Jess Whitecroft > Quotes

“Between the two of us we’ve made the inside of my car smell like the inside of a gay bathhouse in seventies San Francisco, minus the poppers.”
― Jess Whitecroft, Burn Me

“Every now and again my brain craps out and decides it’s not going to let me experience happiness for a while.”
― Jess Whitecroft, Burn Me

“Okay. How much do you need?”
“Couple of hundred. Three…”
“Three hundred?”
“You’re a fucking surgeon, Simon.”
“Junior orthopaedic surgeon,” he said. “It’s going to be a while before I’m pulling down consultant level cash. And even then I’d make more money if I’d become a footballer.”
“You wouldn’t,” I said. “I’ve seen you play football. You were always running away from the ball.”
“That’s because it was a heavy, leather projectile travelling rapidly towards my face.”
“Yes, but you were the goalkeeper.”
― Jess Whitecroft, Less Than Three

“You can’t show addicts a picture of a poo and say ‘You could crap like this if you join our rehab program.”
― Jess Whitecroft, Burn Me

“Rich people entitlement is a hell of a drug. It doesn’t even occur to them that they’ll get busted, because they brown nose all the right assholes at the golf course. Schmooze the right judges. Retain the right attorneys.”
― Jess Whitecroft, The Last Single Man in Texas

“I know getting Vegas married on cocaine is probably not the best start to a marriage”
― Jess Whitecroft, The James Dean Vintage

“Because he would leave. Oliver felt sure of that. You couldn’t plant a tumbleweed and expect it to yield grapes, no matter how perfect the terroir. The summer was slithering away and in a month or so it would be time for harvest. Then fall would turn the fields to fire and when the leaves fell they would travel halfway around the world to cold, pearly-gray Paris. And then what?”
― Jess Whitecroft, The James Dean Vintage

“Good lord, Henry. You’re almost as strange a creature as me. Perhaps stranger, because you look so wholesome and brown and bonny, like a pretty ploughboy. Whereas nobody could ever mistake me for anything but what I am.” “And what are you?” “I’m a thief,” said Jem. “And a whore. A molly. A mary-anne. That’s what they used to call us back in London, us boys who dressed as girls and called one another sister.”
― Jess Whitecroft, Reckless

“Give me a moment, baby. I just need to roll those words over in my head a couple of times. ‘It’s really hard to climb a stripper pole when you’re wearing an ankle monitor.’ It’s like slutty poetry. I never dared dream that a child of mine would ever utter such a beautiful sentence.”
― Jess Whitecroft, Dirty Little Freaks

“He kisses the ski-jump tip that I hate, because of the way it makes me look like some startled small mammal sticking its nose out of a burrow. It’s been called cute, but that doesn’t make me more likely to forgive its effect on my profile. I’m thirty, which is around the age when ‘cute’ begins to look a little Baby Jane Hudson.”
― Jess Whitecroft, Burn Me

“He held his breath and listened to the wind in the sails. “Raise the black!” They glided alongside. The French frigate was silent. Too silent. It set the hairs on the back of Henry’s neck on end and filled his mind with old mariner’s tales. Ghost ships condemned never to see shore again.”
― Jess Whitecroft, Reckless

“looked at the man - like he shat puppies, farted rainbows and tasted like Toblerone.”
― Jess Whitecroft, Private Members

“It was one thing to pack your son off to have his speech fixed by an actor, quite another to have your son laced into a dress and taken for a girl.”
― Jess Whitecroft, Reckless

“What the actual fuck was wrong with these people? Why were they like this? What had happened to make them this way?”
― Jess Whitecroft, The Odd Throuple

“They knew his flag with its heart and dagger, and they knew his name. Nicholas Buchanan, the Buckler. It wasn’t a gravestone, but perhaps his reputation would be its own memorial.”
― Jess Whitecroft, Reckless

“Just because you identify as something, does that mean you are that thing? Unless you make an effort to realise your identity, isn’t it just a pose?”
― Jess Whitecroft, Less Than Three

“As he’d retrieved his clothes from the living room floor he’d thought about leaving a note, but he had absolutely no idea what it should say. Thank you for the filthy, fucked up threeway? Thank you for ending my sex drought with some kind of dick monsoon?”
― Jess Whitecroft, All That Drag

“Fuck off. I don’t have time for your tingly boyparts.”
― Jess Whitecroft, These Violent Delights

“... if your eyeballs weren’t actually bleeding you weren’t even close to finishing the required reading for any given semester.”
― Jess Whitecroft, The Last Single Man in Texas

“Really. Far worse than my barley thing. We swell up like blueberries. You know – like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.” “Violet Beauregarde.”
― Jess Whitecroft, Private Members

“A year. It didn’t seem possible. Once more around the sun – one more bud break, one more fruit set, one more veraison since that day when he’d held his mother’s skeletal hand and watched her eyebrowless frown smooth out into something he hoped was peace.”
― Jess Whitecroft, The James Dean Vintage

“It’s an anus, Finn. It’s not just for fun.”
― Jess Whitecroft, Going Roswell

“Taking care of your family is a two way thing. A child is not a slot machine you can keep stuffing coins into in the hope that one day it will pay out big.”
― Jess Whitecroft, The Last Single Man in Texas

“I have work to do, but it’s hard. Pun intended. I’m trying to get into what motivated Mallory to attempt the mountain in the first place, but Rocco is under my skin.”
― Jess Whitecroft, Burn Me

“For all she’d picked up a needle and bent her head and looked like a girl in a painting that might hang in a gentleman’s house, there was still something wrong about her. Something soiled and exciting that had no business lurking behind the eyes of a well-bred young woman.”
― Jess Whitecroft, Reckless

“Everything feels different, now that I know that Rocco is in love with me. Everything else feels dim and gray and unimportant, and immediately I wonder if anything else in my life will ever measure up to the wonder of this time we have together, when the colors of the forest are so bright they hurt my eyes, and just the movement of air against my skin feels like a caress.”
― Jess Whitecroft, Burn Me

“Myers-Briggs personality types are like astrology for people who are too basic to even own the fact that they read their horoscopes.”
― Jess Whitecroft, The Last Single Man in Texas

“Never mind booty clap – I can make this thing applaud.”
― Jess Whitecroft, The James Dean Vintage

“I’m starting a garage band called Greg’s Ratchet Chupacabra.”
― Jess Whitecroft, Going Nessie

“What can I say? I get fucked a lot. When you come this often and this hard you can’t help but swagger.”
― Jess Whitecroft, The Last Single Man in Texas