Kitty Flanagan > Quotes

“I am almost ashamed to admit how much I love getting a laugh-for me, it is still the ultimate high. Admittedly, I don't take a lot of drugs.”
― Kitty Flanagan, Bridge Burning and Other Hobbies

“Hunting is not a sport

Unless, of course, you’re hunting a fellow hunter who also has a gun. Now you’ve got yourselves a contest.”
― Kitty Flanagan, More Rules for Life: A special volume for enthusiasts

“The handful of popcorn must be smaller than your mouth Don’t take large fistfuls of popcorn and push and shove them into your mouth like a toddler forcing a square peg into a round hole. If popcorn is spilling back into the feed-bucket or onto your lap and the floor around you, then you’re taking too much. I realise it’s dark and no one can see, but that’s no reason to suddenly start eating like a bulimic possum. Slow down, take smaller ‘handfuls’ and chew. With your mouth closed, obviously.”
― Kitty Flanagan, 488 Rules for Life

“Always state your whereabouts when talking to someone on the phone

This rule is specifically for dog owners when they’re out walking their dogs, and it’s included at my sister’s request. Apparently, she and I were talking on the phone one day but I neglected to mention that I was walking my dogs at the time. So when I shouted, ‘Gotta go, there’s a poo happening!’ and hung up, she had no idea the poo in question belonged to one of my dogs. Rather, she assumed I’d become some sort of chronic oversharer who liked to keep everyone apprised of my movements.”
― Kitty Flanagan, More Rules for Life: A special volume for enthusiasts

“Don’t wear all of your luggage
Budget airlines keep the fare down by providing the bare minimum. A seat. And that’s it. Anything else, like a bag or a biscuit or a bit of dignity, is going to cost you extra. That’s why the canny travellers wear layer upon layer of clothing and stuff their pockets with phone chargers, shoes, iPads, bottled water, crushed up bags of McDonald’s and other snacks, and then sew their jewels and valuables into the hems of their coats. Okay, maybe I made that last one up, but it’s a fine line between wearing a few extra items to save on luggage costs and looking like you’re escaping a fascist regime.”
― Kitty Flanagan, More Rules for Life: A special volume for enthusiasts

“You don’t need a giant wastepaper basket full of popcorn Just get a small one. The large ones are stupidly large. It’s physically impossible to eat that much popcorn because your face can’t cope with that amount of salt. Your mouth starts to pucker and it gets harder and harder to push each kernel through what has become a very restricted opening between your shrivelled up lips. That’s usually the time you put your enormous bucket of popcorn under your seat, promptly forget about it and then kick it over when you get up to leave. It then gets ground into the carpet and the popcorn-stink cycle is complete.”
― Kitty Flanagan, 488 Rules for Life

“Don’t pretend to be my friend

At the beginning of the pandemic, I got a flurry of emails from companies and stores who were all very keen to be my friend and help get me through these tough times. The CEO of Woolworths started emailing me personally and including a picture of himself. ‘Dear Kitty,’ he wrote, before going on to tell me all sorts of tales about the crazy capers the Woolies staff had been up to that I can’t quite remember (he did get on a bit, I think he might have been lonely). Furniture store West Elm also emailed to say they had my back. Thanks, guys! Specifically, they wrote: ‘Whether it’s keeping the kids entertained or getting creative in the kitchen, West Elm is here to help.’ I was delighted. I wrote back to let them know I didn’t have an kids but that I could sure use a new sofa given that I was doing a lot more sitting on my arse these days. Maybe my email went to their junk folder, I don’t know, but I never did hear back from them.”
― Kitty Flanagan, More Rules for Life: A special volume for enthusiasts

“Once a month, hold your yoga pants up to the light”
― Kitty Flanagan, More Rules for Life: A special volume for enthusiasts

“suck your chips.”
― Kitty Flanagan, More Rules for Life: A special volume for enthusiasts