love protects me and lets me be whoever I am. Free. “This is where I grew up. You. Are my home. And wherever you are, Ali, I’ll be there.” Ali pulls me close and we kiss. A light breeze grazes our skin. We’re surrounded by the rustling sound of the long grass and the lingering scent of sea and sand”
― A. Zukowski, Liam for Hire

“It is a cliché to say eyes are the window to the soul, but they do tell me a lot about the men who hire me. And this man here has beautiful eyes. My eyes, on the other hand, are dark; I like to think they may make my soul impenetrable”
― A. Zukowski, Liam for Hire