Alice Winters > Quotes

“We're like Romeo and Juliet."
"We're both going to die?" he asks in alarm.
"Smart Romeo and Juliet."
"You're going to kill my cousin?" He seems less alarmed about this.
"I take it you don't like your cousin?"
"He's a bit of an asshole, if I'm being honest."
"I'm glad you've embraced being Juliet.”
― Alice Winters, A Villain for Christmas

“You are so good at this interrogating stuff, I’d love to take notes,” I say as I pull out my notepad and write at the top: A How-To Guide to Being Evil.”
― Alice Winters, How to Vex a Vampire

“I’ve seen your butthole and that pretty much makes us BFFs.”
― Alice Winters, The Hitman's Guide to Making Friends and Finding Love

“Me: Leland, how did you get Jackson to fall in love with you? Leland: I flirted with him. Jackson: He shot at me. Leland: Yeah, that’s called flirting. Jackson: That’s called attempted murder.”
― Alice Winters, The Former Assassin's Guide to Snagging a Reluctant Boyfriend

“I'll fight them for you. I always carry a book with me, and they fucking hurt when you get smashed in the face with one." He shuts the car off and we both get out.
"You know this from experience?"
"No, just by the sound my victims make.”
― Alice Winters, A Villain for Christmas

“Tell me you like my nipples and everything will go back to normal.”
― Alice Winters, The Hitman's Guide to Making Friends and Finding Love

“Great. So I want to go for a run outside, down the bike trail in town, but I don’t really want to get hit at any street crossings.” “So…you…want me to go running with you?” I ask. “Yes.” Clearly I am not hearing him correctly. “Like…with my own legs?” “Correct.”
― Alice Winters, A Light in the Darkness

“saw a man… a lone man climbing over a grand fence. Suddenly, his pants got stuck as he was climbing over and his ass was on display for all to see. And that’s how I met Jackson. Better love story than Twilight.”
― Alice Winters, The Former Assassin's Guide to Snagging a Reluctant Boyfriend

“I felt like if I had to suffer through being small and cute my entire life, I was going to work that small and cute so damn hard.”
― Alice Winters, How to Elude a Vampire

“We’re going to the retirement home, then?” “Oh, I would love to see you trying to do some community service with fragile old humans. They’d be like ‘But I would just like a glass of water.’ And you’d be like ‘Don’t be so weak, human. I’m older than you! Get your own water!”
― Alice Winters, How to Vex a Vampire

“What made you decide to be a bad guy?” I ask. “Childhood dream.”
― Alice Winters, Just My Luck

“Being with Leland in a car is like being stuck in a room with a child hyped up on caffeine and sugar that you can’t yell at because it’s not your kid. “What exactly are we doing?” I ask as I glance over at where he’s sitting in the passenger seat.”
― Alice Winters, The Former Assassin's Guide to Snagging a Reluctant Boyfriend

“It’s clear we’re destined to be with each other. And then I remember that he’s a superhero and I’m a villain and we are not meant to be. It’s like Romeo and Juliet, but where I will not murder myself when he’s simply sleeping. Yes, he’s Juliet in this scenario.”
― Alice Winters, A Villain for Christmas

“Fuck if I know,” he says. “I bought him on Amazon.” He rushes over to the sex swing and kneels next to it. “Look at his blow-up penis! I nearly died blowing him up. When his penis popped out, I was laughing so hard on top of already being air deprived from blowing him up that I nearly passed out.”
― Alice Winters, The Hitman's Guide to Making Friends and Finding Love

“Stabby McStabbed is like ten feet that way. I didn’t stab him well enough to kill him either, so I’m sure he’ll have something to say about seeing my face if I come waltzing up playing the innocent party member.”
― Alice Winters, The Former Assassin's Guide to Snagging a Reluctant Boyfriend

“Has your brain always been this damaged?" he asks as he tilts my chin up.
"I think so. There were a couple of times I had a lack of oxygen to my brain as well as some severe hits and falls. I feel like it's given me some character, but maybe I've actually lost my mind."
"You have.”
― Alice Winters

“Then I’ll just pack up my Girl Scout cookies and hurry on home,” Cassel says. The man hesitates. “Do you have Thin Mints?”
― Alice Winters, The Former Assassin's Guide to Snagging a Reluctant Boyfriend

“That’s just stupid. What are you going to do? Beat people with your GPA? ‘You cannot hurt me with your gun for I have the power of GPA on my side!’” Shepherd calls out to some invisible attacker.”
― Alice Winters, Just My Luck

“Don’t eat my fish.”
“I’ll be patient and just snack on you when you come home.”
“Don’t eat the cat.”
His smirk falls to a mock glare. “Come on, have some faith in me!”
“Don’t eat the neighbor.”
“The neighbor is like ninety and shriveled up and probably has old blood.”
I raise an eyebrow. “And you know what the neighbor looks like because?”
River stares at me with wide eyes. “I… like… watching blood bags—people… walk around outside as my mouth waters.”
I’m quite terrified of this fact. “Oh my god, you’re going to eat someone!”
― Alice Winters, How to Save a Human

“White picket fence? I’ll hire someone to put it up. Fluffy dog to greet us when we get home? I’ll steal Marcus’s. Little children running everywhere… I’m not sure where to get them but I’m sure it can’t be hard. “What?”
― Alice Winters, How to Lure a Hunter

“A part of me questioned if he was taking me here to murder me, but I kind of think he’s a little dumb and self-absorbed, so I should be alright.”
― Alice Winters, Nixing the End of the World

“But you fit in anywhere?” “A hundred percent. The only time I’ve ever felt out of place was at a bar during ladies-only night. And that was just because I wasn’t the manliest one there.”
― Alice Winters, How to Vex a Vampire

“Don’t look at me,” Karsyn growls. Now that I’m alone with Claude and Karsyn, the two seem to be back at it. But this time, all Claude did was smile and Karsyn’s ready to eat him. “Children, settle down,” I say. “He looked at me,” Karsyn says, as though that’s a good excuse. “You’re like the sun, I can’t look away,” Claude says which is the stupidest pickup line I’ve ever heard. “Can I tear his eyes out?” Karsyn asks me like I’m suddenly in control here.”
― Alice Winters, How to Elude a Vampire

“I grab it and look up at him while one hundred percent pretending it’s a microphone. “Can you give me an alternate pronunciation of the word?” “I’m going to kick your ass so hard,” he growls as he pulls me into a headlock. How this went from an innocent yet very sexy blow job to MMA, I’ll never know.”
― Alice Winters, How to Vex a Vampire

“a little startled by what he’s asking, but I’m also positive that if this man is asking me to watch his dog, I will watch it to the moon and back. I will watch this dog so fucking hard that when Jeremy comes back to collect her, he’ll be turned on by my dog-sitting abilities. He’ll take my hand and go, “Cassel, my one true love, I’ve never seen a dog watched so well. I think I’m in love—” That’s when that other dude that I’ve forgotten about”
― Alice Winters, The Former Assassin's Guide to Snagging a Reluctant Boyfriend

“FELIX, SAVE ME. Scratch that. LANE! Save me!”
― Alice Winters, Dancing in Darkness

“My cock will hold you safely in place. My cock will be like Excalibur and your ass like the rock none could pull it from.”
― Alice Winters, Lost in the Mind

“There, there. We’ll just… I think we need to put you down,” he says as he grabs me in a headlock. “Go toward the light!”
― Alice Winters, Just My Luck

“Squirrel,” Fred says as I realize that there is something worse than death. I’d rather have poison.”
― Alice Winters, The Former Assassin's Guide to Snagging a Reluctant Boyfriend

“Henry: Why the hell am I part of this group text?”
― Alice Winters, The Former Assassin's Guide to Snagging a Reluctant Boyfriend