Oren Jay Sofer > Quotes

“To listen entails a fundamental letting go of self-centeredness. We have to be willing to put down our own thoughts, views, and feelings temporarily to truly listen.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Anger is a completely natural emotion. It’s a strong signal that our needs aren’t being met. Evolutionarily it protects us when we perceive a threat in our environment. The destructive effects of anger come from how we handle it, not from the anger itself. When we can differentiate the stories of blame from our unmet needs, we can express ourselves more constructively.

Feeling “manipulated” or “betrayed” indicates that your emotions are colored by an interpretation about the other person’s intentions. To honor the intensity of your experience without getting entangled in the blame game, see those words as information that points back to your feelings and needs. Investigate what’s in your heart. When you tell yourself, “I’m being manipulated,” how do you feel on the inside? What do you need?

Once this is clear, work on conveying the depth of your feelings without blame. Express the rawness of your emotions and connect them to what matters to you. If you can’t find other words (and if you think the other person will understand), you could take responsibility for the blame by saying something such as, “I’m telling myself a story that you betrayed me.” This indicates your subjective interpretation while leaving space for the other person’s experience.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Sometimes our needs are met; sometimes they aren’t. Inner freedom doesn’t come from being able to control outcomes; it comes from knowing our values, developing the inner resources to meet life with balance, and letting go.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Awareness is the primary foundation for all communication. If communication is about creating understanding, mindful communication is about creating understanding through awareness. We could say that the opposite is mindless communication—we’re either running on automatic or we’re consumed by an inner narrative of judgments, criticism, planning, and mind wandering.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Our willingness to consciously experience an unmet need with awareness is transformative. After bringing empathy and compassion to the pain, we can learn to widen our perspective. Instead of focusing on the need’s satisfaction, we can shift our attention to the need itself, independent of any conditions.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Training our attention to identify needs (our own and others’) involves: • Expanding our vocabulary for needs Training our attention to see life through the “lens of needs” Building close relationships of trust and mutual respect, in which we feel safe enough to explore needs Attuning to the level of vulnerability that supports understanding and collaboration, depending on the context • Learning to be at peace with unmet needs Developing the ability to shift our attention from the personal to the universal aspect of needs, from a narrow focus on satisfying our needs to a broader appreciation for the beauty of human needs”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Out of options, I tried a different approach. During one visit back home, we sat at the dining room table as we usually did. I spoke from my heart, sharing the complete vulnerability of my feelings. “Dad, you know how much I love you. I want you to be here, to be in my life for a long, long time. And when I see the way you’re living, I feel so scared. I’m angry, and worried, and helpless. I want you to take better care of yourself, and I’ve tried everything I know to do to help you and none of it has worked. I don’t know what else to do, so I’m telling you this. What’s it like for you to hear all of this?”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Awareness of needs is transformative. The internal mechanism that expresses our unmet needs as blame and judgment (of self or others) is based on our unconscious conditioning. Knowing which needs are at play, we shift into a wider field of awareness where new forms of understanding and creativity become possible. If I’m about to call someone “selfish,” I can pause and inquire what I need. Instead of projecting my dissatisfaction outward as blame, I may recognize that I want consideration or more support.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Every need also exists as a value that we carry within us, independent of whether or not it is satisfied. When we are in touch with our inner life in this way, a need’s gratification is less salient than our awareness and appreciation of it as a value.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Principle: Presence lays the ground for connection.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Needs are the core values that motivate our actions. They’re what matter most, the root reasons for why we want what we want.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“There is a saying in Zen: “Not knowing is most intimate.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“To say what we mean, we must first know what we mean. To know what we mean, we must listen inwardly and discern what’s true for us.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“He looked at me and took my hand in his. He said that he understood, and that he didn’t know what to say. We both shed a few tears. My words did not heal his depression nor his obesity, but it did bring us closer together. The anger and pain in my heart began to dissipate. We enjoy a warm and loving relationship to this day. When one speaks authentically, vulnerability carries tremendous power.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“What’s challenging is to make that awareness continuous, sustaining it over time.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Principle: Given the complexity of communication, transformation occurs most readily through small shifts sustained over time.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“PRACTICE: Feeling Emotions Take some time to practice mindfulness and thoroughly explore the different components of an emotion. Begin by grounding your attention in your body. Steady your awareness with breathing and let things settle to whatever degree possible. Then call to mind a situation that brought up some feelings (nothing too difficult). Let it become clear in your mind. Use the steps below to explore any emotions present, one at a time: EMOTION: Name the emotion. How do you feel? LOCATION: Where do you feel it? Is it in your face, your chest, your back? Somewhere else? SENSATION: What does it feel like there? What are the actual sensations you experience associated with the emotion? Is there pressure, tightness, aching, heaviness? Warmth, openness, lightness, flowing? TONALITY: What’s the overall flavor or tone of the emotion? Is it pleasant or unpleasant? Can you relax there, softening and widening your attention? MEANING: Are there any thoughts, stories, or meanings associated with the emotion? If you had to boil it down to one word, what would it be? NEEDS: To what needs is this emotion connected? What matters to you here?”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Our words are carried on a wave of breath, the same breath that feeds the cells of our body with oxygen from the moment we are born until the moment we die.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Language is very powerful. Language does not just describe reality. Language creates the reality it describes.—DESMOND TUTU”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Sometimes we feel distinctly ungrounded. We might be nervous, angry, or agitated. The great strength of mindfulness is that it’s not about having a particular experience. Rather, it’s the capacity to know and feel whatever is happening directly, without getting caught in our reactions. Bringing presence to a conversation means accepting what arises in our experience: “This is truth. This is what’s happening right now.” This doesn’t mean that we condone harmful actions or automatically agree with another’s position.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Principle: The more we understand one another, the easier it is to find solutions that work for everyone. Therefore, establish as much mutual understanding as possible before problem solving.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Recognizing Presence Our natural state of being is a relaxed, open alertness characterized by contentment and well-being. This is innate. Evolutionarily we’re wired to be here in a profoundly attuned way. Even in our modern world with all its hurries and distractions, presence doesn’t need to be a random occurrence. We can actively enhance our ability to rest in this balanced state, to recognize when we’ve left, and to return more reliably.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“PRACTICE: Letting Go and Meeting Your Needs Think of a situation in the last few weeks in which a need wasn’t met. For this exercise, it’s essential that you choose something that is low on the scale of difficulty in order to learn the skill of shifting your attention between the personal and universal aspects of a need. If you choose something that is too hard (think “water in the desert”), the emotional pain will likely hinder your learning. Identify a key need in the situation. Inquire, “What matters about this to me? What do I want?” Listen inwardly, and then ask again, “If I had that, then what would I have?” Keep asking until you feel a settled clarity about the need or value for which you long. Place your attention on the personal aspect of this need: the fact that it hasn’t been met. You can say silently to yourself, “My need for _________ wasn’t met.” Notice how it feels to experience the need as a lack, something personal and unfulfilled. Next, let go of the situation, the circumstances, and see if you can shift your attention to the need itself. Focus on the inherent value of this need as a universal aspect of being human. You can say silently to yourself, “I deeply value _________” or, “Just as I long for _________, so do all people need _________.” Can you sense the beauty and dignity of this need? Can you experience its fullness, independent of whether or not it is satisfied?”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“There is something mysterious and sacred about being alive. It’s an awareness of something that is too important to forget. —CHRISTINA FELDMAN”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Not all holding on leads to suffering, and not all resistance is reactive. We hold on to our aspirations, our commitments, and our vision of equity and justice. We resist the forces of greed, hatred, and delusion. The generative resistance of social movements grows from seeing collective suffering and can be informed by profound love and compassion, rather than avoidance or denial. With careful attention and investigation, we can discern when holding on or resisting is connected to our integrity and wisdom and likewise when it’s rooted in reactivity, ignorance, and producing suffering.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Your Heart Was Made for This: Contemplative Practices for Meeting a World in Crisis with Courage, Integrity, and Love

“Each method has its own strength. The downward force of gravity tends to balance the stimulating, upward movement of attention in conversations. The centerline can bring a sense of inner strength and clarity. Breathing can soothe us, while touch points can dissipate the intensity of emotions. You also can get creative and explore your own ways of strengthening presence. Some people keep a smooth stone in their pocket, using its weight and softness as a literal touchstone.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“List of Human Needs* Subsistence Physical sustenance Air, Food, Water Shelter Health, Medicine Physical Safety Rest /Sleep Movement Security Consistency Stability Order/Structure Safety (emotional) Trust Freedom Autonomy Choice Ease Independence Power Space Spontaneity Leisure/Relaxation Adventure Humor Joy Play Pleasure Connection Affection Appreciation Attention Companionship Harmony Intimacy Love Sexual Expression Support Tenderness Warmth Touch To Matter Acceptance Care Compassion Consideration Empathy Kindness Mutual Recognition Respect To be seen or heard To be understood To be trusted Community Belonging Celebration Cooperation Equality Inclusion Mutuality Participation Self-expression Sharing Meaning Sense of Self Authenticity Competence Confidence Creativity Dignity Growth Healing Honesty Integrity Self-acceptance Self-care Self-connection Self-knowledge Self-realization Understanding Awareness Clarity Discovery Learning Making sense of life Meaning Aliveness Challenge Contribution Creativity Effectiveness Exploration Integration Purpose Transcendence Beauty Communion Faith Hope Inspiration Mourning Peace (inner) Presence”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“There are two basic ways of working with this painful habit. The first is to build up internal resources to counter the harshness of self-criticism. Cultivate positive practices such as gratitude and self-empathy (chapter 9), as well as other methods such as self-compassion and loving-kindness meditation. These practices strengthen resilience. It’s like stepping out of a burning house to breathe fresh air.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Principle: Conflict generally occurs at the level of our strategies—what we want. The more deeply we are able to identify our needs—why we want what we want—the less conflict there is.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Focusing on needs in conversation relies upon the very simple principle we’ve already seen: the more we understand one another, the easier it is to find solutions.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication