Bill Burr > Quotes

“Realize that sleeping on a futon when you're 30 is not the worst thing. You know what's worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you're not really in love with but for some reason you married, and you got a couple kids, and you got a job you hate. You'll be laying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon. There's no risk when you go after a dream. There's a tremendous amount to risk to playing it safe.”
― Bill Burr

“It's not until you're an adult you appreciate how awesome a dog is. Your dreams start dying, somebody cheats on ya, bankers fuck up your 401k, ya know? Then you come home and that dog's looking at you and he's like, 'Dude, you're awesome!' It's like, 'No dude, YOU are fucking awesome!”
― Bill Burr

“Having a dick is one of the most dangerous things on the planet. How many people are eaten by sharks each year? How many guys lose everything they've got because of their dick? Yet the Discovery Channel has Shark week every other fucking month. Why doesn't it have Dick Week? That would be the scariest seven days in the history of television.”
― Bill Burr, Cheat: A Man's Guide to Infidelity

“When was the last time your dick came up with a good plan? Oh, it's got some great ideas, but when was the last time it came up with a good plan beyond "Do it"?

That's your dick's entire plan: "Do it."

Forget preparation, forget looking for possible pitfalls, forget everything. If your dick were a person, it would be on America's Dumbest Criminals.”
― Bill Burr, Cheat: A Man's Guide to Infidelity

“Money can set you free or imprison you.”
― Bill Burr

“If everybody's conversations were recorded, would anyone have a job on Monday?”
― Bill Burr

“Three out of four marriages end in failure. If you were going skydiving and they told you three out of four parachutes won't open, would you still jump?”
― Bill Burr

“...you gotta get rid of this girl, alright? Is not gonna get any better, you did it a zillion times, you gotta go cold turky, you gotta cut her off, aright? 'cause what's gonna happen is if you stay with her, and you end up fucking getting feelings for her. she might fuck you over, and you've never loved her to begin with. Or you get married to her, and then the fucking looks go away, and you are with this fucking idiot who can't tell a joke, can't tell stories and listen to shitty music. And eventually you are gonna pull a Phil Spector, your hair is gonna be all over the place, you're gonna stick a gun in her mouth. It's gonna be horrible.”
― Bill Burr

“...you gotta get rid of this girl, alright? It's not gonna get any better, you did it a zillion times, you gotta go cold turkey, you gotta cut her off, alright? 'cause what's gonna happen is if you stay with her, and you end up fucking getting feelings for her, she might fuck you over, and you've never loved her to begin with. Or you get married to her, and then the fucking looks go away, and you are with this fucking idiot who can't tell a joke, can't tell stories and listen to shitty music. And eventually you are gonna pull a Phil Spector, your hair is gonna be all over the place, you're gonna stick a gun in her mouth. It's gonna be horrible.”
― Bill Burr

“...you gotta get rid of this girl, alright? Is not gonna get any better, you did it a zillion times, you gotta go cold turkey, you gotta cut her off, aright? 'cause what's gonna happen is if you stay with her, and you end up fucking getting feelings for her, she might fuck you over, and you've never loved her to begin with. Or you get married to her, and then the fucking looks go away, and you are with this fucking idiot who can't tell a joke, can't tell stories and listen to shitty music. And eventually you are gonna pull a Phil Spector, your hair is gonna be all over the place, you're gonna stick a gun in her mouth. It's gonna be horrible.”
― Bill Burr